loud non-stopping brain

I have a brain that does NOT like to stop and let me sleep.

It thinks....way....too....much!

I sit here and analyze everything.  I have done this my entire life.  And now.....I have passed it on to my daughter.

I tell her I am sorry.  I am.

But, the brain does what it wants.  And it only gets quiet when it is done.

I am done many things in my life to quiet my brain.

I used to watch mind numbing TV to get bored...then fall asleep.

For the first time in my life....I had a doctor give me anti-anxiety medication to try.  And by golly!  I slept!

It has since stopped working.

Now I take Ambien.  And Soma.  And here I sit...awake!  Stoned.  But the brain is going a million miles an hour.

I need a quiet brain.

sad...the holidays are over

Today is the 26th and the family is now asking...when are we taking the tree down???

Wow, has this season gone by fast.  I am not so sure I am ready to say good bye to the tree or to the mood of the season.

So, a countdown to Christmas good bye.

1. I get my corner back in the living room
2. less to do now that wrapping andshopping are over
3. still have not heard enough Christmas music!
4. my butt needs less treats...really!
5. still doesn't feel like it has come.
6. I know I was here...just doesn't feel like it should be over yet.
7. a new year to start
8. hum....not so sure I am done with this year yet.
9. what am I missing about the holiday???
10. Why am I not ready to tell it good bye yet???
11. Now that I don't see my family....I don't have to hear again about the Christmas tree I stole when I was 18 and it was a VERY slim year in our house and as an adult.  I had to step up.
12. There was not one drunk person at any holiday event.  Maybe that's it???  Without my family....I don't have to deal with drunks and roving hands and stupid sexual remarks.
13. I didn't hear one time that I was fat...not one!
14. I didn't hear one negative thing about the crappy job I am doing raising my children.
15. I didn't hear that I don't deserve what I have.
16. And I didn't get presents that make no sense to me, hubby or my kids.

Now that I have looked at the the list.  I was missing the dysfunction of the holiday.

OK....it's the dysfunction I miss.

I guess I can pack up the tree until next year.

Christmas Eve....Eve

Christmas Eve...Eve has been a big day for Sophie since she learned about Santa.

And this year...she has passed on the tradition to her brother, Nash.

Tradition you say????

No, it's nothing in a big way.....just the very beginning of the "Santa Anticipation".

I love that I have instilled a love of Santa in my kids. 

I know there are people that would think this small....but, I love Santa.

I am not a religious person nor a fan of organized religion. 

But, I am a truly spiritual person.  I believe in Karma.  I believe in do unto others.  I believe in smiles.  I believe in helping those that need help and patting those on the back that only need that.  And many other things...

But the magic of Santa...is magical!

The magic of a twinkling eye.  A Ho Ho Ho.  Asking for something special and having it waiting for you under the tree on that special morning.  The mystery of flying reindeer and toy making elves.  And a fat man that can live on cookies & hot cocoa.

I love the magic of the season.  The extra kindnesses people show.  The trays of goodies.  And the wonderful music...well, except for that "Christmas Shoes" song. 

I love Christmas music!

I love putting up the Christmas tree.  And hanging the stockings.  Baking the treats and White Trash Toffee!  Selecting the wrapping paper & ribbon for the presents.

Choosing the picture that will go on my Christmas card of my kids.  And sending out the cards to family and friends.  And getting cards back from those I love and only hear from during the Holidays.

So, today is Christmas Eve....Eve.  My kids are very concerned that their behavior was good enough to get the gift of their dreams.  the anticipation is thick in the air and the talk is only of Santa Claus a'coming!

My daughter is thinking about what jammies to wear because she doesn't want to look bad in the morning photo.  And my son is so excited because this is the first year that he has really gotten the idea of Santa! 

So, tomorrow...Christmas Eve will be a difficult day to get thru.  It will be very long!  Children will be so excited that time will feel like it is standing still.  We will click on the computer often to check on Santa's progress around the word on NORAD...to make sure he is safe and traveling well.

I love the magic of Christmas!

holidays...they are here

I LOVE the holidays!  Christmas is my favorite holiday above them all.

I love the songs.  Buying presents.  Cooking & baking.  The feeling in the air.

But...about this time in the holiday......I think back to 16 years ago.  I don't want to....I try not to....but....this was a HUGE part of my life.  My first child, his birthday and his death day.

I was so very sick during this time.  I was trying everything that my doctor told me to do to feel better.  I was miserable.  The Doctor kept telling me I was fine but, I had never seen anyone as sick as I was being pregnant.

So....we all know the ending.  Dead baby.  Christmas Day!

I could call my doctor right now and only say dead baby, Christmas Day....and he would know immediately who I am.  He is still practicing in Santa Barbara @ Cottage Hospital. 

I spoke to him several times while I was pregnant with Nash.  He was reassuring that I would be fine.
I could not have had Sophie with him.  He promised me a live baby and he delivered  :)

I think about him whenever I think about my son, Nicholas.  Since my doctor was a coward and a quack...I was sent to Dr. Soffici to be told the terrible news.  I would give birth to a dead baby.

I think about what would have happened should I have had a good doctor and Nicholas being my son.  I would have a 16 year old...boy!  Scary! 

I would have had to raise him and Sophie alone since their father died when Sophie was six month old and Nicholas would have been about 2 1/2.

So, I try not to think of all that happened on Christmas Day and Christmas Eve.  I was in Cottage Hospital....I had been isolated from the other patients in the hospital...because my case was very scary to anyone giving birth.  I could have anything I wanted...just not a live baby.

I would say....labor wasn't too bad...I got good drugs.  But, there was nothing to prepare me for the BIRTH.  It was awful.  There is nothing like going thru all of the labor, the pushing, the breathing....and in the end....you get a baby that will not, can NOT move.  You get a baby that is quiet, still, but loved.

You have no idea what this feels like...until you have been there.  It is a sad that I never, ever want to feel again.  A lost I never want to know.

I miss his daily....but, really around Christmas.

There is something strange in missing an entire holiday.  The family went and had fun.  David and I stayed in the hospital...and wanted for Nicholas' birth.  I have said good bye....but, I am not done saying good bye.

So, now for the holidays....I try to make sure that everything is done before the month of December starts.  I never know if I am going to fall apart in a store because of a song or because there is a little boy named Nicholas.

But, It has tainted Christmas.  But....I pretend and get my spirit going for me.

Some years are easier than other.

best ice cream...yes, I am going there!

I am an ice cream junkie!

We...hubby and I....have a bowl of ice cream....every night.

We know we shouldn't.

But, we don't drink.

We don't party.

We don't smoke.

We like ice cream.

For me...ice cream, jammies and a glass of ice tea is one of the best things in the world!  Oh, and the kids in bed!

My favorite ice cream is....Chocolate Malted Crunch by Thrifty's.  And it's funny...Thrifty's doesn't even exist anymore...but their ice cream does.

For me....it's just a piece of Heaven...right here in Earth.