kindergarten is not always easy

My little boy Nash......

When I signed him up last year for kindergarten, I knew it was a 50/50 shot that he would make it.

I have been holding my breathe since he started.  His birthday is September 7th and he was still 4 when school started.

Boys do NOT mature as fast as girls.

Nash is very smart....VERY!  And Nash is very stubborn....VERY!

I used to blame Sophie's stubbornness on her Daddy.  Now that Nash is so much like his sister...and the common denominator is me.

I must take the stubborn blame  :)

At the first report card....his teacher told me that Nash was smart but, having fine motor skill issues but not to worry.  It was because he was young and they would come.

Then in January, Nash's teacher talked to me after I worked in class about holding Nash back for the next year.  I knew immediately she was right.

But, Lance is a Dad.  He did not see what I saw and the teacher saw.  He just saw that people would know.

Nash has been having problems lately.

He cries every morning about going to school.  Has so many excuses as to why he should NOT go.

I have threatened him with the police, his former daycare lady and going to prison and never seeing his Mommy again.

I hate this!

Today I talked to his teacher about the crying.

After a long talk...I knew it was time to just take the pressure off this little boy and me.

I am holding Nash back next year.  He will repeat Kindergarten and stay with his teacher.

This was so very hard to tell Lance....but, when I did...thru my tears.....he knew it was the best thing.

I talked to Nash about this.  I think it took the pressure off of him...he is looking forward to NOT going to 1st grade but to kindergarten.

Parenting is hard.  Making the right decisions is DAMNED hard!  I feel like this is the right decision but I worry about the future.

I have to go with what is good for him now and worry about the future when I get there.

I think will be good.  Who doesn't have the best memories of kindergarten...now he will get a double dose of them  :)

the joy of depression...NOT!

So, I am a sufferer of clinical/major & chronic depression.  From what I have been told...I have had it my whole life.  But, I was very, VERY good at denial and dancing as fast as I could from it.

But...eventually...it comes to a head.  Or at least that's what I am told.  Two years ago it all came crashing down.  No more dancing, no more denial.  REALITY!

So now...I take anti-depressants & anti-anxiety medications.  They WORK!

I do really good most of the time.  I will have moments or a day of the cloud hanging over my head. 

But, this week...it was more than that.  It was overwhelming.  It was exhausting.  It hurts...really.  The body aches are awful!  It's a sadness that envelopes you.  It feels like it will never end...even tho you know it will.  You want to end.

I have come close to ending my life...many times.  And really more than I am willing to admit. 

When I was a kid I thought about it a lot but was afraid of who would take care of my brothers & mother if I left.  So, I stayed.

When I was a young adult....some of the walls that I had built to keep me from knowing what I had endured as a child opened and I saw what I had gone thru...but, only a sliver of the horrors.  So, I drugged up and learned to pretend it DIDN'T happen.

But, I finally got to a place where I had to face it to protect my own children.  It all came out and I HAD to see it, touch it, FEEL it.  This is why I don't have a relationship with my family anymore.  I could no longer deny my past or pretend that it was ok.


I cracked open....or just cracked!

But, I saw it all with the eyes of an adult and felt it with the heart of my inner child.....and said NO MORE with the clarity of a survivor.

I hope...and pray that I never end my life.  I DON'T plan on ever wanting to.  I have a great life, a fabulous husband, wonderful children, step-children, and grandchildren.  I have great & amazing friends....and with all of them...I have people that really love me.  They want the best for me.

Sometimes.....I feel like the girl on the swing.  I do hate to remember but, if I forget about it....it could happen again.  To someone I love more than I love myself.

Yes world....depression is NOT fun!  But, it can be lived with.

I live with it and will continue to LIVE with it.

If you ever get depressed or just have a slope for a couple of days...this is a great book!













Today, I will have bumps in my road and trips & falls.  I will never NOT have depression.

Thanks for reading  :)

The fight goes on......................

a day off....LOL really, never seems like one :)

Yep...it's Monday!

I started the day oversleeping...not that I didn't need it...'cuz I did.  And only about 10 minutes.  But, those are my 10 minutes I use for beauty.  LOL

My New Year's Resolution this year...was to be more presentable.  Wear make up and dress better....so I look better and feel better.  And it really works!  So, I had to rush.

Getting the troups to realize that YES....you have to go to school!

Not Sophie...she loves to go to school!  I usually have to beg her to stay home from school...even when she is sick!

But, Nash....yes, that adorable little face...does not like to go to school!  He is a Momma's boy!

So, I have now had to resort to threatening him with the Police to go to school!  Yes, really!  Then after I have convinced him to go...I have to remind him that he must NOT cry when I drop him off.  HE IS A BIG BOY!  Please no tears today!

So, back to my story.  I wake up late...rush thru the beauty part of my morning.  Get dressed in a presentable way.  Breakfast & coffee for me....breakfast of leftover pancakes for Nash.  Then begging to boy to get dressed.....yes, please wear something other than sweats.  OK.....wear the sweats....but please....it's not raining, please don't wear the rain boots!

Hubbyman announces he wants to come with us this morning because he wants to go to his doctor and see if they will read his MRI before Friday because they are really bugging him to come back to work.

After drinking the LAST drop of my coffee...I start the car to warm up...cuz, yes...it's still pretty cold in the AM.  Go back in the house, start the last load of laundry, take the dog out to pee and get notes from Sophie as to what I am supposed to complain to the principal about at school.

I load everyone in the car...drop hubbyman at the doctors and when he is done...he will hobble back to school...it really is only a stones throw from school..........get to school.  Tell Sophie I love her and walk Nash to class.  But, I always have to stop in the office...see what is going on and say hi.  Sign in and start walking to class.

Nash is always sure we will be late.  We never are!

We are too late to get one of the school yard balls.  hang head!

Finally the bell rings...yard duty blows the whistle...woo hoo...time to line up!

We wait in line for the teacher to come.  She comes and sweetly greets all the kids.  Nash tells her that I have to come in the class.  She looks at me...I look at her.  I walk in class.  I lean over and give Nash 3 kisses on his forehead, one kiss on the lips and 3 hugs.  I ask him if he needs to sit in the rocking chair with a blanket or can he sit on his spot.  He looks at the teacher and announces that he is sick  :)  I love his teacher!  She takes his hand and leads him away with promises of cuddles and special treatment.  I escape!

I go to the principals office for a meeting.  I meet hubbyman in front of the office and ask him if he wants to come in?  He is confused.  I shake my head and go in.  He hobbles in saying yes he will come in but doesn't want to intrude.  It's about our child...no intrusion possible!

Talk go about as good as I thought...and now I have a mission to go forward.

We leave the office and head to the car.  I start making phone calls to see if I work today.  I listen to messages to see how my day is going to go...and YES!  No run today!

I get a day off.

But you see...I don't get real days off.  I own 4 businesses, am co-president of our PTO, have 2 kids in elementary school...one of which is graduating into high school and the other into 1st grade...and have a husband home from work because he is injured and can't drive.

Oh...TO HAVE A DAY OFF!  REALLY!

I stop at Starbuck's get me an iced tea and hubbyman a coffee.  Go home and try to work on things.  It's hard with hubbyman trying NOT to be in the way but is.

I did manage to make Nash's new chore list and design 8 new favors for my website.  Was unable to work in my office but was able to get things I needed from my office and work at the dining room table.  Was also able to fill out a couple of applications for school & our PTO and make an amazing pot roast dinner for my step-son and daughter-in-law and adorable grandsons!  Was also able to fold 5 loads of laundry and get it all put away...and not killing the hubbyman today!  Nash made it too!  I think he made it because he was at school this morning.

Also...had a date with hubbyman!  I love him!  But, I will be glad when he goes to work and I can get my life back.

That was my day off.  What is a day off to you????

Sunday....Sunday

Well.....

you know how it started out!

Eggies & Pancakes!  Our world would end without them!

Tried to have a long talk with Nash about his current behavior.

I know it's part phase and part mad at his Daddy for being hurt.

But...he is a shithead!  An adorable one...but one none the less!

Just look at that face....you can see it!

Mischief!

meandering...................

It's been a very long....many weeks!

Lots of highs and lows.

Lots of preparing for excitement....for just a let down.

Seems like I am getting a lot done with the idea of future fun and not getting it.

What I am getting...is tired!

Seems like I am in a hurry up and wait mode.

So...not sure how to get out of this cycle.  Not even sure I have any control over it either.

But, I do know...it sucks!

And just in case I haven't bitched enough.

What the HELL is this phase Nash is in??

I have become his mortal enemy.  He looks at me as if I should fall on the floor and die.  He is angry at me...and I don't know why.  If I say the sky is blue...he will argue that it is not...until he wins...or gets spanked.

Look at that adorable face!

I wish he would tell me what I have done...and why I am the target of his anger.

Again......

ok...I am off to bed.  Bitching is tiring!

Community Supported Agriculture...and me :)

I am not a health nut!
LOL
OMG!
No way!

But, I know I can do better with what I serve my family...and me!

I had been talking and thinking about utilizing a CSA...and searched them out.

Then forgot.

Then talked about it again.

This is where having a crippled hubby worked for a good thing............we talked about it.  He looked it up on the computer...right there and then!  Well...because since he got hurt...the computer is now a living room fixture.

So, I looked at it...chose a type of box...and woo hoo!  They take PayPal!

Today was my first delivery.

I was very excited!  And nervous too.  I am not an adventurous eater....and so neither are my kids.

I worried I might get something really weird that I just couldn't eat.

So, I pick up my box...and am excited!

What could be in there  :)

We pay $25 for what they call a mini - they describe it like........Bi-weekly deliveries through the fall/winter and spring (October through June)

The mini is designed with a single person in mind or couples that lead busy lives and are not always at home to cook every night. We have sized the mini to include a little of everything: vegetables, greens, fruits and roots. You can expect to receive at least half of the amount of a Basic and half the amount of the Fruit and Storage Option.

You can expect to eat a full range of seasonal vegetables, fruits and roots, from tomatoes to broccoli, bell peppers to artichokes; asian pears to oranges, kiwi to strawberries; onions to sweet potatoes and turnips to carrots.

I felt it was like Christmas....with all of the yummy stuff we had

There was carrots, artichokes, asparagus, chard, fancy greens, spinach, purple onions, sweet potatoes, potatoes, oranges, apples, pears & lemons.

Very excited!

Where have I been?

I really, really tried to blog while on vacation.  But, I was on my hubby's laptop......new laptop and he keeps everything so complicated...that I just didn't bother.

I did really want to have a fun relaxing vacation........but, it was not.  I did have fun with my kids tho.  Relaxing...was not on the list of events.

Hubby got hurt in Alcatraz....will be getting an MRI next Monday.  So, he got to rest and I got to run.

And I also got to take my daughter graduation dress shopping.

I LOVE TO SHOP!

Sophie is not a shopper. 

But, we did manage to find a dress that when she put it on...made me cry.  She was beautiful!

Since getting home...it has been non-stop madness.

T-Ball is in full swing.  Volleyball is halfway done.  Hubby can't drive.  I have 2 events that are back to back at school.  An e-Waste/Recycling fundraiser this Friday and next week...a Dinner Night Out @ McDonald's..

I feel like a chicken with its head cut off...running like crazy!

I am tired....and not seeing an end in sight.

I really need a Sister Wife  :)