the joy of depression...NOT!

So, I am a sufferer of clinical/major & chronic depression.  From what I have been told...I have had it my whole life.  But, I was very, VERY good at denial and dancing as fast as I could from it.

But...eventually...it comes to a head.  Or at least that's what I am told.  Two years ago it all came crashing down.  No more dancing, no more denial.  REALITY!

So now...I take anti-depressants & anti-anxiety medications.  They WORK!

I do really good most of the time.  I will have moments or a day of the cloud hanging over my head. 

But, this week...it was more than that.  It was overwhelming.  It was exhausting.  It hurts...really.  The body aches are awful!  It's a sadness that envelopes you.  It feels like it will never end...even tho you know it will.  You want to end.

I have come close to ending my life...many times.  And really more than I am willing to admit. 

When I was a kid I thought about it a lot but was afraid of who would take care of my brothers & mother if I left.  So, I stayed.

When I was a young adult....some of the walls that I had built to keep me from knowing what I had endured as a child opened and I saw what I had gone thru...but, only a sliver of the horrors.  So, I drugged up and learned to pretend it DIDN'T happen.

But, I finally got to a place where I had to face it to protect my own children.  It all came out and I HAD to see it, touch it, FEEL it.  This is why I don't have a relationship with my family anymore.  I could no longer deny my past or pretend that it was ok.


I cracked open....or just cracked!

But, I saw it all with the eyes of an adult and felt it with the heart of my inner child.....and said NO MORE with the clarity of a survivor.

I hope...and pray that I never end my life.  I DON'T plan on ever wanting to.  I have a great life, a fabulous husband, wonderful children, step-children, and grandchildren.  I have great & amazing friends....and with all of them...I have people that really love me.  They want the best for me.

Sometimes.....I feel like the girl on the swing.  I do hate to remember but, if I forget about it....it could happen again.  To someone I love more than I love myself.

Yes world....depression is NOT fun!  But, it can be lived with.

I live with it and will continue to LIVE with it.

If you ever get depressed or just have a slope for a couple of days...this is a great book!













Today, I will have bumps in my road and trips & falls.  I will never NOT have depression.

Thanks for reading  :)

The fight goes on......................

who...tell me who...I am a work in progress

Today....was a day of many things.

• we were supposed to get the storm of the century
• we didn't
• I planned for it tho...and so did our entire town
• woke up hoping for snow...and really yucky weather
• eh...wasn't much to talk about
• but, the kids didn't have school
• because the ENTIRE town thought we should be safe.
• I am all about safe...really.
• But....kids home from school...when they should BE AT SCHOOL!
• I had to go to work in the mess...driving & listening to Toy Story playing in the back seat.
• lots of time to think.
• when I was a child...I never thought about the future...I just survived
• I have kind of always fell into things
• it took me years to really become....me
• I was someone.....wow, that was scary....'cuz, I don't think I was someone
• I was a pleaser, a wanting to matter so I will do anything you ask of me if you would just see me
• OK..if you have read anything I have written in the past years...you know where I have been.   

So, last year......I decided to be the best someone I could be.

My New Year's Resolution was to take better care of how I look.  If you know me...I am overweight.  Dieting just isn't working...it's producing the opposite effect, because.....sadly, food is my first love.

But, no matter a person's size...if they look good, they feel good, they feel better about themselves, they project better....and on and on.

just home from surgery, wearing the nose bra...lovely

3 days after surgery, after they ripped some of the stabilizers out of my sinus's

a month after surgery, after all if removed from my face

The last 2 years...I was dealing with and recovering from sinus surgery...yep, the entire sinus area was rotor rooter-ed and a deviated septum repair.  Today...I almost can say I am better.  I still have winter allergies...and my sinus's are delicate....but they are also like the Grand Canyon!

OK....so, for a long time....I didn't wear make up.  Wore comfy clothes and could care less what I really looked like.  And it showed.

I also was diagnosed with Major Depression during the same time.  Oh ya...I was a mess!

So, now...I work at looking better...and I feel better.  So much so that I want better!

I have a business...Errand Girl.  I started it more than 4 years ago.  I love the potential of this business.  When I started it I wanted something to do...Nash was a baby and I needed to get out of the house.  But, not too much!  Just enough.  I said I didn't want it to be much of anything until Nash was in kindergarten.

Well.....now he is  :)

Errand Girl is growing little by little....but, not where I want it to grow.

I took a look at it.

• What do I like about it?

Freedom to be very involved with my kids, their school and my community.
I can make it anything I want and pretty much work around what I want to do.

• What do I love to do?

I am creative, organized, artistic, kind of a control freak, good listener, willing to help and give of myself, and can whip it all together!

So, I looked at what my options were.  What I had to work with.  Where I wanted to go.  And what I wanted to get out of it..

So, Errand Girl is changing.  It has to...I am changing.

And if you know me....I don't do change well.  LOL  Boy....I REALLY, REALLY DON'T.

So, I am taking 2 steps forward...sometimes one back.

But,...slowly...I am figuring it out...and coming to an end point soon.

To date....

• Owner of Errand Girl
• It's a Wrap by EG....to explore my creative & artistic side
• Scrapbooking by EG....'cuz, I am a junkie!  I need my stuff and I need to be able to write it off and teach others how awesome it is!
• Wedding Officiant....because....how cool to be there...to be the one to start the lives of 2 people who love each other.  
• Sonora Wedding Planner...yep...I really am that good!

I created a new logo....for the wedding planning.

OK....now that I really look at the logo....maybe it's not the one.....but, it's close.

Just like me.....I am not perfect...and won't be.....but, I am always close  :)