I see the elephant......

I recently started seeing a therapist again.

I have a big past to deal with and currently I am getting triggers from the past about things happening daily.

Simple things like my son being very cling-y and the same age when I was very cling-y with my Mom.  My daughter being the same age I was when I was being molested.  Seeing my daughter...and seeing myself at her age and realizing that I was not this horrible person I thought I was.

The mind is an amazing thing.  It only gives you what you are capable of dealing with.  And if you can't deal with it....it can shield you from it...really.

I am not here to bad mouth my Mom.  I love my Mom.  I loved my family.  I love them all today.  I just don't have a relationship with them.  They have all done what they need to do for themselves.  And I did what I need to do for myself and my children, husband and his family.

Cutting off your family is so very hard.  I don't recommend it unless it is absolutely necessary.

Mine was.

So, I have voices from my past that still speak to me.  My therapist calls that voice my Critic.  Last week she gave me homework.  To show what my critic looks and feels like.

my Critic says -

• I never wanted a girl
• Are you stupid?  You used white onions
• You have a black heart
• You like to control everything
• You're here to be a maid and a babysitter
• How can you be so mean & heartless?
• You are a controlling bitch
• You only think about yourself
• I had you for your Granny.  I had Ricky for his Dad.  Ryan was for me.
• You always have to have everything your way.
• You decide - no presents, no tree, no food
• No, it didn't happen like that
• stupid
• fat
• I don't like you
• ugly

I also added other things as images

• eyes that were always looking but never saw
• arrows of guilt (I have tons of guilt for nothing I did but because she never felt any guilt)
• knives
• pills for dieting
• an x-ray hand...because I could never really see what was going on
• shattered glass....she loved the sound of shattering glass
• Wham!
• Crash!
• Snap!
• Crash!
• Boom!
• And a target at my heart.

Therapy is hard.

I hate having to examine why I am the way I am.  I hate the dreams, the nightmares, the disconnection to my own body heart & soul.

I learned a lot about myself last time I went into therapy.

I came out stronger.

I came out without a family.

I came out with the ability to see the elephant in the room and have the words to say...I SEE THE ELEPHANT!

And I had to strength to say...I will not say I don't see it.

I SEE THE FUCKING ELEPHANT!

And by seeing the elephant and acknowledging that it exists.....I can't pretend that everything is OK.

It has never been OK.  I am not saying that the way they live is OK or the way they see things is not OK.

I can't pretend anymore that it WAS ok.

You must cherish your children.  Never tell your child they are stupid, that you don't like them.  Never tell your child that you did not want them.  Never throw things at your child!  Never, ever tell them that they are nothing more than a maid and babysitter for you!

I am today who I am because of what and where I came.  I am so very proud of who I am.  I would love to wish that the past never happened but then...who would I be? 

I would never, ever do to my children what was done to me.

Shame on you.  I pity you....persons of my past.  I know you still believe that the elephant is not there in the room with you.  I know it can't be there because then to see the elephant...you would have to see everything else.

I see the elephant.

I have explained the elephant to my children and make sure they know what an elephant is...and to never pretend it doesn't exit.

I SEE THE FUCKING ELEPHANT!  

AND I WILL NEVER PRETEND IT IS NOT THERE!