the impending death of my mother-in-law, Part 2

So, after David died....I took on David's role.

I was now her shoulder, her care-taker of sorts......altho we leaned on each other most of the time.

I became a member of HER Widow's Club.  All of her friends were widows.  They were an awesome group of ladies.  They all adored me and Sophie.  We went to lunch with them weekly if not more than that. 

We had lunch at Ginny's house often.  And had weekly visits to the cemetery to visit David & her husband, Jim 

I learned how to clean a headstone.  I knew where all of her friends husband's were buried.  We always made sure to say hi to the neighbor's.  One side was a soldier, he was visited frequently and the other side was a woman who was never visited.  Ginny always made sure her headstone was clean as well.  :)  It's an art really.  And you don't know of it until you have to know...then you know what to do and how to do it.

Up until Sophie was almost 4...this was our life.

We talked a lot about me getting on with my life.  She approved and knew I had to...and encouraged it.

I started to date.  She would sometimes babysit Sophie.  I would come home from a date and tell her a little about it...until she started to cry then I would stop.

She met the one man that really wanted to marry me.  His name was Dennis.  I loved him so very much...but not in love with him. 

She got breast cancer, stage 3 the beginning of 2001.  She had had a radical mastectomy & chemo.  I was there for that along with her other daughter-in-law, Janet.  Janet came up for the surgery and we had our battle lines drawn.  We took turns being in the hospital the entire time she was there.  Janet lived in LA...she came up whenever she could and I held down the post...and Ginny  :)  We got her thru it...along with her friends.

It got to the point that I needed to get a life of my own.  My parents had decided to move up here to Sonora to retire and be with my Aunt & Uncle.  My Mom came to me and said it was time to move on....and this was my opportunity.

I moved on September 18, 2001, just 1 week after 9/11.

It was her birthday.  It broke her heart.

I packed up my house with the help of Dennis and my sister-in-law Tammie into a U-Haul and moved here to Sonora.  I spent my last night in her house with Sophie.  It was hard to leave her.

I hadn't been to Sonora in YEARS!  I HATED IT!

My Aunt & Uncle had an apartment for me to live in here.  It was VERY NICE!

After a couple of months...I was miserable!  I wanted to go home...back to David's memory, back to Ginny...where I didn't have to move on....she loved me.

So, I went back for a vacation with the intention of moving back home.  And I saw....that I couldn't go back.

I asked her to come with me  :)  Help me raise my daughter...be a part of our lives in Sonora.  She said it was time for me to make a life for Sophie and she was going to move back to her home...New Jersey.  Not yet...but soon.

So, back to Sonora I came.  I made a life.

Sophie and I would go visit her in Santa Maria a lot until she moved.  I talked to her on the phone at least 2 to 3 times a week.  She was a pain in the neck but very supportive.

Whenever she would do something that I didn't like...I would always threaten to beat her up 'cuz she was this tiny little Italian woman!  LOL  She would always laugh.  It was a standing joke with us.  She was the most stubborn woman!  The things she would think she could do while standing on a chair! 

I came over one day to find her in her lazyboy...not moving much.  I knew something was wrong but she would NOT admit a thing.  After an hour...I had to use her bathroom.  I found the reason she wasn't moving.  She had placed a chair in her garden tub to stand on to clean the window...and fell.  I was crazed!

Yes, Ginny is a hotheaded, stubborn, little Italian lady.  You would think a good cook..think again!  LOL  My heart is breaking knowing that I won't see her again.

more to come

the impending death of my mother-in-law, Part 1

I know I have a strange situation.

The mother-in-law I have....is actually the mother-in-law from my first marriage. 

When I married Lance, his mother had already passed so I didn't get a mother-in-law from him.

When I first met my mother-in-law...it was a quick meet & greet of all of David's fellow co-workers.  At the time of meeting her...I really was no more than a friend.

But, our relationship grew and since David was an adult....he did not explain that to his Mom.  His Mom, Virginia Eula, was a widow and never quite got thru the loss of her beloved husband.  He had passed many years before I had met David and the house was still as it was when he died. 

Ginny, as she is usually referred to, is a DEVOTE CATHOLIC!  Weekly mass, all of the observances, pays money to have masses held in the memory of a loved one.  Yep...church is a big deal with her.

So, when she found out that her son and I were serious...was when he told her I was pregnant with her 1st grandchild.  OK...how do you think she took it???

NOT WELL  :)

There were names called...we won't go into them  LOL  Allegations made of my trapping of her son....I was at the time 32 years old and he was 35.  Anyway...she was NOT pleased with the way things came about.  But, we worked together to form a bond since...well....I was here to stay.

She got to where she really did like me!  And why not!  I ROCK!

So, the day David called her to tell her that I was very sick with the pregnancy and we were going to the hospital.  She was very worried.  And when David called her to tell her that we were being transferred to a larger hospital to handle this huge problem.  She was right there!

She was devastated when we lost our son, Nicholas James.  Especially since it was Christmas and he was the namesake for her husband.....and this was her first grandchild.

She had lost a child too so was very compassionate and talked to me a lot about the loss.  We would pray, talk and not talk. 

She was very supportive of me and her son and very much wanted us to try again.

So, since we were NOT married when we lost our son.  We thought we should get that done.  We had planned on a big wedding after Nicholas was born but now I just wanted to get married.  David and I went to the courthouse and got married without the fanfare or hullabaloo. 

We got married on Nicholas James' due date...February 29, 1996.  He died on Christmas  Day, 1995.

She was thrilled that I was now her daughter-in-law officially!  She threw us a party.

We spent a lot of time with Ginny.  Had lunch with her weekly...I really enjoyed her.

She was a funny person tho.  She had things...that well...made her............her.  She was from New Jersey, had a fabulous accent....and David could say things just like she did!  OMG!  Still funny to this day!

Anyway...after much trying we had Sophie.  I had a special neonatologist that I saw weekly, had weekly sonograms and tests....she loved those!  She loved being able to bond with Sophie before she was born.  We named Sophie after the love of his father's life....Sophia Loren! 

Sophia Marie Eula was born on November 1, 1997 @ 9:16pm

This is Ginny meeting her granddaughter, Sophie....she was in HEAVEN!

Here we are about 1 week after Sophie was born with Ginny, my sister-in-law at the time Janet & her daughter Muireann.  Yep, Sophie was a big deal to the family!

But, on April 29, 1998......our world changed.  David died.

I won't even go into the horror of losing David but, it did give Ginny and I a bond that could never be broken....ever!

I was the holder of the ties Ginny had to her son.  I had everything...she had memories.  I got to see David daily in Sophie...she got to see David when we went to see her.

more to come

Saturday views

I do love writing in lists.....

• was up with Nash last night..snuggled, watched his new favorite movie Marmaduke, then tucked him back into bed about 3am
• wish I knew why he wakes up at night
• wonder if he is a sleepwalker too?
• this is different from when Sophie was a sleepwalker
• she never spoke...took me years to figure it out
• all he does is talk  :)
• I know he loves just having me all to himself
• he is such a Mommy's boy
• T-ball games at 8:30am...are hard
• especially when you had a midnight party with your son the night before
• bought plants for this years garden
• love gardening...and planning it
• having a huge herb garden on our deck
• to keep the slugs and snails from attacking it
• I have had slug salad............
• never again!
• going to try my hand at potatoes this year
• found some cool tomato plants...no one has thought to buy any yet!
• went crazy for onions  :)
• then birthday party for my grandson Caleb
• he turned 1
• he is ADORABLE!
• Elliot...calling me Ya Ya...
• HEAVEN!
• Nash had a rough day today
• probably because he was REALLY tired!
• me too!
• tomorrow is Easter
• I really miss creamed eggs on biscuits
• one of the things I miss about not having a family
• we had that every year
• lance & the kids don't really appreciate it
• It's REALLY the most wonderful food!
• makes me miss having a Mom and family
• no one knows me from my beginning
• and those that do
• hate me
• ............................
• working on new traditions
• never, ever want to disappoint my children like I have been disappointed
• tomorrow should be fun for Nash
• Easter Bunny has been here and left cool things for Nash & Sophie
• talked Sophie into trying out for Water Polo in high school
• she is not impressed with the idea
• but, it will be good for her
• making your children do what they don't want to sucks most of the time
• parenting is a 50/50 shot of being a hero...or sucking eggs!
• I hope in the end...I do a good job and my children don't feel about me the way I feel about my Mom
• I would never forgive myself

Happy Easter to all

long...very long week

I like making lists...so today will be a list

1. TGIF!
2. really!
3. I feel like I have been running a race with bubble gum on my feet.
4. It was a good week....Sophie's team won 1st place in their tournament and went all season undefeated!  That's VERY good!
5. Lance went back to work!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
6. And got a brace fitted on Thursday!  YES!
7. I am sure other good things happened too.
8. Never heard back from my brother.  I kind of figured it was a trick or a cruelty.  hum....
9. Today Sophie informed me that she has only 29 days left of school.
10. By now...you know the drill.....................kill me!  I am not ready!
11. Holding Nash back in Kindergarten.
12. Still think its a great idea.....but, I am a Mommy.  I worry.
13. I have a festival coming up next weekend.
14. I need to get ready!
15. This last month of school...is going to be tough!
16. We are having a sleepover party tonight.
17. The things teenage girls laugh at............funny!
18. Sophie is getting close with Sarah again.  I have missed Sarah.  Glad she is back  :)
19. I am tired...going to bed.

kindergarten is not always easy

My little boy Nash......

When I signed him up last year for kindergarten, I knew it was a 50/50 shot that he would make it.

I have been holding my breathe since he started.  His birthday is September 7th and he was still 4 when school started.

Boys do NOT mature as fast as girls.

Nash is very smart....VERY!  And Nash is very stubborn....VERY!

I used to blame Sophie's stubbornness on her Daddy.  Now that Nash is so much like his sister...and the common denominator is me.

I must take the stubborn blame  :)

At the first report card....his teacher told me that Nash was smart but, having fine motor skill issues but not to worry.  It was because he was young and they would come.

Then in January, Nash's teacher talked to me after I worked in class about holding Nash back for the next year.  I knew immediately she was right.

But, Lance is a Dad.  He did not see what I saw and the teacher saw.  He just saw that people would know.

Nash has been having problems lately.

He cries every morning about going to school.  Has so many excuses as to why he should NOT go.

I have threatened him with the police, his former daycare lady and going to prison and never seeing his Mommy again.

I hate this!

Today I talked to his teacher about the crying.

After a long talk...I knew it was time to just take the pressure off this little boy and me.

I am holding Nash back next year.  He will repeat Kindergarten and stay with his teacher.

This was so very hard to tell Lance....but, when I did...thru my tears.....he knew it was the best thing.

I talked to Nash about this.  I think it took the pressure off of him...he is looking forward to NOT going to 1st grade but to kindergarten.

Parenting is hard.  Making the right decisions is DAMNED hard!  I feel like this is the right decision but I worry about the future.

I have to go with what is good for him now and worry about the future when I get there.

I think will be good.  Who doesn't have the best memories of kindergarten...now he will get a double dose of them  :)

the joy of depression...NOT!

So, I am a sufferer of clinical/major & chronic depression.  From what I have been told...I have had it my whole life.  But, I was very, VERY good at denial and dancing as fast as I could from it.

But...eventually...it comes to a head.  Or at least that's what I am told.  Two years ago it all came crashing down.  No more dancing, no more denial.  REALITY!

So now...I take anti-depressants & anti-anxiety medications.  They WORK!

I do really good most of the time.  I will have moments or a day of the cloud hanging over my head. 

But, this week...it was more than that.  It was overwhelming.  It was exhausting.  It hurts...really.  The body aches are awful!  It's a sadness that envelopes you.  It feels like it will never end...even tho you know it will.  You want to end.

I have come close to ending my life...many times.  And really more than I am willing to admit. 

When I was a kid I thought about it a lot but was afraid of who would take care of my brothers & mother if I left.  So, I stayed.

When I was a young adult....some of the walls that I had built to keep me from knowing what I had endured as a child opened and I saw what I had gone thru...but, only a sliver of the horrors.  So, I drugged up and learned to pretend it DIDN'T happen.

But, I finally got to a place where I had to face it to protect my own children.  It all came out and I HAD to see it, touch it, FEEL it.  This is why I don't have a relationship with my family anymore.  I could no longer deny my past or pretend that it was ok.


I cracked open....or just cracked!

But, I saw it all with the eyes of an adult and felt it with the heart of my inner child.....and said NO MORE with the clarity of a survivor.

I hope...and pray that I never end my life.  I DON'T plan on ever wanting to.  I have a great life, a fabulous husband, wonderful children, step-children, and grandchildren.  I have great & amazing friends....and with all of them...I have people that really love me.  They want the best for me.

Sometimes.....I feel like the girl on the swing.  I do hate to remember but, if I forget about it....it could happen again.  To someone I love more than I love myself.

Yes world....depression is NOT fun!  But, it can be lived with.

I live with it and will continue to LIVE with it.

If you ever get depressed or just have a slope for a couple of days...this is a great book!













Today, I will have bumps in my road and trips & falls.  I will never NOT have depression.

Thanks for reading  :)

The fight goes on......................

a day off....LOL really, never seems like one :)

Yep...it's Monday!

I started the day oversleeping...not that I didn't need it...'cuz I did.  And only about 10 minutes.  But, those are my 10 minutes I use for beauty.  LOL

My New Year's Resolution this year...was to be more presentable.  Wear make up and dress better....so I look better and feel better.  And it really works!  So, I had to rush.

Getting the troups to realize that YES....you have to go to school!

Not Sophie...she loves to go to school!  I usually have to beg her to stay home from school...even when she is sick!

But, Nash....yes, that adorable little face...does not like to go to school!  He is a Momma's boy!

So, I have now had to resort to threatening him with the Police to go to school!  Yes, really!  Then after I have convinced him to go...I have to remind him that he must NOT cry when I drop him off.  HE IS A BIG BOY!  Please no tears today!

So, back to my story.  I wake up late...rush thru the beauty part of my morning.  Get dressed in a presentable way.  Breakfast & coffee for me....breakfast of leftover pancakes for Nash.  Then begging to boy to get dressed.....yes, please wear something other than sweats.  OK.....wear the sweats....but please....it's not raining, please don't wear the rain boots!

Hubbyman announces he wants to come with us this morning because he wants to go to his doctor and see if they will read his MRI before Friday because they are really bugging him to come back to work.

After drinking the LAST drop of my coffee...I start the car to warm up...cuz, yes...it's still pretty cold in the AM.  Go back in the house, start the last load of laundry, take the dog out to pee and get notes from Sophie as to what I am supposed to complain to the principal about at school.

I load everyone in the car...drop hubbyman at the doctors and when he is done...he will hobble back to school...it really is only a stones throw from school..........get to school.  Tell Sophie I love her and walk Nash to class.  But, I always have to stop in the office...see what is going on and say hi.  Sign in and start walking to class.

Nash is always sure we will be late.  We never are!

We are too late to get one of the school yard balls.  hang head!

Finally the bell rings...yard duty blows the whistle...woo hoo...time to line up!

We wait in line for the teacher to come.  She comes and sweetly greets all the kids.  Nash tells her that I have to come in the class.  She looks at me...I look at her.  I walk in class.  I lean over and give Nash 3 kisses on his forehead, one kiss on the lips and 3 hugs.  I ask him if he needs to sit in the rocking chair with a blanket or can he sit on his spot.  He looks at the teacher and announces that he is sick  :)  I love his teacher!  She takes his hand and leads him away with promises of cuddles and special treatment.  I escape!

I go to the principals office for a meeting.  I meet hubbyman in front of the office and ask him if he wants to come in?  He is confused.  I shake my head and go in.  He hobbles in saying yes he will come in but doesn't want to intrude.  It's about our child...no intrusion possible!

Talk go about as good as I thought...and now I have a mission to go forward.

We leave the office and head to the car.  I start making phone calls to see if I work today.  I listen to messages to see how my day is going to go...and YES!  No run today!

I get a day off.

But you see...I don't get real days off.  I own 4 businesses, am co-president of our PTO, have 2 kids in elementary school...one of which is graduating into high school and the other into 1st grade...and have a husband home from work because he is injured and can't drive.

Oh...TO HAVE A DAY OFF!  REALLY!

I stop at Starbuck's get me an iced tea and hubbyman a coffee.  Go home and try to work on things.  It's hard with hubbyman trying NOT to be in the way but is.

I did manage to make Nash's new chore list and design 8 new favors for my website.  Was unable to work in my office but was able to get things I needed from my office and work at the dining room table.  Was also able to fill out a couple of applications for school & our PTO and make an amazing pot roast dinner for my step-son and daughter-in-law and adorable grandsons!  Was also able to fold 5 loads of laundry and get it all put away...and not killing the hubbyman today!  Nash made it too!  I think he made it because he was at school this morning.

Also...had a date with hubbyman!  I love him!  But, I will be glad when he goes to work and I can get my life back.

That was my day off.  What is a day off to you????

Sunday....Sunday

Well.....

you know how it started out!

Eggies & Pancakes!  Our world would end without them!

Tried to have a long talk with Nash about his current behavior.

I know it's part phase and part mad at his Daddy for being hurt.

But...he is a shithead!  An adorable one...but one none the less!

Just look at that face....you can see it!

Mischief!

meandering...................

It's been a very long....many weeks!

Lots of highs and lows.

Lots of preparing for excitement....for just a let down.

Seems like I am getting a lot done with the idea of future fun and not getting it.

What I am getting...is tired!

Seems like I am in a hurry up and wait mode.

So...not sure how to get out of this cycle.  Not even sure I have any control over it either.

But, I do know...it sucks!

And just in case I haven't bitched enough.

What the HELL is this phase Nash is in??

I have become his mortal enemy.  He looks at me as if I should fall on the floor and die.  He is angry at me...and I don't know why.  If I say the sky is blue...he will argue that it is not...until he wins...or gets spanked.

Look at that adorable face!

I wish he would tell me what I have done...and why I am the target of his anger.

Again......

ok...I am off to bed.  Bitching is tiring!

Community Supported Agriculture...and me :)

I am not a health nut!
LOL
OMG!
No way!

But, I know I can do better with what I serve my family...and me!

I had been talking and thinking about utilizing a CSA...and searched them out.

Then forgot.

Then talked about it again.

This is where having a crippled hubby worked for a good thing............we talked about it.  He looked it up on the computer...right there and then!  Well...because since he got hurt...the computer is now a living room fixture.

So, I looked at it...chose a type of box...and woo hoo!  They take PayPal!

Today was my first delivery.

I was very excited!  And nervous too.  I am not an adventurous eater....and so neither are my kids.

I worried I might get something really weird that I just couldn't eat.

So, I pick up my box...and am excited!

What could be in there  :)

We pay $25 for what they call a mini - they describe it like........Bi-weekly deliveries through the fall/winter and spring (October through June)

The mini is designed with a single person in mind or couples that lead busy lives and are not always at home to cook every night. We have sized the mini to include a little of everything: vegetables, greens, fruits and roots. You can expect to receive at least half of the amount of a Basic and half the amount of the Fruit and Storage Option.

You can expect to eat a full range of seasonal vegetables, fruits and roots, from tomatoes to broccoli, bell peppers to artichokes; asian pears to oranges, kiwi to strawberries; onions to sweet potatoes and turnips to carrots.

I felt it was like Christmas....with all of the yummy stuff we had

There was carrots, artichokes, asparagus, chard, fancy greens, spinach, purple onions, sweet potatoes, potatoes, oranges, apples, pears & lemons.

Very excited!

Where have I been?

I really, really tried to blog while on vacation.  But, I was on my hubby's laptop......new laptop and he keeps everything so complicated...that I just didn't bother.

I did really want to have a fun relaxing vacation........but, it was not.  I did have fun with my kids tho.  Relaxing...was not on the list of events.

Hubby got hurt in Alcatraz....will be getting an MRI next Monday.  So, he got to rest and I got to run.

And I also got to take my daughter graduation dress shopping.

I LOVE TO SHOP!

Sophie is not a shopper. 

But, we did manage to find a dress that when she put it on...made me cry.  She was beautiful!

Since getting home...it has been non-stop madness.

T-Ball is in full swing.  Volleyball is halfway done.  Hubby can't drive.  I have 2 events that are back to back at school.  An e-Waste/Recycling fundraiser this Friday and next week...a Dinner Night Out @ McDonald's..

I feel like a chicken with its head cut off...running like crazy!

I am tired....and not seeing an end in sight.

I really need a Sister Wife  :)