random things that pop in my head

• 5 days until scrapbook retreat
• the back of my tongue has hurt for 2 days....and I feel like crap
• started packing for retreat today
• had to go to WalMart to buy a new tote/bin for packing in
• during the summer it got used as a small pool
• I can see my desk....the actual wood looking part!
• it's been months since I have seen it
• I got 2 new pair of glasses this past week
• 1 for seeing
• 1 for reading
• bifocals suck when you read & do the computer all the time
• I am so ready for Summer to end...I hate the heat
• since I don't feel good I put on my ugly flannels night gown
• now I am hot!
• and not in a good way!
• got Sophie's STAR test in the mail today
• super advanced in English
• Geometry....think she missed a key lesson...just basic
• I was lucky to pass Geometry with a D+
• looking for a tutor to help her figure out what key lesson she missed
• she is stressing about it
• I wish she was not a perfectionist like me
• if she didn't want to go into medicine...I would say screw it
• I so wish she was not an overacheiver!
• she is WAY too much like me!
• makes me miss David
• he would have been such a good influence on her
• 14 1/2 years he has been gone
• how can you miss someone so long that you have missed longer than you have known them
• same can be said about Ginny
• I hope they are watching over us
• I made a promise to myself and my therapist
• October is dealing with shit month!

Challenge Day

So, this past 2 weeks have been extremely busy!  

1. Getting kids back to school and on a school schedule.
2. Getting our PTO ready for the year, as President...this is a very big job!
3. Giving 2 Back to School speeches to parents of our school...getting them excited to participate.
4. Compiling our list of school volunteers...and doing it backwards so it made the job harder.
5. Making sure all board members know their jobs and are comfortable in their job.
6. Greeting new parents and old parents making sure they know I am approachable and want their help.
7. Starting up 2 new direct sale companies...hoping to make some money.
8. Dealing with school pictures, school yearbook ordering while it is cheaper...and scheduling to work one of them for the elementary school and getting to work with a cool parent!
9. Helping a new principal to get settled into our school.  He is awesome!
10. and I know there is more....but today....I am going to talk about our school's Challenge Day!

Do you know about Challenge Day?  Our school has participated in Challenge Day for the past several years.  I have wanted to participate in it but never was able to.  Either because my son was too younger and it was too long for him to be at a babysitters.  Or my daughter was doing the program and I was not a good person to be there with her.  So, this year...it all worked so I could go and volunteer!

Challenge Day says this on their website -

our vision

Our vision is that every child lives in a world where they feel safe, loved and celebrated.

our mission

The Challenge Day mission is to provide youth and their communities with experiential programs that demonstrate the possibility of love and connection through the celebration of diversity, truth, and full expression.

Being involved with Challenge Day was amazing!  We had 100 students at our school...8th graders and some 7th graders and 26 adult volunteers go thru this program.

If you ever get an opportunity to participate...please do. 

It makes you not feel so alone.  You see that others are going thru their own troubles...just like you.  It makes you think about what is important and what is NOT.  If you have made some positive changes in your life...it validates them.

In one day...less than 6 hours...I danced, cheered, screamed, laughed, cried, shouted, gave love, gave a million hugs, held people, connected with other adults and children, became a better person.

At the end of the session..we were asked to write a letter to someone that we wanted to talk to.  I wrote a letter to my Mom.  My Mom is not dead.  My Mom lives about 1 mile from me...really!  But, I have not spoken to her in 3 years because she choose to believe her husband over me.  I chose my children's safety over her.  We don't speak.

But, I miss my Mom.  She was not a good Mom.  She was not the worst Mom either.  She was just a Mom that made choices that were not good for me and my life and my children's lives.  She did not have a good childhood either and did the best she could....she told me that my whole life!  But, even as an adult...she still chose to make choices that were dangerous to my soul and to deny things that were obvious and pretend that I was crazy.

I wrote this letter to her during Challenge Day.

I will forever be changed by Challenge Day!

back to school....thank you JESUS!

Today was back to school for both of my kids.

Sophie is now a Sophomore and Nash is a 1st grader!

This has been a VERY long summer!  I was more than ready to get them out the door and off to school.

Both were very nervous about the 1st day.  Sophie was afraid she would not have any friends and Nash just didn't want to deal with people.

Sophie started the day badly because she almost missed her bus because she wasn't paying attention to the time...and the bus passed our house.  She went running down the street with binders, purse and in heels.  She is not a graceful child so...I was VERY concerned.  I grabbed my keys, Nash and I hoped in the car....got HER in the van and speed to the bus stop...in time!

Nash was different.  We had to leave an hour before school started just to get a parking spot in the parking lot!  I have been at this school for 10 years....I know how it works  :)  We go to Starbucks, grab a coffee and a snack and wait in the parking lot.  Nash did NOT want to leave the car and just wanted to go home.  So, I set a timer...because they always work.

We walked to his class and said hi to Ms Kitchen and checked out his new desk.  I filled out paperwork and he proceeded to get MORE nervous.  We went to the playground but they sent us back to class...so, that was it.  He colored and told me many times how much he loved his desk!

And...as you know....kids don't get homework on the 1st day....Moms do!  I spent 1 1/2 hours going thru papers, writing checks, plugging in dates on my calendar and signing my life away....to 2 schools!

But...I am glad school is back in session!  May it last forever!

another ride on the crazy train

Today was going to be a good day...I got to sleep in...on a Saturday.

But, as much as I tried...there was a lot of emotion...step-family stuff.  So, decided to be better than the yuck and move on.  I invited my Hubby out to a late lunch and a movie.  Our typical date night (afternoon).  Went to our favorite restaurant and saw the movie...Hope Springs.  It was great!

Then came home to kids.

I hate when a simple incident becomes a flashback to my childhood.  And when its my childhood...it's rarely a happy moment.

When I was getting Nash ready for bed he tattled on his sister.  So typical.  And since Sophie has been doing some really stupid things lately.....I am guessing it because of hormones and brain sludge from Summer.....so, I asked her about what Nash had said.

I could tell...she was not telling me the truth.  And it was NOT a big deal but....I was raised with lies and have raised my children with truth.  So, I asked her again and asked Nash again.  Really???  Now, I am getting crazed because what had be accused was stupid and didn't really matter but, don't lie!

And before I knew it...the past was staring me in the face!  I had to stand my children side by side and ask them to tell me the truth.

As a child, I had 2 brothers...1 Rick was 1 year younger and the other, Ryan, was 6 years younger.  Mom was never home and if anything ever happened, she handed the punishment over to our step-Dad, Marv.

He would line us up and ask us a question.  Rick...always lied!  We could never tell on someone else, they had to confess.  And if he went thru the line up and no one confessed.....the beatings commenced.  We were told to go to our rooms and think about what we are doing to him, to Mom and to ourselves.  I always got beat first because I was the oldest and should have known better.

This is what Sammy looked like.

He would come into my room.  He would be dragging a leather belt.  He would look at me and ask the question....and if I did NOT confess...he would take his belt and double it and hold it in his right hand.  He would hold out his left hand and I would have to place my right hand in his left hand.  And he would start beating.  By holding my right hand and beating me with his right...it caused me to run....away.  He loved that.  Because then our family dog, Sammy, that only loved him.....would be able to chase our feet and bite our toes...while we ran in circles!

As soon as the begging started to get really good and we were falling...he would stop and go to the next person.  Rick, no matter how guilty he was...he never confessed!  So, the beating would happen to him.....and then Ryan.  Ryan would always tell on Rick...which made Marv madder.  And then he would come back to me.  This would go on until someone confessed on their own or Marv got tired.

One time, it kept going on and on over the opening of a Pepsi bottle.  I know...sounds stupid but someone popped the top on a 2 quart bottle of Pepsi and no one confessed!  No one!  So, when he got tired of betting us...he grounded us.  We were grounded for over 3 months.  We could only go out of our rooms for school and meals.  At least my brothers had company since they shared a room.

I finally made it stop when I ran away.

Marv would line us up on occasion, ask us who did it?  And beat us.  Then back to our rooms.  While I was confined to my room...I was also getting molested on a more frequent basis because now...I was really isolated.  So, I had had it.  I was 13 years old and was done!  I ran out the front door...slamming it so hard because I really didn't know where to go.  I just wanted it to stop.  No one came out.  No one heard...except my brothers....and they couldn't tell because....well....they couldn't.

I went to my friend, Joann's house.  Her Mom was an alcoholic cocktail waitress that worked graveyard shift at one of the casinos.  So she was either always drunk, passed out or.....working.  So, I hung out there for several hours.  And then Marv showed up with my Mom...who always claimed she knew nothing!  Demanding that I come home because I am breaking rank and his rules.

And since Joann lived in an apartment, and Marv was loud and Mom was screaming that I had to come home....Joann's Mom woke up and threatened to call the police.  So, I didn't want to get Joann in trouble.  I got in the car with Mom and went back to my prison.  When we got home...I told Mom about the molestations, about that I was going to tell the world what was going on.  She promised it would stop.

You know it did not stop.

It was never spoken about again.  We did get off grounding.  But there still were beating just like before.  And the molesting...now more underground but it really didn't need to be because Mom was never home.  She was out sleeping around with everyone else BUT Marv.  Nope...she gave him me.

Tonight, during the inquisition.  I was a mess.  As soon as Sophie figured out I was boarding the crazy train...she revealed what happened.  I did everything I could to maintain a normal stance...but I crumbled very fast.  I apologized, grabbed some anxiety pills and went to the porch to have a panic attack.  I hate those things!

I hate my children having to see their Mother buy the ticket on the crazy train.  I am used to Sophie knowing.  But, now Nash knows.  It's shameful, it's humiliating, it's humbling, it's my reality.

My chest still hurts, my head hurts from the pounding headache.  I wish that I had never been born.  I wish that my Mom never had us kids.  She was unfit.  And yet here I am...dragging my precious children onto the crazy train with me.  I am so, so sorry to my kids.

The crazy train sucks!  I wish the crazy train did not know where my stop is.

The past, bleeds into the present....and as much as you don't want to hurt your children...you do, because you have that ticket...the ticket no one wants...to the crazy train!

Get out....go to school! Please!

The kids go back to school on August 22nd!

As you know...that is a MAJOR HOLIDAY for parents!

I am practicing my Happy Dance...not that I need the practice.  I have been doing it in my head for weeks now!

Sadly, the last 2 days....I am just done with the kids being home.  They are bored.  It's NASTY hot outside and Nash is getting prickly heat all over his body.  And...honestly....I am sick of their faces!  I would love 5 minutes to myself!  I went into the bathroom the other day...just to "have a moment".  Then I see the boys feet!  I scream....OMG!  GO AWAY!  And now...the girl is joining in.  Really???  You are almost 15 years old!  Do you have to watch me sit on the toilet???

Yesterday...I relished the hours I spent at school copying the Back to School letter to parents from our PTO  I sat in the Teacher's Lounge and enjoyed the conversations with other adults.  Altho they are teachers and are not as happy as I am about school starting.

So, officially....tomorrow it will be a week!  ONE WEEK!

So, Lord...protect my babies....'cuz I do love them more than life itself!  But, I have a shipment of stun guns and pepper spray for my new direct sell company arriving in days and I would hate to have to practice on them  :)
 

teenage girl sleepovers!

Tonight...there is a sleepover going on in my house.

They are watching scary movies.  So, lots of screaming!  And lots of talking...LOUD talking!

I didn't do a lot of sleepovers but my daughter Sophie does.

I think it's a joke that they are called sleepovers.

They do NOT sleep at night! 

Maybe they should be called "Keep your parents awake all night...so that you can sleep the next morning when they go to work" party.

I have gotten a lot of work done...since I can't sleep.

But, sleep would be nice!

have you done direct sales yet???

I did an event tonight as Errand Girl and Party Favors by EG at Ironstone Vineyards in Murphy's, CA.  It was called a "Girls Night Out"...I had a blast!  Lots of direct sale vendors and a few local artists.  I got to meet a ton of nice women!

And...I do love to talk!

Anyway...I have been thinking about doing a direct sale company.  But, nothing has really spoken to me. My hubby signed me up to win a free spa....and I bought BeautyControl.  Not intentionally to sell. 

I have looked at Grace Adele purses....I buy my purses at Target...the same style for years.  Altho...their purses are GORGEOUS!  And I would really like to do Jamberry, the vinyl nail shields.  I had full intention of buying into that company...TONIGHT!  But, she was not there!

In the caves of Ironstone Vineyards

I sat next to lady by the name of Rae Davis, selling Damsel in Defense.  Wow!  Cool company, I think I could work it with my own business because it is a woman product that is right for the times.  And who wouldn't love a pink stun gun????

So, thinking about....what would I do best at.

I have even thought...the last time I saw this company...of hosting a party at school!  It would be great!

Think I made my decision!