Christmas, 2012

As much as I try to prepare myself for Christmas...sometimes it just gets here and I am not ready for it.  That was this year.

With all that is going on with family and our life.....when the hives hit yesterday I was really unaware why?  Lance's son and daughter-in-law came over with the grandkids for Christmas Eve lunch...it was nice but I was in tears before they showed up.  I tried to assess why...but couldn't.  Then the hives broke out...and I still wasn't hitting the nail on the head.  I took some allergy medicine that helped with the itchiness but it just made me tired and wanting to go to bed.

Then  last night I was overwhelmed with my lack of preparedness for Santa...a huge unbuilt present that threw me for a loop and a hubby getting his ass chewed out about it.  And since he really isn't a fan of the Santa part of Christmas...I am!  So, it didn't both him...and it did me!  Can you tell that Nash's idiosyncrasies don't fall far from the Momma tree  :)  I was a mess last night....and since Christmas is so hard on me....I am overly prepared so when something like this happens...Lord, help us all!

This morning once again I was covered in hives and did NOT want to get out of bed!  But, I had no choice!  I did what I was supposed to do but, my heart was not in it.  We opened presents and everyone got what they wanted.  Afterwards I sat on the floor and put together 2 racetracks, a foos ball table, and air hockey table and was devastated that I was out of batteries!  This is SO NOT LIKE ME!  So, I took a shower and decided to head out to Safeway and get the batteries. 

While out...I passed by Jack in the Box.  The tears flooded.  I looked at the clock...it was the time.  Then I knew...I was NOT prepared for today.  Today was Nicholas' birthday...the moment he came into the world.  He would have been 15 today.  I remember that horrible day.  All of the memories came flooding back.....baby, death, Santa, white rose, horrible sadness, devastation, horror and blame from family that I lost my son.  So much is a blur of pain, utter sadness, letting so many people down and ruining Christmas for everyone.  In the end...being released from the hospital because there was nothing they could do for me....and having Christmas dinner at Jack in the Box.

I didn't want a funeral...I just wanted it to disappear.  I immediately donated his body to science so that his death could help someone else NOT suffer.

You can never get past the death of a child.  I was told may times afterwards that it must have been meant to be.  Having a dead child on Christmas should never have been meant to be...ever.  I have moved on but I am not past it.  I never will be.  There will always be a hole in my heart.  And now....I am the only one left that was there...that remembers how horrible that day was.

I was a mess for the rest of the day.  Overdrugged so that I could STOP itching and drugged in other ways so that I could not feel.  I sat in my jammies and numbed out to a book...and hid in the story.  Everyone knows why...but no one talks.  What can they say?  They don't know.

Christmas is my favorite holiday....but it is also the worst day of my life.  I hope one day, I can look at this day with fondness and not pain.  I try so hard every year to make it great!  To make it NOT a day of sadness.  Sometimes I can forget and enjoy the day but then I feel guilty afterwards but not as bad as like today...where I am just SAD and miserable.

I finally pulled Lance aside and said...today is my son's birthday.  Nicholas would have been 15.  I miss him.  I miss David.  I miss Ginny.  I want Sophie's nose to go back to the nondescript nose she was born with and not this Italian nose that makes me think about her daddy and Ginny....and Nicholas.  I don't like today.  I am sad!   I want this day to stop.  Make it stop!!!!!!!

Today was not Christmas for me.  Today was the day that I missed Christmas 15 years ago and got nothing but grief and sadness.  Today I embarrassed my family and ruined their Christmas.  And the only one that remembers it is me.

This was a shitty Christmas.