another ride on the crazy train

Today was going to be a good day...I got to sleep in...on a Saturday.

But, as much as I tried...there was a lot of emotion...step-family stuff.  So, decided to be better than the yuck and move on.  I invited my Hubby out to a late lunch and a movie.  Our typical date night (afternoon).  Went to our favorite restaurant and saw the movie...Hope Springs.  It was great!

Then came home to kids.

I hate when a simple incident becomes a flashback to my childhood.  And when its my childhood...it's rarely a happy moment.

When I was getting Nash ready for bed he tattled on his sister.  So typical.  And since Sophie has been doing some really stupid things lately.....I am guessing it because of hormones and brain sludge from Summer.....so, I asked her about what Nash had said.

I could tell...she was not telling me the truth.  And it was NOT a big deal but....I was raised with lies and have raised my children with truth.  So, I asked her again and asked Nash again.  Really???  Now, I am getting crazed because what had be accused was stupid and didn't really matter but, don't lie!

And before I knew it...the past was staring me in the face!  I had to stand my children side by side and ask them to tell me the truth.

As a child, I had 2 brothers...1 Rick was 1 year younger and the other, Ryan, was 6 years younger.  Mom was never home and if anything ever happened, she handed the punishment over to our step-Dad, Marv.

He would line us up and ask us a question.  Rick...always lied!  We could never tell on someone else, they had to confess.  And if he went thru the line up and no one confessed.....the beatings commenced.  We were told to go to our rooms and think about what we are doing to him, to Mom and to ourselves.  I always got beat first because I was the oldest and should have known better.

This is what Sammy looked like.

He would come into my room.  He would be dragging a leather belt.  He would look at me and ask the question....and if I did NOT confess...he would take his belt and double it and hold it in his right hand.  He would hold out his left hand and I would have to place my right hand in his left hand.  And he would start beating.  By holding my right hand and beating me with his right...it caused me to run....away.  He loved that.  Because then our family dog, Sammy, that only loved him.....would be able to chase our feet and bite our toes...while we ran in circles!

As soon as the begging started to get really good and we were falling...he would stop and go to the next person.  Rick, no matter how guilty he was...he never confessed!  So, the beating would happen to him.....and then Ryan.  Ryan would always tell on Rick...which made Marv madder.  And then he would come back to me.  This would go on until someone confessed on their own or Marv got tired.

One time, it kept going on and on over the opening of a Pepsi bottle.  I know...sounds stupid but someone popped the top on a 2 quart bottle of Pepsi and no one confessed!  No one!  So, when he got tired of betting us...he grounded us.  We were grounded for over 3 months.  We could only go out of our rooms for school and meals.  At least my brothers had company since they shared a room.

I finally made it stop when I ran away.

Marv would line us up on occasion, ask us who did it?  And beat us.  Then back to our rooms.  While I was confined to my room...I was also getting molested on a more frequent basis because now...I was really isolated.  So, I had had it.  I was 13 years old and was done!  I ran out the front door...slamming it so hard because I really didn't know where to go.  I just wanted it to stop.  No one came out.  No one heard...except my brothers....and they couldn't tell because....well....they couldn't.

I went to my friend, Joann's house.  Her Mom was an alcoholic cocktail waitress that worked graveyard shift at one of the casinos.  So she was either always drunk, passed out or.....working.  So, I hung out there for several hours.  And then Marv showed up with my Mom...who always claimed she knew nothing!  Demanding that I come home because I am breaking rank and his rules.

And since Joann lived in an apartment, and Marv was loud and Mom was screaming that I had to come home....Joann's Mom woke up and threatened to call the police.  So, I didn't want to get Joann in trouble.  I got in the car with Mom and went back to my prison.  When we got home...I told Mom about the molestations, about that I was going to tell the world what was going on.  She promised it would stop.

You know it did not stop.

It was never spoken about again.  We did get off grounding.  But there still were beating just like before.  And the molesting...now more underground but it really didn't need to be because Mom was never home.  She was out sleeping around with everyone else BUT Marv.  Nope...she gave him me.

Tonight, during the inquisition.  I was a mess.  As soon as Sophie figured out I was boarding the crazy train...she revealed what happened.  I did everything I could to maintain a normal stance...but I crumbled very fast.  I apologized, grabbed some anxiety pills and went to the porch to have a panic attack.  I hate those things!

I hate my children having to see their Mother buy the ticket on the crazy train.  I am used to Sophie knowing.  But, now Nash knows.  It's shameful, it's humiliating, it's humbling, it's my reality.

My chest still hurts, my head hurts from the pounding headache.  I wish that I had never been born.  I wish that my Mom never had us kids.  She was unfit.  And yet here I am...dragging my precious children onto the crazy train with me.  I am so, so sorry to my kids.

The crazy train sucks!  I wish the crazy train did not know where my stop is.

The past, bleeds into the present....and as much as you don't want to hurt your children...you do, because you have that ticket...the ticket no one wants...to the crazy train!