Christmas, 2012

As much as I try to prepare myself for Christmas...sometimes it just gets here and I am not ready for it.  That was this year.

With all that is going on with family and our life.....when the hives hit yesterday I was really unaware why?  Lance's son and daughter-in-law came over with the grandkids for Christmas Eve lunch...it was nice but I was in tears before they showed up.  I tried to assess why...but couldn't.  Then the hives broke out...and I still wasn't hitting the nail on the head.  I took some allergy medicine that helped with the itchiness but it just made me tired and wanting to go to bed.

Then  last night I was overwhelmed with my lack of preparedness for Santa...a huge unbuilt present that threw me for a loop and a hubby getting his ass chewed out about it.  And since he really isn't a fan of the Santa part of Christmas...I am!  So, it didn't both him...and it did me!  Can you tell that Nash's idiosyncrasies don't fall far from the Momma tree  :)  I was a mess last night....and since Christmas is so hard on me....I am overly prepared so when something like this happens...Lord, help us all!

This morning once again I was covered in hives and did NOT want to get out of bed!  But, I had no choice!  I did what I was supposed to do but, my heart was not in it.  We opened presents and everyone got what they wanted.  Afterwards I sat on the floor and put together 2 racetracks, a foos ball table, and air hockey table and was devastated that I was out of batteries!  This is SO NOT LIKE ME!  So, I took a shower and decided to head out to Safeway and get the batteries. 

While out...I passed by Jack in the Box.  The tears flooded.  I looked at the clock...it was the time.  Then I knew...I was NOT prepared for today.  Today was Nicholas' birthday...the moment he came into the world.  He would have been 15 today.  I remember that horrible day.  All of the memories came flooding back.....baby, death, Santa, white rose, horrible sadness, devastation, horror and blame from family that I lost my son.  So much is a blur of pain, utter sadness, letting so many people down and ruining Christmas for everyone.  In the end...being released from the hospital because there was nothing they could do for me....and having Christmas dinner at Jack in the Box.

I didn't want a funeral...I just wanted it to disappear.  I immediately donated his body to science so that his death could help someone else NOT suffer.

You can never get past the death of a child.  I was told may times afterwards that it must have been meant to be.  Having a dead child on Christmas should never have been meant to be...ever.  I have moved on but I am not past it.  I never will be.  There will always be a hole in my heart.  And now....I am the only one left that was there...that remembers how horrible that day was.

I was a mess for the rest of the day.  Overdrugged so that I could STOP itching and drugged in other ways so that I could not feel.  I sat in my jammies and numbed out to a book...and hid in the story.  Everyone knows why...but no one talks.  What can they say?  They don't know.

Christmas is my favorite holiday....but it is also the worst day of my life.  I hope one day, I can look at this day with fondness and not pain.  I try so hard every year to make it great!  To make it NOT a day of sadness.  Sometimes I can forget and enjoy the day but then I feel guilty afterwards but not as bad as like today...where I am just SAD and miserable.

I finally pulled Lance aside and said...today is my son's birthday.  Nicholas would have been 15.  I miss him.  I miss David.  I miss Ginny.  I want Sophie's nose to go back to the nondescript nose she was born with and not this Italian nose that makes me think about her daddy and Ginny....and Nicholas.  I don't like today.  I am sad!   I want this day to stop.  Make it stop!!!!!!!

Today was not Christmas for me.  Today was the day that I missed Christmas 15 years ago and got nothing but grief and sadness.  Today I embarrassed my family and ruined their Christmas.  And the only one that remembers it is me.

This was a shitty Christmas.

our new normal

It's been a while since I have posted.

Life has been changing on me....and I am NOT a fan of change!

1. But, I made the decision to close my business and go to work for someone else.  I am so excited by this decision!  It will make life much easier on me and my family.
2. My Hubby is retiring!  I still can't believe he is...but he is!.  He deserves to have another life and not have to deal with the craziness that working in the prison system has become.
3. Nash and his idiosyncrasy's have finally become something that needs immediate attention.  The day we went from Summer to raining & cold weather, my little man went from a little weird to wow....we need to see a therapist and get a diagnosis!  NOW!  And it was just like that.
4. Sophie is really having a hard time with our new found chaos in the house and that is breaking my heart!
5. And all of this...ok...just the kid thing is ringing me back to my childhood and the craziness it was.

I have new fans....my Mom and the rest of my family.  They have been creeping around and reading my blog....so, I welcome them.  We don't speak but I give up holding a grudge...they are who they are and have to function in their world and I have to function in mine.  And may the 2 paths never, ever cross.  There is a reason that we don't speak and I am not going to rehash is over and over.  The relationship is gone.

So, the past month has been a living Hell with the new reality that Nash has brought.  He has severe anxiety, OCD and possibly a spectrum disorder.  We are going thru the testing and diagnosis part now.  In our house just coping has been more than difficult.

So, if you have an extra prayer...please say one for us...this is going to be a long road to travel until we can get Nash stable and learn how to deal with him.

Now that life has some stability because of my new job...I am hoping to blog more. 

Thanks for hanging in there!

Questions?????

kids growing up

Today....in our world things are changing.

Hubby is retiring from his job at the end of the year.  Nash is in 1st grade and dealing with severe anxiety and Sophie is a Sophomore and getting ready to turn 15 years old!  She too has some anxiety issues and also like me...suffers from clinical depression.

And I....I am trying to figure it all out.  Learning to be a bus driver for school because we need to extra income.  Doing some direct sale companies to again...bring in some extra income.

I was always lucky enough to just be a stay at home Mommy.  I had started a business to give me something to do and be.  It never made a great deal of money but I loved it.  It gave me something to be proud of.  But, now...Errand Girl is dying and I am evolving her into an umbrella company for the direct sale companies.  I am going to miss Errand Girl.

And this trying to figure out how to really do it all....is scary....especially when one of my kids is having problems.

Grrr....parenthood...actually Mommyhood is not for the weak!

when your kids are like you

I have not written for a while.  Mom was reading my blog and really if she is not going to have a relationship with me she should not read my blog!

So, I have let it be for a while.

Life has been going on and things are always busy.

Deb was in town...my Mom surrogate.  Oh, the short time I had with her was awesome and I cried when she left!

THis week has been a week of changes...with a lot of seeing things more clearly.

When the weather changes...it creates a havoc in Nash's life like nothing else.  Every clothing change season is hard but this season was our toughest for him.  And it took me back to me....at his age.

I have always said there was something....something slight...wrong with my boy.  I could never put my finger to it.  I had hunches but never a solid...."oh, that's it!"  This week, instead of getting better with age....he is now getting worse.  Worse about change.  Worse....about everything!

This week...watching him.....it took me back to me.  Me at his age.

Mom always said I was an awful kid,  Needy, clingy, terrified of everything, a Momma's girl.  She always told me I was horrible to raise and she never, ever wanted to have another girl because of how awful I was.  Even tho my brothers were criminals and drug addicts that stole from their own families....I was the worst one.

So, this week....I really saw Nash and his fears for the first time.....because I became MY MOM!  I became frustrated by Nash and felt that life sucking cling that I did to my Mom.  That's when I knew....for a solid fact...we needed help! 

I love my Nash so very much but I don't want to hate him like my Mom always hated me.  I would never want my child to ever feel like I did.

So, we are addressing his anxiety.  I spoke to our therapist yesterday and she will start treating him and help him cope and find tools to deal with his anxiety.  Because I know from my childhood....screaming and yelling at him will only make him worse.  Calling him names and making fun of him won't make this better.

I am choosing to love him through it.  Hold his hand and give him tools that he can use to cope with his anxiety.  I will never throw him in the middle of extreme chaos and turn my back on him.

How do YOU know what to do as a parent?

Today....was a bad day for my parenting skills.

Sophie ditched a class...zero period. I have been watching her try to get away with it for days. So, Sunday night when she told me....there was no zero period today. All I could think was...here we go.
I decided I would let her hang herself.

That was hard.

I let Hubby go to work and told him...I would not drive her, she could ride the bus. She panicked and confessed about 1/2 hour before she needed to leave for school to NOT miss zero period. She has a lame excuse. I stick to my guns.

Drama....drama.

I hear from her that she is a good girl and good girls don't serve detention for unexcused absences. But, good girls make mistakes. The screams...the crying.

I told her I would have to think about it....but, more than likely...she is serving a detention and facing the consequences for her actions.

I struggled with the decision.

Growing up I never had a curfew. I had to hire babysitters so that I could go out because Mom was never around. The only time she gave a crap about when I didn't go to school was because the school was giving her a bad time not because she gave a crap. She just wanted to be left alone with what she was doing.

Grades were never cared about...except when they could be used to hurt someone else. As long as I stayed out of her way, gave her the life she needed, took care of her son...I was free. This is when she was single.

When she was married to the molester...going to school and grades were cared about. I had to be available to him at school...so he could swoop in and pick me up for a little afternoon delight and grades...because for some reason he really wanted me to work at Winchell's Donuts...graveyard shift. I am sure it had to do with my time that would be available for him.

I was a good kid...who saw way too much growing up. I knew hookers by name. I had a friend die at a party when I was 14. I. was a good girl. But, I did bad things to get away from bad parents. A Mom that could care less and step-Dad's who was my boyfriend.

Mom would ask about what Step-Dad did with me...she knew and could care less. I did what I did because Mom and my brother were threatened if I did not comply.

So, parenting a 15 year old good girl...was like starting to read War & Peace on chapter 34. I know nothing.

Today, I spend the day searching for the answer on what to do. Knowing that whatever decision I made would be judged because....they always are. II spent the beginning of Sophie's life being told what a terrible mother I was by my family. I finally found the courage to cut them from my life.

So, as a parent....I get a problem and have to solve it. Like with any problem...you have a reference point. I start at chapter 34. Then I start backwards...trying to make heads of tails long the way. Sometimes I feel like I speak French in a land where they only speak numbers.

I spent the day researching parenting advise online. I texted my therapist but she must have been busy. I spoke to several teachers today...asking their advise. I HATE being in situation where I know....I am lost and stupid. I have no skills at being a Mom yet...I am a Mom every day! I don't have someone that will just step in and do it for me. I don't have anyone to ask...hey, what should I do? How do I handle a ditched class? Is natural consequences enough for the 1st offense? What is the right decision?

Damn...today....hell, the last several weeks have sucked!

random things that pop in my head

• 5 days until scrapbook retreat
• the back of my tongue has hurt for 2 days....and I feel like crap
• started packing for retreat today
• had to go to WalMart to buy a new tote/bin for packing in
• during the summer it got used as a small pool
• I can see my desk....the actual wood looking part!
• it's been months since I have seen it
• I got 2 new pair of glasses this past week
• 1 for seeing
• 1 for reading
• bifocals suck when you read & do the computer all the time
• I am so ready for Summer to end...I hate the heat
• since I don't feel good I put on my ugly flannels night gown
• now I am hot!
• and not in a good way!
• got Sophie's STAR test in the mail today
• super advanced in English
• Geometry....think she missed a key lesson...just basic
• I was lucky to pass Geometry with a D+
• looking for a tutor to help her figure out what key lesson she missed
• she is stressing about it
• I wish she was not a perfectionist like me
• if she didn't want to go into medicine...I would say screw it
• I so wish she was not an overacheiver!
• she is WAY too much like me!
• makes me miss David
• he would have been such a good influence on her
• 14 1/2 years he has been gone
• how can you miss someone so long that you have missed longer than you have known them
• same can be said about Ginny
• I hope they are watching over us
• I made a promise to myself and my therapist
• October is dealing with shit month!

Challenge Day

So, this past 2 weeks have been extremely busy!  

1. Getting kids back to school and on a school schedule.
2. Getting our PTO ready for the year, as President...this is a very big job!
3. Giving 2 Back to School speeches to parents of our school...getting them excited to participate.
4. Compiling our list of school volunteers...and doing it backwards so it made the job harder.
5. Making sure all board members know their jobs and are comfortable in their job.
6. Greeting new parents and old parents making sure they know I am approachable and want their help.
7. Starting up 2 new direct sale companies...hoping to make some money.
8. Dealing with school pictures, school yearbook ordering while it is cheaper...and scheduling to work one of them for the elementary school and getting to work with a cool parent!
9. Helping a new principal to get settled into our school.  He is awesome!
10. and I know there is more....but today....I am going to talk about our school's Challenge Day!

Do you know about Challenge Day?  Our school has participated in Challenge Day for the past several years.  I have wanted to participate in it but never was able to.  Either because my son was too younger and it was too long for him to be at a babysitters.  Or my daughter was doing the program and I was not a good person to be there with her.  So, this year...it all worked so I could go and volunteer!

Challenge Day says this on their website -

our vision

Our vision is that every child lives in a world where they feel safe, loved and celebrated.

our mission

The Challenge Day mission is to provide youth and their communities with experiential programs that demonstrate the possibility of love and connection through the celebration of diversity, truth, and full expression.

Being involved with Challenge Day was amazing!  We had 100 students at our school...8th graders and some 7th graders and 26 adult volunteers go thru this program.

If you ever get an opportunity to participate...please do. 

It makes you not feel so alone.  You see that others are going thru their own troubles...just like you.  It makes you think about what is important and what is NOT.  If you have made some positive changes in your life...it validates them.

In one day...less than 6 hours...I danced, cheered, screamed, laughed, cried, shouted, gave love, gave a million hugs, held people, connected with other adults and children, became a better person.

At the end of the session..we were asked to write a letter to someone that we wanted to talk to.  I wrote a letter to my Mom.  My Mom is not dead.  My Mom lives about 1 mile from me...really!  But, I have not spoken to her in 3 years because she choose to believe her husband over me.  I chose my children's safety over her.  We don't speak.

But, I miss my Mom.  She was not a good Mom.  She was not the worst Mom either.  She was just a Mom that made choices that were not good for me and my life and my children's lives.  She did not have a good childhood either and did the best she could....she told me that my whole life!  But, even as an adult...she still chose to make choices that were dangerous to my soul and to deny things that were obvious and pretend that I was crazy.

I wrote this letter to her during Challenge Day.

I will forever be changed by Challenge Day!

back to school....thank you JESUS!

Today was back to school for both of my kids.

Sophie is now a Sophomore and Nash is a 1st grader!

This has been a VERY long summer!  I was more than ready to get them out the door and off to school.

Both were very nervous about the 1st day.  Sophie was afraid she would not have any friends and Nash just didn't want to deal with people.

Sophie started the day badly because she almost missed her bus because she wasn't paying attention to the time...and the bus passed our house.  She went running down the street with binders, purse and in heels.  She is not a graceful child so...I was VERY concerned.  I grabbed my keys, Nash and I hoped in the car....got HER in the van and speed to the bus stop...in time!

Nash was different.  We had to leave an hour before school started just to get a parking spot in the parking lot!  I have been at this school for 10 years....I know how it works  :)  We go to Starbucks, grab a coffee and a snack and wait in the parking lot.  Nash did NOT want to leave the car and just wanted to go home.  So, I set a timer...because they always work.

We walked to his class and said hi to Ms Kitchen and checked out his new desk.  I filled out paperwork and he proceeded to get MORE nervous.  We went to the playground but they sent us back to class...so, that was it.  He colored and told me many times how much he loved his desk!

And...as you know....kids don't get homework on the 1st day....Moms do!  I spent 1 1/2 hours going thru papers, writing checks, plugging in dates on my calendar and signing my life away....to 2 schools!

But...I am glad school is back in session!  May it last forever!

another ride on the crazy train

Today was going to be a good day...I got to sleep in...on a Saturday.

But, as much as I tried...there was a lot of emotion...step-family stuff.  So, decided to be better than the yuck and move on.  I invited my Hubby out to a late lunch and a movie.  Our typical date night (afternoon).  Went to our favorite restaurant and saw the movie...Hope Springs.  It was great!

Then came home to kids.

I hate when a simple incident becomes a flashback to my childhood.  And when its my childhood...it's rarely a happy moment.

When I was getting Nash ready for bed he tattled on his sister.  So typical.  And since Sophie has been doing some really stupid things lately.....I am guessing it because of hormones and brain sludge from Summer.....so, I asked her about what Nash had said.

I could tell...she was not telling me the truth.  And it was NOT a big deal but....I was raised with lies and have raised my children with truth.  So, I asked her again and asked Nash again.  Really???  Now, I am getting crazed because what had be accused was stupid and didn't really matter but, don't lie!

And before I knew it...the past was staring me in the face!  I had to stand my children side by side and ask them to tell me the truth.

As a child, I had 2 brothers...1 Rick was 1 year younger and the other, Ryan, was 6 years younger.  Mom was never home and if anything ever happened, she handed the punishment over to our step-Dad, Marv.

He would line us up and ask us a question.  Rick...always lied!  We could never tell on someone else, they had to confess.  And if he went thru the line up and no one confessed.....the beatings commenced.  We were told to go to our rooms and think about what we are doing to him, to Mom and to ourselves.  I always got beat first because I was the oldest and should have known better.

This is what Sammy looked like.

He would come into my room.  He would be dragging a leather belt.  He would look at me and ask the question....and if I did NOT confess...he would take his belt and double it and hold it in his right hand.  He would hold out his left hand and I would have to place my right hand in his left hand.  And he would start beating.  By holding my right hand and beating me with his right...it caused me to run....away.  He loved that.  Because then our family dog, Sammy, that only loved him.....would be able to chase our feet and bite our toes...while we ran in circles!

As soon as the begging started to get really good and we were falling...he would stop and go to the next person.  Rick, no matter how guilty he was...he never confessed!  So, the beating would happen to him.....and then Ryan.  Ryan would always tell on Rick...which made Marv madder.  And then he would come back to me.  This would go on until someone confessed on their own or Marv got tired.

One time, it kept going on and on over the opening of a Pepsi bottle.  I know...sounds stupid but someone popped the top on a 2 quart bottle of Pepsi and no one confessed!  No one!  So, when he got tired of betting us...he grounded us.  We were grounded for over 3 months.  We could only go out of our rooms for school and meals.  At least my brothers had company since they shared a room.

I finally made it stop when I ran away.

Marv would line us up on occasion, ask us who did it?  And beat us.  Then back to our rooms.  While I was confined to my room...I was also getting molested on a more frequent basis because now...I was really isolated.  So, I had had it.  I was 13 years old and was done!  I ran out the front door...slamming it so hard because I really didn't know where to go.  I just wanted it to stop.  No one came out.  No one heard...except my brothers....and they couldn't tell because....well....they couldn't.

I went to my friend, Joann's house.  Her Mom was an alcoholic cocktail waitress that worked graveyard shift at one of the casinos.  So she was either always drunk, passed out or.....working.  So, I hung out there for several hours.  And then Marv showed up with my Mom...who always claimed she knew nothing!  Demanding that I come home because I am breaking rank and his rules.

And since Joann lived in an apartment, and Marv was loud and Mom was screaming that I had to come home....Joann's Mom woke up and threatened to call the police.  So, I didn't want to get Joann in trouble.  I got in the car with Mom and went back to my prison.  When we got home...I told Mom about the molestations, about that I was going to tell the world what was going on.  She promised it would stop.

You know it did not stop.

It was never spoken about again.  We did get off grounding.  But there still were beating just like before.  And the molesting...now more underground but it really didn't need to be because Mom was never home.  She was out sleeping around with everyone else BUT Marv.  Nope...she gave him me.

Tonight, during the inquisition.  I was a mess.  As soon as Sophie figured out I was boarding the crazy train...she revealed what happened.  I did everything I could to maintain a normal stance...but I crumbled very fast.  I apologized, grabbed some anxiety pills and went to the porch to have a panic attack.  I hate those things!

I hate my children having to see their Mother buy the ticket on the crazy train.  I am used to Sophie knowing.  But, now Nash knows.  It's shameful, it's humiliating, it's humbling, it's my reality.

My chest still hurts, my head hurts from the pounding headache.  I wish that I had never been born.  I wish that my Mom never had us kids.  She was unfit.  And yet here I am...dragging my precious children onto the crazy train with me.  I am so, so sorry to my kids.

The crazy train sucks!  I wish the crazy train did not know where my stop is.

The past, bleeds into the present....and as much as you don't want to hurt your children...you do, because you have that ticket...the ticket no one wants...to the crazy train!

Get out....go to school! Please!

The kids go back to school on August 22nd!

As you know...that is a MAJOR HOLIDAY for parents!

I am practicing my Happy Dance...not that I need the practice.  I have been doing it in my head for weeks now!

Sadly, the last 2 days....I am just done with the kids being home.  They are bored.  It's NASTY hot outside and Nash is getting prickly heat all over his body.  And...honestly....I am sick of their faces!  I would love 5 minutes to myself!  I went into the bathroom the other day...just to "have a moment".  Then I see the boys feet!  I scream....OMG!  GO AWAY!  And now...the girl is joining in.  Really???  You are almost 15 years old!  Do you have to watch me sit on the toilet???

Yesterday...I relished the hours I spent at school copying the Back to School letter to parents from our PTO  I sat in the Teacher's Lounge and enjoyed the conversations with other adults.  Altho they are teachers and are not as happy as I am about school starting.

So, officially....tomorrow it will be a week!  ONE WEEK!

So, Lord...protect my babies....'cuz I do love them more than life itself!  But, I have a shipment of stun guns and pepper spray for my new direct sell company arriving in days and I would hate to have to practice on them  :)
 

teenage girl sleepovers!

Tonight...there is a sleepover going on in my house.

They are watching scary movies.  So, lots of screaming!  And lots of talking...LOUD talking!

I didn't do a lot of sleepovers but my daughter Sophie does.

I think it's a joke that they are called sleepovers.

They do NOT sleep at night! 

Maybe they should be called "Keep your parents awake all night...so that you can sleep the next morning when they go to work" party.

I have gotten a lot of work done...since I can't sleep.

But, sleep would be nice!

have you done direct sales yet???

I did an event tonight as Errand Girl and Party Favors by EG at Ironstone Vineyards in Murphy's, CA.  It was called a "Girls Night Out"...I had a blast!  Lots of direct sale vendors and a few local artists.  I got to meet a ton of nice women!

And...I do love to talk!

Anyway...I have been thinking about doing a direct sale company.  But, nothing has really spoken to me. My hubby signed me up to win a free spa....and I bought BeautyControl.  Not intentionally to sell. 

I have looked at Grace Adele purses....I buy my purses at Target...the same style for years.  Altho...their purses are GORGEOUS!  And I would really like to do Jamberry, the vinyl nail shields.  I had full intention of buying into that company...TONIGHT!  But, she was not there!

In the caves of Ironstone Vineyards

I sat next to lady by the name of Rae Davis, selling Damsel in Defense.  Wow!  Cool company, I think I could work it with my own business because it is a woman product that is right for the times.  And who wouldn't love a pink stun gun????

So, thinking about....what would I do best at.

I have even thought...the last time I saw this company...of hosting a party at school!  It would be great!

Think I made my decision!

driving lessons

My baby drove a car today.

OK, I let her sit behind the wheel, with it in park and take her foot off the brake...a lot!  She did circles and figure 8's in the parking lot.  And when she couldn't go forward I let her put it in reverse and go backwards.

She was so excited!

I wanted her first experience to be something she will never forget!  Something she can look at with great joy...........not wondering WTF?

I don't remember much of my first experience except it was awful.  My step-Dad took me out and made me sit in the driver's seat of the car.  He told me to start it.  I had no idea how?  He told me to put my foot on the brake and start the car.  When I asked which one was the brake...he was horrified.  He was calm but I was clueless.

I was never taught anything...just expected to know.  How to drive, how to cook, how to do everything.

But, my step-Dad was a good teacher once he got that I had no clue.  He taught me how to drive at over 100 miles an hour...because he said that I would so I should learn HOW to do it.  I learned to go super fast and slam on the brakes and spin out.  He was a new car lot manager in Las Vegas.  He always had some kind of new car that he drove off the lot.  I got to drive a 1979 Corvette...FAST! 

Other things happened other than driving but that was a part of my life at the time.  Still not sure what was worse...driving knowing that eventually, I would be putting out or driving with my Mom in car screaming to the top of her lungs how awful I was.

And when I finally got my license...exactly on the 16th birthday, God...I was horrible!  But, I never killed anyone.  I dented a lot of other cars!  LOL  And I did kinda hit someone.  But, I was told by the officer that it was the guys fault.  Pedestrians do not have the right of way in Las Vegas.  So, when I went to make a right turn and he was in the crossing walk...he should have been paying attention.  Not flailing onto my hood  :)

she does not look ready to be driving!  She can't even stay off the floor!

As a parent...I am not ready for my baby to be driving.  Being out there where I can't protect her.  Nope...not ready at all!

VERY Busy Mom's 1st contest!

OK....I am giving away a $25 cash card from www.rafflecopter.com

a Rafflecopter giveaway


So, have some fun and enter!

Hunger Games...OMG!

I finally finished reading all of the Hunger Games books.

Sophie started reading them 2 years ago when my step-daughter Liz gave them to her when we visited in the Summer of 2010.  I knew Sophie loved them immediately because she could NOT stop talking about them!  I didn't start reading them until I saw the movie.

I devoured the first book, Hunger Games, in days!

But, as a busy Mom...I do NOT have time for relaxing reading.  So, I had to wait a while before I could read Catching Fire.  And Sophie was constantly.....READ MOCKINGJAY!

So, it's been a busy Summer here at VERY Busy Mom.  So, when I finished the Humane Society's BBQ last Saturday night...I promised myself a break and to read the final book.

So, last night I was at 84% on my Kindle.  I knew I had a busy morning so I scheduled time this afternoon to finish the book.

Sophie was bugging me with...are you done yet??

As a Mom who has been thru a lot!  It spoke to me differently than it did my 14 year old daughter. I have seen bad things, lived bad things....know bad things happen everyday.

When I was done...I felt empty.  Pissed!  But...sad.

It reminded me of life...the life of those that are taken advantage of for the pleasure of others.  I cried for Katniss, for Peeta, for her Mom, for Haymitch, for Finnick, for Prim, for all of the people that got fucked over in the book...which was everyone in every district and the Capital.

This...I tried to explain to my darling daughter...is how life can be.

There are those that will go along with whatever someone tells them.  And then there are those that see the bullshit.  But sometimes....you try to believe the bullshit to survive.  And one day...you see the bullshit for what it is.  And say no.  NO....you can't tell me anymore that the sky is purple.  I know the sky is blue!  I know what I know!  Your bullshit is not working anymore.

If you have not read the Hunger Games....you must!  I know I was one of the last to read them...but....I loved them!

2012 Summer Olympics in London...are you watching?

I am watching as much as I can.

The Opening ceremony was amazing!  I was glued to my seat the entire time it was so beautiful and majestic!  I can't imagine what it took to bring all of that together and make it look so easy!

And having the Queen jump out of a plane...with James Bond.  Wow!



I watched the bicycle racing with my son yesterday morning...he was transfixed.  And watched teh women's diving team take Silver.  wow!  And women's skeet shooting...Gold!  Hoot!

I am not an athlete....by any means!  LOL  But, I do love to watch the Olympics and cheer all of the athletes on! 

Even those not from America!  Because...just to get there...was a huge undertaking!

What is your favorite one to watch??

taking kids to the dentist....YUCK!

I hate the dentist! 

I have had a fear of the dentist since I was young.  I was born with terrible teeth...terrible!  I had 8 root canals before I was 12 years old.  And that was back then....when a dinosaur held you down and used his claws to do all of the work.  Ok...yes, I exaggerate but, I was traumatized!

I also was in a horrible accident that broke the front of my face.  I went thru several surgeries that reconstructed the left side of my mouth and face....from the inside.  I did it all without going under because I was poor and the insurance only went to so far.

So, I hate dentists!

But, I am also a Mom!  And I have to take my kids to the dentist.  Sophie is not so bad...since she has perfect teeth!

But...my son.  Nash got his Mom's terrible teeth....and anxiety!

Yesterday....was teeth cleaning day.  Now, you should know.....Nash has a severe gag reflex.  SEVERE!  So, putting anything in his mouth can and will cause vomiting.  We have gone thru 2 dental hygienists.  But, yesterday...we got #3.  Trying to take the x-rays are hard!  I always try to stay away to give them and Nash a clean slate to work from.  I sit far away playing games on my iPhone to stay calm.

It never lasts.

Our hygienist was having a hard time....putting in the bite part and snapping the picture.  I was pushing the button for a time so that she could do it manually.  Finally....she was able to take the pictures...and get it done.

Then comes the teeth cleaning.  Better than ever before...but NOT good!

Here comes the dentist...saying his tooth brushing skills are not great.  I tell him that my Hubby and do our best to brush the boys teeth....but its a nightmare of epic proportions and we would much rather take a poker in the eye!  And that there have been nights that I have offered my Hubby $1000 to just brush the teeth!

They laugh...but this is true!

Then the dentist announced that Nash has 4 molars and they need to be sealed. 

I start making a deals with Nash...I will buy you whatever you want...just don't puke!  Please!

We get back the private room, where they prep him for gas.  I am thinking this is cool...make him loopy...that will work!  They set him up with a movie in the ceiling and headphones.....not so bad.  So, they put on the gas mask! No gas yet....just bubble gum flavored air.

It stays on too long and Nash gets nervous.  He begs to have the mask off........and they concede!

So, it took 3 of us to get the sealant on and hold him down!  2 hours later....we are done!

OMG!  The boy walked away with a gift bag, a pink balloon and a promise of a present at WaMart for all of this!

Another reason to hate the dentist!

High Speed Rail vendor.....part 2

So, today I drove down the hill to the Modesto DoubleTree by Hilton for the meeting of all interested contractors who are considered (the initials don't make sense unless you have them so...) disadvantaged (women, of color, handicapped or veterans...if I missed something, don;t kill me) and would like to be a part of the High Speed Rail Part 1 as a contractor.

I got there, sign up on a paper sign in and then on a computer.  There were probably over 125 people there....not including those that were talking.  The 3 prime contractors that were represented were Dragados, Samsung and Pulice.  But, there was also the Small Business Administration, several insurance companies that specialize in these types of bids, bonding agencies, the State and Federal government to explain the BS.  They gave their shpeel about how we are needed for their bidding.  The state has required that they utilize 30% of the monies spent on this project to go to small business, disadvantaged business, veteran business and micro-business.  30% is HUGE  Normally, these kinds of ids only require a measly 4% to 15%.  So, they are actively looking for people like me.

The room was packed with so many people interested.  Mostly....builders!  Those doing concrete, building,...you know...macho kind of jobs.  Not necessarily Errand Girl kind of jobs.  So, I listened intently and wrote frantically!  I have been around contractors before and know my way around bullshit!  So, I started making a plan for the room!  And started practicing MY line of smoothery  :)  And then....I put my business cards in my hand....and started talking!

I figured...start at the top!  I went directly to the 3 big contractors!  Introduced myself.....smiled and flirted!  The guy from Samsung was a doll!  I told him I was trying to figure out my place in this room and what I could do.  We talked and laughed...he looked over my card and asked some questions......then looked at me and said...we need YOU to pull this all together!  He said...you remind me of my wife....kicking butts and taking names!  I said...well, yes sir...that is what I do!  He said I really need someone like you for my courier, setting up events and helping to smooth out the ruffled feathers!  YES!  He did not put my card in his hand with all of the other cards he already had....he put my card in his breast pocket!  HOT DAMN!

So now....I am feeling pretty good!  I proceed to the other contractors and make an impressions.  Both of them encourage me to add certain words to my application that will go into the database.  SCORE!

I talk to all of the people who are here to make doing this work easier.  I shake hands, I talk about Errand Girl...even talk about my blog!  I tell them about my new Virtual Errand Girl services, I tell a couple of people about my sperm delivery services and teaching the divorced man how to do laundry and buy groceries.  I got lots of laughs!  They seem to love me...and give me more advise!  I am told to add "this" word and "that" word to my application on their database!

I walk around to each table, each person...shake hands, give them a card and tell them what I do!  And also tell them there is nothing I CAN'T do! 

I gave away every business card I took with me.  Every pamphlet......and blog card!  And came home with a stack of information!

So, this is a multi-billion dollar project that will span over 4 years!  I feel assured that I am going to get a piece of it.

Way to go Errand Girl!  I am excited!

High Speed Rail.....vendor????

 

A couple of years back I fell into a client...the state of California.  I jumped thru hoops and was classified as a woman owned business, small and disadvantaged.  I know...that sounds hideous but it's only words.

So, since California is now starting to build its new high speed rail...I am being talked to...alot!  I have been questioning their interested of my business.  I am a small business that provides many services....

• Event andWedding Planner
• Handling all of your errands and chores so YOU have more time
• Pick up and Delivery Services
• Professional Organizer
• Wedding and Life Coaching
• Social Media Promotion
• Blog Writer
• Virtual Assistant
• Life Skill Educator

and not one of these services is hauling concrete, laying asphalt or any of the number of things that this  rail system will need.


So, after much dragging of my feet....and the constant barrage of emails from all 5 primes on the job...I am meeting with them tomorrow.  This is what I could possibly do

NAICS Codes - Do you know what this is????  North American Industry Classification System

519130 - Internet Publishing and Broadcasting and Web Search Portals
519190 - All Other Information Services
541430 - Graphic Design Services
541519 - Other Computer Related Services
541612 - Human Resources Consulting Services
541613 - Marketing Consulting Services
541840 - Media Representatives


Of the over 100,000 job codes...this is possibly what I can do.


So, I have been emailing all of the Primes on this job and they all want to meet me.  So, tomorrow...I will meet 3 of them.  Should be interesting.  

I have not dealt with any type of construction workers/contractors since I was the Administration Assistant for the National Electrical Contractors Association and doing Safety trainings on job sites.

So, wish me luck on....whatever path I am going on  :)  Tomorrow should be interesting!

Making choices....how to do it and still be who we are

I have had to make some severe life choices in the past many years.  They have NOT been easy to make.  But, they made me a better person for making them.  I try to not make choices without thinking them all the way through...especially the REALLY BIG ONES!  The more I am choices that are for me....the easier they are for ME to make.

One again, I am reposting an article from www.purposefairy.com  Yep....I love them!


I believe the choice to be excellent begins with aligning your thoughts and words with the intention to require more from yourself. ~ Oprah Winfrey
 
Making choices is probably the most stressful thing that we do as humans. Or perhaps more accurately, the stressful thing we do is to choose avoidance when we don’t like what choices we’re facing. This is what creates the stress.

It doesn’t have to be that way though, especially if you don’t make yourself solely responsible for the outcome of all the things that you don’t like about your life. Basically we work like this: When we don’t like the result of our choices, we blame ourselves and lose confidence in our ability to make choices in the first place.

None of us can predict the outcome of every choice we make – including how others will or won’t respond to the things we choose for ourselves. And to think that we can, need to, or should is the enemy that so often prevents the feeling of living with purpose.

What we can do, however, when we are fearful about making a choice, is turn towards it, rather than away from it. Get uncomfortable for all of five minutes (that’s literally the length of time of actual discomfort at most), and make a decision in your mind to see how it feels before you act on it. You can learn to do this in just a few moments with practice.

To help you, here are seven strategies for not only making choices, but creating choices that you did know you had:

1. When faced with a choice that you don’t like or want to make, first ask yourself: “In this situation, what choice makes me more of who I want to be in this world?” Your choices are a reflection of what you value most in this world whether that’s love, kindness, integrity, courage, or something else.
2. Reflect on the choice you want to make and then ask yourself: “How will I feel about this choice in 10 minutes? 10 days? 10 months? 10 years?” Your mind can imagine future feelings that will help you to make big decisions like which job to take, what school to attend, or who to marry, etc.
3. Ask yourself a more beautiful question than: “What should I do?” – I guarantee that the answer is never good when the word “should” appears.
Substitute with: What’s the courageous thing to do? What is the loving thing to do? What is the life-serving thing to do? Or make up your own more beautiful question!
4. When in doubt, ask for some space and time before you answer. A few minutes. An hour. A day. A week. No one expects you to answer right away (except you). This way you can still your mind and feel into the right choice for you.
5. Find a “private ear” – someone that will mirror back what you really want for yourself. There’s always a part of you speaking your truth amongst the jumble of other stuff you’re saying. Well-meaning, highly invested people are well-meaning, highly invested listeners.
6. Always give yourself permission to choose again. And again. And again. Practice making choices! If you choose and it doesn’t go well, no need to be stubborn and think “I promised.” No one really benefits when you do something that you don’t want to because it shows and builds resentment.
7. It’s okay to re-open a decision with: “I thought this was what I wanted, but now that I have more insight/information/awareness of how I’m really feeling, I’ve decided …” You will like yourself better for doing this plus you build genuine relationships this way – the kind that you actually want in your life.
The goal: To feel more at home in the world. Of course!

This article was written by Sabrina Ali. Sabrina is a Career Counselor and the author of the Bliss Kit: a digital guide to authentic career creation.

Fancygloves.com new advertiser!

Welcome everyone fancygloves.com  My newest advertiser!

Not only does she carry the greatest gloves....for any occasion...but, she is one of my bestest friends in the whole wide world!

So, for your next event where you need the cutest gloves...now you know where to go!

Tell her you are coming from the VERY busy Mom blog and get free standard shipping! Woo hoo!

I am a Virtual Assistant. What is it?

What is a virtual assistant?

I have been doing work as a Virtual Assistant for over 3 years, but I never advertised myself as one…I called myself a Girl Friday  (that’s what extra help was called a million years ago) or just Errand Girl.  I am someone you could have come in, a couple of hours or a few weeks…whenever you needed extra help in your business.  Now, that extra help can be provided without someone coming into your office or home.  That extra help can come to you…virtually!

So, how is that possible??  

The virtual portion means I work using technology to complete your assignments; I don’t physically come into your office and work from a desk there. I work from my office which is located in my home.

How I work –

•  I can remotely connect to your office computer to complete your assignments. 
• I can maintain your newsletter via numerous webmail programs and the same with various shopping carts available.
• I can provide maintenance & updates your website or blog.
• I can type your letters, emails; design your brochures, press releases. 
• I can make your follow up phone calls; send your emails, schedule appointments, book speaking engagements, plan a trip or vacation. 
• I can maintain and update your social networking sites like Twitter, Facebook, LinkedIn and many others.

And I complete all of these tasks using the Internet. I have a very high speed internet connection…so, just tell me what you would like me to do and I can do it!

Does virtual assistant cost more than an employee??

Yes and no. I would cost more than a regular employee.  But, I would only work when you wanted a job done.  When you hire me as your Virtual Assistant…you get a professional assistant that is dedicated to you 100%.  I complete your tasks faster, with accuracy and professionalism.  And when you don't need me...I am gone  :)

So, how can you save me money???

I don't use your office space or equipment.  And since I am not an employee.....you don't pay payroll taxes or worker's compensation, vacations, sick pay or holidays!

Are you are looking for someone who can...

Type programs

Create newsletters

Scan business cards

Data Entry

Direct Mailings

Online Customer Service (emails, chat, social media)

Offline Customer Service (inbound/outbound phones)

Article/Guest Posting Submissions

Research

Blog Assistant

Social Media Manager

Ezine Creation

Transcription

Content Writing

Proofreading

Podcast Editing and Submission

Website/Blog Design

Website/Blog Maintenance

Appointment Setting

Book Speaking Engagements

Resumes

Desktop Publishing

Order Fulfillment (Physical and/or Digital) 

Then…you need to talk to or email me!  

I am the answer you have been looking for!

Get Married Modesto! a new advertiser!

I am so excited to present my newest advertiser!

I met Stacy Vasquez last year while doing a wedding fair in Sonora and then again in Angels Camp.  She is absolutely the sweetest person!  I placed an ad in her magazine, Red Bow Weddings.  She was an amazing help!

And now...I get to have her advertise on my blog!  Can you tell I am excited!?!?!?

So, go visit getmarriedmodesto.com and tell Stacy that you are coming from the VERY busy Mom!

fear..is life changing but so is love!

As you know from past blogs....I love the www.purposefairy.com

I opened my email today and saw this quote from John Lennon.

“There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance. We need to learn to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections. If we cannot love ourselves, we cannot fully open our ability to love others or our potential to create. Evolution and all hopes for a better world rest in the fearlessness and open-hearted vision of people who embrace life. ~ John Lennon


Wow.  I was never a fan of the Beatles...not that I didn't like them...I just was neutral.

Then I married David....he was a FAN!

He always said that John Lennon was his spiritual father.  When David died I played his greatest hits at the funeral.  I think it's how most people knew they were at the right place.

Anyway....back to the quote.

When I went thru the death of my son on December 25, 1995 and then the sudden death of my husband on April 29, 1998.  I was overwhelmed with fear.  I hid from life.  I walled myself off from everything except my daughter and anything that had to do with her.  I would have committed suicide because I really thought about it.  But, I was afraid if I did commit suicide I might never see my husband or son again on the other side.

So, I was plagued by fear.  I lived like that for many, many years.  And even went I struck out and found my new hubby....I never fully committed to him because I was afraid to bury someone I loved...again.  Sure, we had a baby.  And I accepted his engagement ring...but I would not marry him!

Then I one day....it was time.  I knew that I loved him enough...enough to bury him and survive it all again.

That was love!

And when I let love in....my world opened!  I became a better person.  I became a person that others wanted to know.  I became a person....I wanted to know.

Letting love in...was amazing.  I sat in that restaurant on June 20, 2008 knowing I loved and wanted to be loved...forever.  That I deserved love.  And when I opened that door.....wow!

Fear is death of your soul.  Love is giving it freedom!

saying good bye to Ginny

I am going to repost this blog.  I miss Ginny so very much and while I am on vacation...I thought I would repost my favorite blogs.

My mother-in-law died on Saturday, April 30th @ 1:40pm.

She died in Hospice care.

She had stage 4 lung cancer.

It has been a long week since I heard that she was dying and at the end.

I have been through a lot of deaths....but, Sophie was always very young or didn't really know the person so I never had to tell her about the death of anyone she loved.

Until now.

I hated telling her.  There is never a good way to tell someone that a person they love is gone.

I remember hearing those words from other people about others deaths.  No one does it well.....no one.

I feel an empty spot where she once was in my heart.

I was so busy yesterday with stuff going on at school....I forgot she was dead.  And was thinking about what kind of flowers to send her for Mother's Day.

Then I remembered.

I can't send Mother's Day flowers anymore and never will.

Last night I sat with Sophie and ordered flowers....but for Ginny's funeral.  Sophie picked some beautiful flowers.  She wanted funeral flowers...until she saw what they really are.

I hate funeral flowers....and now....Sophie does too.

We struggled with the wording on the card.  Trying to use their suggestions for condolence cards....Sophie was horrified.

She finally just wrote...I love you, Sophie.

this was taken 2/2010 when we went back last year.

I wrote...I will miss you tremendously, your daughter-in-law.

this was taken when we went back in June, 2006

Oh...Ginny...we will miss you and the connection your provided to Sophie's family.

what is your HELL? Swimsuits????

This is my hell.  It doesn't look too horrible.  A shopping cart.  Wait is that a shopping cart in front of a dressing room???

Holey Hell!

Yes, folks...it's swimsuit season!

This photo was taken outside of the dressing room at Kohl's, as I was listening to my daughter cry about swimsuits. 

Then I think of worse things.........

• pelvic exam with a smelly doctor and a cold speculum
• having your Granny talk to you about her & Grandpa's sexual problems and how they handle them with the Adam & Eve catalog (I would like to say this is NOT true or never happened...but, I am still trying to sear this from my memory!)
• going to the dentist and find out he really, really loves to inflict pain  :)

Nope...I would take all of this and more to not have to listen to my daughter cry in a dressing room.

life makeover

I read this post from an email I get from www.purposefairy.com

And I loved it so much and it meant so much to me that I wanted you to read it too!

So, I shared it on my LinkedIn and thought...crap...I will spend the rest of my night reposting this....so, why not just repost it on my blog!

Duh...

Ok....so, background for those that don't know.

These past several years I have done a lot of changing.  I have lost people, buried people, told people goodbye, reformulated my troops, and acquired people that make me a better person.  I did this because the person I was...was not the person I wanted to be.  And the person I wanted to be could NOT be with the people I was with.

So, life makeover!

Best thing....best thing ever!

I am still changing and growing and becoming more of who I want to be everyday!  I like me more today than I ever have before.

So, see if this article I am reposting says anything to you.  If it doesn't...that is ok.  Because maybe...this is only for me.  But, if it does talk to you...do something!

Enjoy....

5 Inspiring Steps to Give Your Life a Makeover

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You’ve gotta dance like there’s nobody watching, Love like you’ll never be hurt, Sing like there’s nobody listening, And live like it’s heaven on earth. ~ William W. Purkey
Are you in desperate need of change? Does your life feel out of control? Is stress taking its’ toll on you? Then a LIFE MAKEOVER may be the thing for you!
If you don’t like something change it; if you can’t change it, change the way you think about it. ~ Mary Engelbreit
I read those words of wisdom one day and my life has not been the same since! Those words gave me the hope and motivation necessary to treat myself to a much needed life makeover! I memorized those words and committed myself to changing what I can in my life and changing my thinking about the things that I could not change.

1. Pulling weeds 

Pulling weeds was the first for me. What I mean by pulling weeds is to let go of the negative people from your life. These are the people who are more of obstacles rather than friends or people who support your hopes, goals, and dreams.  People who are miserable cannot stand to see anyone happy and will try to keep you down with them.

2. surround yourself with like-minded people

These should be people who are positive and enthusiastic about life. You need friends who will support you in your new way of life. Always remember that positive attracts positive!

3. love yourself and taking “ME” time

The third step is learning to love yourself and taking “ME” time. You know how when you acquire a new someone special in your life and you go out of your way to please them and make them happy? We should always do this for ourselves.  An important lesson I have learned over the years is that you cannot love anyone if you do not love yourself first. Another way to look at it is if you do not love yourself then how can you expect someone else to love you as deserve to be loved? You really need to take time out for yourself because you need to get to know yourself. You need to understand why you feel the way that you do about things. It is also good to know why you avoid certain things in your life. This will empower you. You deserve pampering and should not be afraid to say nice things to yourself while looking in the mirror. So many of us are guilty of losing ourselves in a relationship and we cannot just bleed ourselves dry without consequences. This is how we end up sick and miserable. This is how our lives spiral out of control.
Knowing yourself is the beginning of all Wisdom. ~ Aristotle

4. Take time out to think and meditate

You do not have to be an expert at mediation to calm your mind. The main goal is to clean out the garbage from the day and relax your mind so that it can be at its’ very best the next day. I think of this step as preventive maintenance like caring of your car, for example; changing the oil. You need to care for your mind as well as you would a luxury vehicle. You need to stop scaring yourself, dwelling on negativity, and beating yourself up. All of these things can make or break your life. Instead, focus on the new positive changes that you want to bring about.
“Be kind to your mind. ~ Louise Hay

5. LEARN TO LIVE IN THE NOW

Last but not least, learn to live in the NOW. I have found this to be very necessary when you want to relieve yourself of stress. I used to stay awake all night long worrying about tomorrow. I would obsess about things that I could not do anything about. Since then I have learned that this is very unhealthy. Now that I have learned to look for the joy in this moment and not worry about the future I live a much happier and healthier life. When I lived in the past I was quite depressed. I had to learn that I could not have a bright future to look forward to or a happy present life by dwelling upon my past. Learning to live in the now has been very beneficial to me. I now realize that every moment of every day I have a choice and I now choose peace, love, joy, and happiness!
With the past, I have nothing to do; nor with the future. I live now. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

This article was written by Andrea Picarelli.

be kind, be loved, calm your mind, change, dreams, goals, happiness, healthy living, hopes, life, life makeover, love, meditate, positive, stress