Christmas, 2012

As much as I try to prepare myself for Christmas...sometimes it just gets here and I am not ready for it.  That was this year.

With all that is going on with family and our life.....when the hives hit yesterday I was really unaware why?  Lance's son and daughter-in-law came over with the grandkids for Christmas Eve lunch...it was nice but I was in tears before they showed up.  I tried to assess why...but couldn't.  Then the hives broke out...and I still wasn't hitting the nail on the head.  I took some allergy medicine that helped with the itchiness but it just made me tired and wanting to go to bed.

Then  last night I was overwhelmed with my lack of preparedness for Santa...a huge unbuilt present that threw me for a loop and a hubby getting his ass chewed out about it.  And since he really isn't a fan of the Santa part of Christmas...I am!  So, it didn't both him...and it did me!  Can you tell that Nash's idiosyncrasies don't fall far from the Momma tree  :)  I was a mess last night....and since Christmas is so hard on me....I am overly prepared so when something like this happens...Lord, help us all!

This morning once again I was covered in hives and did NOT want to get out of bed!  But, I had no choice!  I did what I was supposed to do but, my heart was not in it.  We opened presents and everyone got what they wanted.  Afterwards I sat on the floor and put together 2 racetracks, a foos ball table, and air hockey table and was devastated that I was out of batteries!  This is SO NOT LIKE ME!  So, I took a shower and decided to head out to Safeway and get the batteries. 

While out...I passed by Jack in the Box.  The tears flooded.  I looked at the clock...it was the time.  Then I knew...I was NOT prepared for today.  Today was Nicholas' birthday...the moment he came into the world.  He would have been 15 today.  I remember that horrible day.  All of the memories came flooding back.....baby, death, Santa, white rose, horrible sadness, devastation, horror and blame from family that I lost my son.  So much is a blur of pain, utter sadness, letting so many people down and ruining Christmas for everyone.  In the end...being released from the hospital because there was nothing they could do for me....and having Christmas dinner at Jack in the Box.

I didn't want a funeral...I just wanted it to disappear.  I immediately donated his body to science so that his death could help someone else NOT suffer.

You can never get past the death of a child.  I was told may times afterwards that it must have been meant to be.  Having a dead child on Christmas should never have been meant to be...ever.  I have moved on but I am not past it.  I never will be.  There will always be a hole in my heart.  And now....I am the only one left that was there...that remembers how horrible that day was.

I was a mess for the rest of the day.  Overdrugged so that I could STOP itching and drugged in other ways so that I could not feel.  I sat in my jammies and numbed out to a book...and hid in the story.  Everyone knows why...but no one talks.  What can they say?  They don't know.

Christmas is my favorite holiday....but it is also the worst day of my life.  I hope one day, I can look at this day with fondness and not pain.  I try so hard every year to make it great!  To make it NOT a day of sadness.  Sometimes I can forget and enjoy the day but then I feel guilty afterwards but not as bad as like today...where I am just SAD and miserable.

I finally pulled Lance aside and said...today is my son's birthday.  Nicholas would have been 15.  I miss him.  I miss David.  I miss Ginny.  I want Sophie's nose to go back to the nondescript nose she was born with and not this Italian nose that makes me think about her daddy and Ginny....and Nicholas.  I don't like today.  I am sad!   I want this day to stop.  Make it stop!!!!!!!

Today was not Christmas for me.  Today was the day that I missed Christmas 15 years ago and got nothing but grief and sadness.  Today I embarrassed my family and ruined their Christmas.  And the only one that remembers it is me.

This was a shitty Christmas.

our new normal

It's been a while since I have posted.

Life has been changing on me....and I am NOT a fan of change!

1. But, I made the decision to close my business and go to work for someone else.  I am so excited by this decision!  It will make life much easier on me and my family.
2. My Hubby is retiring!  I still can't believe he is...but he is!.  He deserves to have another life and not have to deal with the craziness that working in the prison system has become.
3. Nash and his idiosyncrasy's have finally become something that needs immediate attention.  The day we went from Summer to raining & cold weather, my little man went from a little weird to wow....we need to see a therapist and get a diagnosis!  NOW!  And it was just like that.
4. Sophie is really having a hard time with our new found chaos in the house and that is breaking my heart!
5. And all of this...ok...just the kid thing is ringing me back to my childhood and the craziness it was.

I have new fans....my Mom and the rest of my family.  They have been creeping around and reading my blog....so, I welcome them.  We don't speak but I give up holding a grudge...they are who they are and have to function in their world and I have to function in mine.  And may the 2 paths never, ever cross.  There is a reason that we don't speak and I am not going to rehash is over and over.  The relationship is gone.

So, the past month has been a living Hell with the new reality that Nash has brought.  He has severe anxiety, OCD and possibly a spectrum disorder.  We are going thru the testing and diagnosis part now.  In our house just coping has been more than difficult.

So, if you have an extra prayer...please say one for us...this is going to be a long road to travel until we can get Nash stable and learn how to deal with him.

Now that life has some stability because of my new job...I am hoping to blog more. 

Thanks for hanging in there!

Questions?????

kids growing up

Today....in our world things are changing.

Hubby is retiring from his job at the end of the year.  Nash is in 1st grade and dealing with severe anxiety and Sophie is a Sophomore and getting ready to turn 15 years old!  She too has some anxiety issues and also like me...suffers from clinical depression.

And I....I am trying to figure it all out.  Learning to be a bus driver for school because we need to extra income.  Doing some direct sale companies to again...bring in some extra income.

I was always lucky enough to just be a stay at home Mommy.  I had started a business to give me something to do and be.  It never made a great deal of money but I loved it.  It gave me something to be proud of.  But, now...Errand Girl is dying and I am evolving her into an umbrella company for the direct sale companies.  I am going to miss Errand Girl.

And this trying to figure out how to really do it all....is scary....especially when one of my kids is having problems.

Grrr....parenthood...actually Mommyhood is not for the weak!

when your kids are like you

I have not written for a while.  Mom was reading my blog and really if she is not going to have a relationship with me she should not read my blog!

So, I have let it be for a while.

Life has been going on and things are always busy.

Deb was in town...my Mom surrogate.  Oh, the short time I had with her was awesome and I cried when she left!

THis week has been a week of changes...with a lot of seeing things more clearly.

When the weather changes...it creates a havoc in Nash's life like nothing else.  Every clothing change season is hard but this season was our toughest for him.  And it took me back to me....at his age.

I have always said there was something....something slight...wrong with my boy.  I could never put my finger to it.  I had hunches but never a solid...."oh, that's it!"  This week, instead of getting better with age....he is now getting worse.  Worse about change.  Worse....about everything!

This week...watching him.....it took me back to me.  Me at his age.

Mom always said I was an awful kid,  Needy, clingy, terrified of everything, a Momma's girl.  She always told me I was horrible to raise and she never, ever wanted to have another girl because of how awful I was.  Even tho my brothers were criminals and drug addicts that stole from their own families....I was the worst one.

So, this week....I really saw Nash and his fears for the first time.....because I became MY MOM!  I became frustrated by Nash and felt that life sucking cling that I did to my Mom.  That's when I knew....for a solid fact...we needed help! 

I love my Nash so very much but I don't want to hate him like my Mom always hated me.  I would never want my child to ever feel like I did.

So, we are addressing his anxiety.  I spoke to our therapist yesterday and she will start treating him and help him cope and find tools to deal with his anxiety.  Because I know from my childhood....screaming and yelling at him will only make him worse.  Calling him names and making fun of him won't make this better.

I am choosing to love him through it.  Hold his hand and give him tools that he can use to cope with his anxiety.  I will never throw him in the middle of extreme chaos and turn my back on him.

How do YOU know what to do as a parent?

Today....was a bad day for my parenting skills.

Sophie ditched a class...zero period. I have been watching her try to get away with it for days. So, Sunday night when she told me....there was no zero period today. All I could think was...here we go.
I decided I would let her hang herself.

That was hard.

I let Hubby go to work and told him...I would not drive her, she could ride the bus. She panicked and confessed about 1/2 hour before she needed to leave for school to NOT miss zero period. She has a lame excuse. I stick to my guns.

Drama....drama.

I hear from her that she is a good girl and good girls don't serve detention for unexcused absences. But, good girls make mistakes. The screams...the crying.

I told her I would have to think about it....but, more than likely...she is serving a detention and facing the consequences for her actions.

I struggled with the decision.

Growing up I never had a curfew. I had to hire babysitters so that I could go out because Mom was never around. The only time she gave a crap about when I didn't go to school was because the school was giving her a bad time not because she gave a crap. She just wanted to be left alone with what she was doing.

Grades were never cared about...except when they could be used to hurt someone else. As long as I stayed out of her way, gave her the life she needed, took care of her son...I was free. This is when she was single.

When she was married to the molester...going to school and grades were cared about. I had to be available to him at school...so he could swoop in and pick me up for a little afternoon delight and grades...because for some reason he really wanted me to work at Winchell's Donuts...graveyard shift. I am sure it had to do with my time that would be available for him.

I was a good kid...who saw way too much growing up. I knew hookers by name. I had a friend die at a party when I was 14. I. was a good girl. But, I did bad things to get away from bad parents. A Mom that could care less and step-Dad's who was my boyfriend.

Mom would ask about what Step-Dad did with me...she knew and could care less. I did what I did because Mom and my brother were threatened if I did not comply.

So, parenting a 15 year old good girl...was like starting to read War & Peace on chapter 34. I know nothing.

Today, I spend the day searching for the answer on what to do. Knowing that whatever decision I made would be judged because....they always are. II spent the beginning of Sophie's life being told what a terrible mother I was by my family. I finally found the courage to cut them from my life.

So, as a parent....I get a problem and have to solve it. Like with any problem...you have a reference point. I start at chapter 34. Then I start backwards...trying to make heads of tails long the way. Sometimes I feel like I speak French in a land where they only speak numbers.

I spent the day researching parenting advise online. I texted my therapist but she must have been busy. I spoke to several teachers today...asking their advise. I HATE being in situation where I know....I am lost and stupid. I have no skills at being a Mom yet...I am a Mom every day! I don't have someone that will just step in and do it for me. I don't have anyone to ask...hey, what should I do? How do I handle a ditched class? Is natural consequences enough for the 1st offense? What is the right decision?

Damn...today....hell, the last several weeks have sucked!

random things that pop in my head

• 5 days until scrapbook retreat
• the back of my tongue has hurt for 2 days....and I feel like crap
• started packing for retreat today
• had to go to WalMart to buy a new tote/bin for packing in
• during the summer it got used as a small pool
• I can see my desk....the actual wood looking part!
• it's been months since I have seen it
• I got 2 new pair of glasses this past week
• 1 for seeing
• 1 for reading
• bifocals suck when you read & do the computer all the time
• I am so ready for Summer to end...I hate the heat
• since I don't feel good I put on my ugly flannels night gown
• now I am hot!
• and not in a good way!
• got Sophie's STAR test in the mail today
• super advanced in English
• Geometry....think she missed a key lesson...just basic
• I was lucky to pass Geometry with a D+
• looking for a tutor to help her figure out what key lesson she missed
• she is stressing about it
• I wish she was not a perfectionist like me
• if she didn't want to go into medicine...I would say screw it
• I so wish she was not an overacheiver!
• she is WAY too much like me!
• makes me miss David
• he would have been such a good influence on her
• 14 1/2 years he has been gone
• how can you miss someone so long that you have missed longer than you have known them
• same can be said about Ginny
• I hope they are watching over us
• I made a promise to myself and my therapist
• October is dealing with shit month!

Challenge Day

So, this past 2 weeks have been extremely busy!  

1. Getting kids back to school and on a school schedule.
2. Getting our PTO ready for the year, as President...this is a very big job!
3. Giving 2 Back to School speeches to parents of our school...getting them excited to participate.
4. Compiling our list of school volunteers...and doing it backwards so it made the job harder.
5. Making sure all board members know their jobs and are comfortable in their job.
6. Greeting new parents and old parents making sure they know I am approachable and want their help.
7. Starting up 2 new direct sale companies...hoping to make some money.
8. Dealing with school pictures, school yearbook ordering while it is cheaper...and scheduling to work one of them for the elementary school and getting to work with a cool parent!
9. Helping a new principal to get settled into our school.  He is awesome!
10. and I know there is more....but today....I am going to talk about our school's Challenge Day!

Do you know about Challenge Day?  Our school has participated in Challenge Day for the past several years.  I have wanted to participate in it but never was able to.  Either because my son was too younger and it was too long for him to be at a babysitters.  Or my daughter was doing the program and I was not a good person to be there with her.  So, this year...it all worked so I could go and volunteer!

Challenge Day says this on their website -

our vision

Our vision is that every child lives in a world where they feel safe, loved and celebrated.

our mission

The Challenge Day mission is to provide youth and their communities with experiential programs that demonstrate the possibility of love and connection through the celebration of diversity, truth, and full expression.

Being involved with Challenge Day was amazing!  We had 100 students at our school...8th graders and some 7th graders and 26 adult volunteers go thru this program.

If you ever get an opportunity to participate...please do. 

It makes you not feel so alone.  You see that others are going thru their own troubles...just like you.  It makes you think about what is important and what is NOT.  If you have made some positive changes in your life...it validates them.

In one day...less than 6 hours...I danced, cheered, screamed, laughed, cried, shouted, gave love, gave a million hugs, held people, connected with other adults and children, became a better person.

At the end of the session..we were asked to write a letter to someone that we wanted to talk to.  I wrote a letter to my Mom.  My Mom is not dead.  My Mom lives about 1 mile from me...really!  But, I have not spoken to her in 3 years because she choose to believe her husband over me.  I chose my children's safety over her.  We don't speak.

But, I miss my Mom.  She was not a good Mom.  She was not the worst Mom either.  She was just a Mom that made choices that were not good for me and my life and my children's lives.  She did not have a good childhood either and did the best she could....she told me that my whole life!  But, even as an adult...she still chose to make choices that were dangerous to my soul and to deny things that were obvious and pretend that I was crazy.

I wrote this letter to her during Challenge Day.

I will forever be changed by Challenge Day!