It's a real Spring...finally!

Last week we had horrible heat and a while before that it was snowing.

But this weekend....it was Spring!

reusing forgotten planting boxes

the new place for entertaining...now to get it paved!

and moved the trampoline!

moved the garden boxes

Nash loves the garden!

Soon....where the pool will be!

Made me feel like getting the yard ready for lots of warm weather fun!

I see the elephant......

I recently started seeing a therapist again.

I have a big past to deal with and currently I am getting triggers from the past about things happening daily.

Simple things like my son being very cling-y and the same age when I was very cling-y with my Mom.  My daughter being the same age I was when I was being molested.  Seeing my daughter...and seeing myself at her age and realizing that I was not this horrible person I thought I was.

The mind is an amazing thing.  It only gives you what you are capable of dealing with.  And if you can't deal with it....it can shield you from it...really.

I am not here to bad mouth my Mom.  I love my Mom.  I loved my family.  I love them all today.  I just don't have a relationship with them.  They have all done what they need to do for themselves.  And I did what I need to do for myself and my children, husband and his family.

Cutting off your family is so very hard.  I don't recommend it unless it is absolutely necessary.

Mine was.

So, I have voices from my past that still speak to me.  My therapist calls that voice my Critic.  Last week she gave me homework.  To show what my critic looks and feels like.

my Critic says -

• I never wanted a girl
• Are you stupid?  You used white onions
• You have a black heart
• You like to control everything
• You're here to be a maid and a babysitter
• How can you be so mean & heartless?
• You are a controlling bitch
• You only think about yourself
• I had you for your Granny.  I had Ricky for his Dad.  Ryan was for me.
• You always have to have everything your way.
• You decide - no presents, no tree, no food
• No, it didn't happen like that
• stupid
• fat
• I don't like you
• ugly

I also added other things as images

• eyes that were always looking but never saw
• arrows of guilt (I have tons of guilt for nothing I did but because she never felt any guilt)
• knives
• pills for dieting
• an x-ray hand...because I could never really see what was going on
• shattered glass....she loved the sound of shattering glass
• Wham!
• Crash!
• Snap!
• Crash!
• Boom!
• And a target at my heart.

Therapy is hard.

I hate having to examine why I am the way I am.  I hate the dreams, the nightmares, the disconnection to my own body heart & soul.

I learned a lot about myself last time I went into therapy.

I came out stronger.

I came out without a family.

I came out with the ability to see the elephant in the room and have the words to say...I SEE THE ELEPHANT!

And I had to strength to say...I will not say I don't see it.

I SEE THE FUCKING ELEPHANT!

And by seeing the elephant and acknowledging that it exists.....I can't pretend that everything is OK.

It has never been OK.  I am not saying that the way they live is OK or the way they see things is not OK.

I can't pretend anymore that it WAS ok.

You must cherish your children.  Never tell your child they are stupid, that you don't like them.  Never tell your child that you did not want them.  Never throw things at your child!  Never, ever tell them that they are nothing more than a maid and babysitter for you!

I am today who I am because of what and where I came.  I am so very proud of who I am.  I would love to wish that the past never happened but then...who would I be? 

I would never, ever do to my children what was done to me.

Shame on you.  I pity you....persons of my past.  I know you still believe that the elephant is not there in the room with you.  I know it can't be there because then to see the elephant...you would have to see everything else.

I see the elephant.

I have explained the elephant to my children and make sure they know what an elephant is...and to never pretend it doesn't exit.

I SEE THE FUCKING ELEPHANT!  

AND I WILL NEVER PRETEND IT IS NOT THERE!

ok...not a helicopter Mom...but, I can spin cotton candy!

oh...and another thing I am working very hard on! 

So here are 4 ways to avoid becoming a helicopter parent:

    Teach your kids how to take personal responsibility for their choices.
    Let them experience the consequences of their choices.
    Help them understand that failure can be one of their greatest teachers.
    Let them know that they have what it takes to make their own decisions.

I would say I am about 45% a helicopter Mom.....but, I am changing!  Sophie and I have talked about it...and I am more of a cotton candy spinning Mom.  I make the world soft and sweet and magical...no harm happens in my world and if it does....I can spin it into something else.

I am a work in progress  :)

what happened to Spring?

I love Spring...it's my favorite season!

I really feel that it is God telling me that you can be reborn...again.  It's life's little do over.

But, once again....I am getting cheated out of Spring!

I live in California.  We have been having the weirdest weather for a couple of years now.  But....today is April 22 and it was 92 degrees!  I had to turn on the air conditioning!  But, what is even weirder...just days ago...it was snowing!

I want my seasons!  Or really....2 seasons.  Winter and Spring  :)

Come on Mother Earth....get with the program.

I want some Spring!

It's here! The Ultimate Blog Party!

OK...so you ask.  What is a blog party??? 

Honestly...I am very excited to find out!

I have never been a part of one but have heard about them and know that it is a way to get your blog out there and for people to see it.

So, I am very excited to show off my blog.  I am very proud of the personal content about family, children and how hectic it can all get.  But, also I want to share that I am a survivor of a lot.....and want you to know that you are not alone.

I am very random....from Mommy stuff to family stuff....crafty stuff to OMG...I gotta get outta here stuff!

Hang out...put your feet up and read.

Life is good in the "very BUSY mom" world!

Tammy

OH, btw....I listed prizes in the Ultimate Party...maybe you are interested.

Here they are!  A set of Onesie Cupcakes & Sushi Socks!  One for a boy and one for a girl!

the ranting of ....grrr....intestinal flu!

My lovely son...over the Easter weekend.....somehow caught the intestinal flu.  And because he loves him Mommy so...shared it with me.

I am on day 3 of the lovely thing.

I have gotten sleep, I am friends with my bathroom reading material.....and Charmin!

I am NOT friends with anything in my kitchen except iced tea.

In a dead sleep...I can run like nobodies business!

Sadly....there are downfalls to this.

My son accepts no responsibility for giving me this horrible thing!  Granted he is only 6...but damnit!  This is all him!

Yep...I love Nash...but look at him.  He has the face of death!

a new reality

I have written on here a few...ok...maybe many times that I do NOT have a relationship with my Mom.  I always thought it was me.

My whole life I thought I was a bad person.  I really thought it was me.  I did something to piss her off.  I did something that made her do what she did.  And I never knew what it was.

I have said over and over again that she was a crazy bitch.  And I love her.  She is my Mom.  Mom's should be loved...because they love us.  Altho...I was not loved and it must be my fault.

I never knew anything else.

I was raised in chaos.

My Mom was married 4 times.  Once to my natural father who wanted nothing to do with me.  Twice to the same man, a man who did terrible things to me.  And finally to a man who was pretty pathetic.  I thought finally...she met a man who was nice.  I didn't have to live with him as I was an adult but she was happy.  So, good.

But, he was weird.  I wanted to love him...because who doesn't want to be loved???  I needed to be loved!  I had never had a real relationship with a father-type of guy so....this is what they do.  I never called him Dad....because I had a Dad.  And I didn't think that was a good word or title because to me that was a person that just walked away.  So, I called him Pops.

He was inappropriate....a lot of the time.  But, what did I know???  He was overly touchy...some people are.  He was a lot of things.  I am not here to bad mouth him or my Mom.  But, I got to the point when I finally saw him for who he was and her for who she was.  I really had no words for what they were...just that I could not be around THEM anymore.

And neither could my children.

It was long...and ugly.  And in the end...I lost everyone that knew me.

It was not OK...just the way it was.

I went thru therapy.  It helped a lot.  I got strong.  I was OK with my decisions.

But, in the past couple of months...I saw that I needed more.  So, I looked for a new therapist so that I could get a new perspective, a new angle.....a fresh set of eyes.

After telling my story, and hearing the aftermath from others point of view....I was told what I was raised with.

More than likely....my Mom has Borderline Personality Disorder.  And looking back and listening to the stories I have heard from her about her Mom, her grandmother and so on...wow....this is crazy!  It's a genetic or at least a learned behavior

It's not me!  I am so very sad that it's her....I love my Mom.  But, reading the profiles of a borderline personality....hello!  Yep!  This is what I was raised with.

So, this is what I found.

The Hysterical Mother: When Borderline Personality Disorder Hits Close to Home

Liz McD, Yahoo! Contributor Network

• More:
• Personality Disorders

Personality disorders are a small, troubling subset of mental illness. While some disorders affect only one or two aspects of a person's thinking, a personality disorder is what it sounds like - it infects every part of your personality, affecting your relationships with other people and even how you view yourself. The most common personality disorder is Borderline Personality Disorder, or BPD. Some Borderlines are called narcissists. Some are called addicts. Most are called "that crazy bitch." All of them may be true at times, but mostly, Borderlines are just lonely, detached, hurt, and confused. BPD originally got its name from its wide range of symptoms - it seemed to border on many different illnesses. Sometimes a Borderline will act like she has multiple personalities. He will be warm and loving one minute, then hateful and cold the next. She will have episodes where she appears to feel no emotion at all, like a psychopath, and may engage in self-destructive behaviors to try and bring herself back to reality, like a depressive. Also like a depressive, he might threaten or attempt suicide more than once. Like a schizophrenic, she may become paranoid. Like a narcissist, he seems to focus on his own feelings at the exclusion of everyone else's.
All of this stems from a common source: an unstable image of self and others. Real connections are difficult or impossible to make. Peoples' emotions, especially their own, are a mystery to Borderlines.
It's bad enough to suffer from these symptoms alone. How could a Borderline woman raise a child?
Unfortunately, they often do. Lacking the important connection they should have made to their mothers when they were infants, they seek to repair that connection somehow by having children of their own. But they never learned how to make that connection. Somehow, whether physically or emotionally, they will make themselves unavailable to their children. Thus, the cycle continues.
As a child, it's frightening to be raised by a depressed mother. It's doubly frightening to be raised by a detached mother. But even worse is when your mother changes from day to day, or minute to minute - you can never be sure how she will react. You learn to keep secrets from her. This angers her, because she can sense she does not have your trust; Borderlines tend to have an uncanny way of reading people, though they often cannot interpret what they are reading correctly. If something you do interferes with her plan for the day, she will lash out in furious anger. Sometimes you don't have to do anything at all to incur her wrath. She'll punish you for something, then, hours later, express disbelief that she would do such a thing. She remembers it, of course, but it's a distant memory. As if it were a dream. For her, it almost is.
You're a child and you don't understand all this yet. All you know is that sometimes she seems to hate you. Sometimes she says horrible, cruel things. Sometimes she calls you useless and lazy and tells you that you are going to Hell. Sometimes she even hits you. She will never say "I'm sorry." Afterwards, she doesn't even seem to remember it.
As you grow up, you will begin to understand her flaws. Though this doesn't take away the pain or make her easier to live with, it gives you to freedom to stop being afraid. Whether you are a teenager or an adult coping with a Borderline mother, there are ways to make life easier.
1. Remember that she is not responsible for her disorder, but she is responsible for her actions.
Self-control is very hard for Borderlines, who have somewhat of a fractured personality. But, like all of us, they make choices about how to behave. They may be in the grip of depression, an addiction, or a dissociative episode, but there are moments of clarity in which they can choose to get help. Recognize that she is not willfully hurting you, but do not absolve her from all blame. She owes you many apologies, and you should not feel guilty for being angry and hurt because of her behavior.
2. Remember that this is not your fault.
She was this way long before you were born. Though she probably blames you for many of her problems, this is simply not true.
3. Remember that you do not want to be like her.
Chances are, she deprived you of the same connection that she didn't have, so keep an eye on your own behavior. If you find yourself mimicking her when you interact with other people, get help right away. See a psychologist who specializes in BPD. Even if you don't act that way, her disorder left some imprint on you. Engage in professional talk therapy with someone you can trust.
4. Don't be afraid to treat her in a way appropriate to how she is acting.
If she's throwing a temper tantrum, tell her firmly to stop and just walk away, leaving her to stew - as you would with a small child. It's not fair that you have to parent your own mother, and it won't solve any long-term problems, but it will make things easier to deal with in the moment. She will probably calm down once she realizes that you're not going to engage in the drama.
5. Remember that it's not your job to fix her.
No matter how healthy you become, you cannot cure someone else. She will probably always see you as "the child." It's typical for her to react to advice with suspicion and anger, but she'll take particular offense to advice from you. If your relationship becomes too poisonous to bear, treat her like an addict: tell her you are cutting off the relationship until she commits herself to psychological health. Don't feel guilty about this; you are helping her get well.

So, today....I feel better.  It was NOT her fault.  It was NOT my fault.  She has a problem.

Can you even imagine the load this took off my shoulders???

So, Mom I know we can not have a relationship but know that I love you.