Sunday, October 28, 2012

kids growing up our world things are changing.

Hubby is retiring from his job at the end of the year.  Nash is in 1st grade and dealing with severe anxiety and Sophie is a Sophomore and getting ready to turn 15 years old!  She too has some anxiety issues and also like me...suffers from clinical depression.

And I....I am trying to figure it all out.  Learning to be a bus driver for school because we need to extra income.  Doing some direct sale companies to again...bring in some extra income.

I was always lucky enough to just be a stay at home Mommy.  I had started a business to give me something to do and be.  It never made a great deal of money but I loved it.  It gave me something to be proud of.  But, now...Errand Girl is dying and I am evolving her into an umbrella company for the direct sale companies.  I am going to miss Errand Girl.

And this trying to figure out how to really do it scary....especially when one of my kids is having problems.

Grrr....parenthood...actually Mommyhood is not for the weak!

Friday, October 26, 2012

when your kids are like you

I have not written for a while.  Mom was reading my blog and really if she is not going to have a relationship with me she should not read my blog!

So, I have let it be for a while.

Life has been going on and things are always busy.

Deb was in Mom surrogate.  Oh, the short time I had with her was awesome and I cried when she left!

THis week has been a week of changes...with a lot of seeing things more clearly.

When the weather creates a havoc in Nash's life like nothing else.  Every clothing change season is hard but this season was our toughest for him.  And it took me back to his age.

I have always said there was something....something slight...wrong with my boy.  I could never put my finger to it.  I had hunches but never a solid...."oh, that's it!"  This week, instead of getting better with age....he is now getting worse.  Worse about change.  Worse....about everything!

This week...watching took me back to me.  Me at his age.

Mom always said I was an awful kid,  Needy, clingy, terrified of everything, a Momma's girl.  She always told me I was horrible to raise and she never, ever wanted to have another girl because of how awful I was.  Even tho my brothers were criminals and drug addicts that stole from their own families....I was the worst one.

So, this week....I really saw Nash and his fears for the first time.....because I became MY MOM!  I became frustrated by Nash and felt that life sucking cling that I did to my Mom.  That's when I knew....for a solid fact...we needed help! 

I love my Nash so very much but I don't want to hate him like my Mom always hated me.  I would never want my child to ever feel like I did.

So, we are addressing his anxiety.  I spoke to our therapist yesterday and she will start treating him and help him cope and find tools to deal with his anxiety.  Because I know from my childhood....screaming and yelling at him will only make him worse.  Calling him names and making fun of him won't make this better.

I am choosing to love him through it.  Hold his hand and give him tools that he can use to cope with his anxiety.  I will never throw him in the middle of extreme chaos and turn my back on him.