kids growing up

Today....in our world things are changing.

Hubby is retiring from his job at the end of the year.  Nash is in 1st grade and dealing with severe anxiety and Sophie is a Sophomore and getting ready to turn 15 years old!  She too has some anxiety issues and also like me...suffers from clinical depression.

And I....I am trying to figure it all out.  Learning to be a bus driver for school because we need to extra income.  Doing some direct sale companies to again...bring in some extra income.

I was always lucky enough to just be a stay at home Mommy.  I had started a business to give me something to do and be.  It never made a great deal of money but I loved it.  It gave me something to be proud of.  But, now...Errand Girl is dying and I am evolving her into an umbrella company for the direct sale companies.  I am going to miss Errand Girl.

And this trying to figure out how to really do it all....is scary....especially when one of my kids is having problems.

Grrr....parenthood...actually Mommyhood is not for the weak!

when your kids are like you

I have not written for a while.  Mom was reading my blog and really if she is not going to have a relationship with me she should not read my blog!

So, I have let it be for a while.

Life has been going on and things are always busy.

Deb was in town...my Mom surrogate.  Oh, the short time I had with her was awesome and I cried when she left!

THis week has been a week of changes...with a lot of seeing things more clearly.

When the weather changes...it creates a havoc in Nash's life like nothing else.  Every clothing change season is hard but this season was our toughest for him.  And it took me back to me....at his age.

I have always said there was something....something slight...wrong with my boy.  I could never put my finger to it.  I had hunches but never a solid...."oh, that's it!"  This week, instead of getting better with age....he is now getting worse.  Worse about change.  Worse....about everything!

This week...watching him.....it took me back to me.  Me at his age.

Mom always said I was an awful kid,  Needy, clingy, terrified of everything, a Momma's girl.  She always told me I was horrible to raise and she never, ever wanted to have another girl because of how awful I was.  Even tho my brothers were criminals and drug addicts that stole from their own families....I was the worst one.

So, this week....I really saw Nash and his fears for the first time.....because I became MY MOM!  I became frustrated by Nash and felt that life sucking cling that I did to my Mom.  That's when I knew....for a solid fact...we needed help! 

I love my Nash so very much but I don't want to hate him like my Mom always hated me.  I would never want my child to ever feel like I did.

So, we are addressing his anxiety.  I spoke to our therapist yesterday and she will start treating him and help him cope and find tools to deal with his anxiety.  Because I know from my childhood....screaming and yelling at him will only make him worse.  Calling him names and making fun of him won't make this better.

I am choosing to love him through it.  Hold his hand and give him tools that he can use to cope with his anxiety.  I will never throw him in the middle of extreme chaos and turn my back on him.

How do YOU know what to do as a parent?

Today....was a bad day for my parenting skills.

Sophie ditched a class...zero period. I have been watching her try to get away with it for days. So, Sunday night when she told me....there was no zero period today. All I could think was...here we go.
I decided I would let her hang herself.

That was hard.

I let Hubby go to work and told him...I would not drive her, she could ride the bus. She panicked and confessed about 1/2 hour before she needed to leave for school to NOT miss zero period. She has a lame excuse. I stick to my guns.

Drama....drama.

I hear from her that she is a good girl and good girls don't serve detention for unexcused absences. But, good girls make mistakes. The screams...the crying.

I told her I would have to think about it....but, more than likely...she is serving a detention and facing the consequences for her actions.

I struggled with the decision.

Growing up I never had a curfew. I had to hire babysitters so that I could go out because Mom was never around. The only time she gave a crap about when I didn't go to school was because the school was giving her a bad time not because she gave a crap. She just wanted to be left alone with what she was doing.

Grades were never cared about...except when they could be used to hurt someone else. As long as I stayed out of her way, gave her the life she needed, took care of her son...I was free. This is when she was single.

When she was married to the molester...going to school and grades were cared about. I had to be available to him at school...so he could swoop in and pick me up for a little afternoon delight and grades...because for some reason he really wanted me to work at Winchell's Donuts...graveyard shift. I am sure it had to do with my time that would be available for him.

I was a good kid...who saw way too much growing up. I knew hookers by name. I had a friend die at a party when I was 14. I. was a good girl. But, I did bad things to get away from bad parents. A Mom that could care less and step-Dad's who was my boyfriend.

Mom would ask about what Step-Dad did with me...she knew and could care less. I did what I did because Mom and my brother were threatened if I did not comply.

So, parenting a 15 year old good girl...was like starting to read War & Peace on chapter 34. I know nothing.

Today, I spend the day searching for the answer on what to do. Knowing that whatever decision I made would be judged because....they always are. II spent the beginning of Sophie's life being told what a terrible mother I was by my family. I finally found the courage to cut them from my life.

So, as a parent....I get a problem and have to solve it. Like with any problem...you have a reference point. I start at chapter 34. Then I start backwards...trying to make heads of tails long the way. Sometimes I feel like I speak French in a land where they only speak numbers.

I spent the day researching parenting advise online. I texted my therapist but she must have been busy. I spoke to several teachers today...asking their advise. I HATE being in situation where I know....I am lost and stupid. I have no skills at being a Mom yet...I am a Mom every day! I don't have someone that will just step in and do it for me. I don't have anyone to ask...hey, what should I do? How do I handle a ditched class? Is natural consequences enough for the 1st offense? What is the right decision?

Damn...today....hell, the last several weeks have sucked!

random things that pop in my head

• 5 days until scrapbook retreat
• the back of my tongue has hurt for 2 days....and I feel like crap
• started packing for retreat today
• had to go to WalMart to buy a new tote/bin for packing in
• during the summer it got used as a small pool
• I can see my desk....the actual wood looking part!
• it's been months since I have seen it
• I got 2 new pair of glasses this past week
• 1 for seeing
• 1 for reading
• bifocals suck when you read & do the computer all the time
• I am so ready for Summer to end...I hate the heat
• since I don't feel good I put on my ugly flannels night gown
• now I am hot!
• and not in a good way!
• got Sophie's STAR test in the mail today
• super advanced in English
• Geometry....think she missed a key lesson...just basic
• I was lucky to pass Geometry with a D+
• looking for a tutor to help her figure out what key lesson she missed
• she is stressing about it
• I wish she was not a perfectionist like me
• if she didn't want to go into medicine...I would say screw it
• I so wish she was not an overacheiver!
• she is WAY too much like me!
• makes me miss David
• he would have been such a good influence on her
• 14 1/2 years he has been gone
• how can you miss someone so long that you have missed longer than you have known them
• same can be said about Ginny
• I hope they are watching over us
• I made a promise to myself and my therapist
• October is dealing with shit month!

Challenge Day

So, this past 2 weeks have been extremely busy!  

1. Getting kids back to school and on a school schedule.
2. Getting our PTO ready for the year, as President...this is a very big job!
3. Giving 2 Back to School speeches to parents of our school...getting them excited to participate.
4. Compiling our list of school volunteers...and doing it backwards so it made the job harder.
5. Making sure all board members know their jobs and are comfortable in their job.
6. Greeting new parents and old parents making sure they know I am approachable and want their help.
7. Starting up 2 new direct sale companies...hoping to make some money.
8. Dealing with school pictures, school yearbook ordering while it is cheaper...and scheduling to work one of them for the elementary school and getting to work with a cool parent!
9. Helping a new principal to get settled into our school.  He is awesome!
10. and I know there is more....but today....I am going to talk about our school's Challenge Day!

Do you know about Challenge Day?  Our school has participated in Challenge Day for the past several years.  I have wanted to participate in it but never was able to.  Either because my son was too younger and it was too long for him to be at a babysitters.  Or my daughter was doing the program and I was not a good person to be there with her.  So, this year...it all worked so I could go and volunteer!

Challenge Day says this on their website -

our vision

Our vision is that every child lives in a world where they feel safe, loved and celebrated.

our mission

The Challenge Day mission is to provide youth and their communities with experiential programs that demonstrate the possibility of love and connection through the celebration of diversity, truth, and full expression.

Being involved with Challenge Day was amazing!  We had 100 students at our school...8th graders and some 7th graders and 26 adult volunteers go thru this program.

If you ever get an opportunity to participate...please do. 

It makes you not feel so alone.  You see that others are going thru their own troubles...just like you.  It makes you think about what is important and what is NOT.  If you have made some positive changes in your life...it validates them.

In one day...less than 6 hours...I danced, cheered, screamed, laughed, cried, shouted, gave love, gave a million hugs, held people, connected with other adults and children, became a better person.

At the end of the session..we were asked to write a letter to someone that we wanted to talk to.  I wrote a letter to my Mom.  My Mom is not dead.  My Mom lives about 1 mile from me...really!  But, I have not spoken to her in 3 years because she choose to believe her husband over me.  I chose my children's safety over her.  We don't speak.

But, I miss my Mom.  She was not a good Mom.  She was not the worst Mom either.  She was just a Mom that made choices that were not good for me and my life and my children's lives.  She did not have a good childhood either and did the best she could....she told me that my whole life!  But, even as an adult...she still chose to make choices that were dangerous to my soul and to deny things that were obvious and pretend that I was crazy.

I wrote this letter to her during Challenge Day.

I will forever be changed by Challenge Day!

back to school....thank you JESUS!

Today was back to school for both of my kids.

Sophie is now a Sophomore and Nash is a 1st grader!

This has been a VERY long summer!  I was more than ready to get them out the door and off to school.

Both were very nervous about the 1st day.  Sophie was afraid she would not have any friends and Nash just didn't want to deal with people.

Sophie started the day badly because she almost missed her bus because she wasn't paying attention to the time...and the bus passed our house.  She went running down the street with binders, purse and in heels.  She is not a graceful child so...I was VERY concerned.  I grabbed my keys, Nash and I hoped in the car....got HER in the van and speed to the bus stop...in time!

Nash was different.  We had to leave an hour before school started just to get a parking spot in the parking lot!  I have been at this school for 10 years....I know how it works  :)  We go to Starbucks, grab a coffee and a snack and wait in the parking lot.  Nash did NOT want to leave the car and just wanted to go home.  So, I set a timer...because they always work.

We walked to his class and said hi to Ms Kitchen and checked out his new desk.  I filled out paperwork and he proceeded to get MORE nervous.  We went to the playground but they sent us back to class...so, that was it.  He colored and told me many times how much he loved his desk!

And...as you know....kids don't get homework on the 1st day....Moms do!  I spent 1 1/2 hours going thru papers, writing checks, plugging in dates on my calendar and signing my life away....to 2 schools!

But...I am glad school is back in session!  May it last forever!

another ride on the crazy train

Today was going to be a good day...I got to sleep in...on a Saturday.

But, as much as I tried...there was a lot of emotion...step-family stuff.  So, decided to be better than the yuck and move on.  I invited my Hubby out to a late lunch and a movie.  Our typical date night (afternoon).  Went to our favorite restaurant and saw the movie...Hope Springs.  It was great!

Then came home to kids.

I hate when a simple incident becomes a flashback to my childhood.  And when its my childhood...it's rarely a happy moment.

When I was getting Nash ready for bed he tattled on his sister.  So typical.  And since Sophie has been doing some really stupid things lately.....I am guessing it because of hormones and brain sludge from Summer.....so, I asked her about what Nash had said.

I could tell...she was not telling me the truth.  And it was NOT a big deal but....I was raised with lies and have raised my children with truth.  So, I asked her again and asked Nash again.  Really???  Now, I am getting crazed because what had be accused was stupid and didn't really matter but, don't lie!

And before I knew it...the past was staring me in the face!  I had to stand my children side by side and ask them to tell me the truth.

As a child, I had 2 brothers...1 Rick was 1 year younger and the other, Ryan, was 6 years younger.  Mom was never home and if anything ever happened, she handed the punishment over to our step-Dad, Marv.

He would line us up and ask us a question.  Rick...always lied!  We could never tell on someone else, they had to confess.  And if he went thru the line up and no one confessed.....the beatings commenced.  We were told to go to our rooms and think about what we are doing to him, to Mom and to ourselves.  I always got beat first because I was the oldest and should have known better.

This is what Sammy looked like.

He would come into my room.  He would be dragging a leather belt.  He would look at me and ask the question....and if I did NOT confess...he would take his belt and double it and hold it in his right hand.  He would hold out his left hand and I would have to place my right hand in his left hand.  And he would start beating.  By holding my right hand and beating me with his right...it caused me to run....away.  He loved that.  Because then our family dog, Sammy, that only loved him.....would be able to chase our feet and bite our toes...while we ran in circles!

As soon as the begging started to get really good and we were falling...he would stop and go to the next person.  Rick, no matter how guilty he was...he never confessed!  So, the beating would happen to him.....and then Ryan.  Ryan would always tell on Rick...which made Marv madder.  And then he would come back to me.  This would go on until someone confessed on their own or Marv got tired.

One time, it kept going on and on over the opening of a Pepsi bottle.  I know...sounds stupid but someone popped the top on a 2 quart bottle of Pepsi and no one confessed!  No one!  So, when he got tired of betting us...he grounded us.  We were grounded for over 3 months.  We could only go out of our rooms for school and meals.  At least my brothers had company since they shared a room.

I finally made it stop when I ran away.

Marv would line us up on occasion, ask us who did it?  And beat us.  Then back to our rooms.  While I was confined to my room...I was also getting molested on a more frequent basis because now...I was really isolated.  So, I had had it.  I was 13 years old and was done!  I ran out the front door...slamming it so hard because I really didn't know where to go.  I just wanted it to stop.  No one came out.  No one heard...except my brothers....and they couldn't tell because....well....they couldn't.

I went to my friend, Joann's house.  Her Mom was an alcoholic cocktail waitress that worked graveyard shift at one of the casinos.  So she was either always drunk, passed out or.....working.  So, I hung out there for several hours.  And then Marv showed up with my Mom...who always claimed she knew nothing!  Demanding that I come home because I am breaking rank and his rules.

And since Joann lived in an apartment, and Marv was loud and Mom was screaming that I had to come home....Joann's Mom woke up and threatened to call the police.  So, I didn't want to get Joann in trouble.  I got in the car with Mom and went back to my prison.  When we got home...I told Mom about the molestations, about that I was going to tell the world what was going on.  She promised it would stop.

You know it did not stop.

It was never spoken about again.  We did get off grounding.  But there still were beating just like before.  And the molesting...now more underground but it really didn't need to be because Mom was never home.  She was out sleeping around with everyone else BUT Marv.  Nope...she gave him me.

Tonight, during the inquisition.  I was a mess.  As soon as Sophie figured out I was boarding the crazy train...she revealed what happened.  I did everything I could to maintain a normal stance...but I crumbled very fast.  I apologized, grabbed some anxiety pills and went to the porch to have a panic attack.  I hate those things!

I hate my children having to see their Mother buy the ticket on the crazy train.  I am used to Sophie knowing.  But, now Nash knows.  It's shameful, it's humiliating, it's humbling, it's my reality.

My chest still hurts, my head hurts from the pounding headache.  I wish that I had never been born.  I wish that my Mom never had us kids.  She was unfit.  And yet here I am...dragging my precious children onto the crazy train with me.  I am so, so sorry to my kids.

The crazy train sucks!  I wish the crazy train did not know where my stop is.

The past, bleeds into the present....and as much as you don't want to hurt your children...you do, because you have that ticket...the ticket no one wants...to the crazy train!