Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Six Word Memoir

This is a writing prompt from Mama's Losin' It blog.

I chose this topic.

I am more than was told.

For me...this says volumes  :)

Sunday, May 29, 2011


We are hours into a sleepover.

According to Wikipedia....A sleepover, also known as a pajama party or a slumber party, is a party most commonly held by children or teenagers, where a guest or guests are invited to stay overnight at the home of a friend, sometimes to celebrate birthdays or other special events.

They are common at our house....especially now that Sophie and Sarah are friends again.  But, as you know...sleepovers have nothing to do with sleep!  Especially if you are a parent.

I was informed that a sleepover was coming by Sarah...when I picked the girls up from their 8th grade trip to 6 Flags.  Sophie soon confirmed and it was on.

I do love sleepovers for Sophie.

Since I have 2 ONLY children...its nice to see a sibling type of relationship in the house.  And Sophie and Sarah are just that.

This is Sophie & Sarah...4 years ago!
They fight like sisters, giggle like sisters...gossip and have now developed their own annoying phrases.  Years ago it was "I like pie".  Now, they both call each by their full names.

I am so very glad that they are friends again.  I think they need each other and now that they are more respectful of each other and see what the world is like without the other...they will do better together.

So, I tried to go in and snap a current picture of their sleepover....but, I was banned before I could get anything. 

So, this old one will have to do...and its pretty much the same  :)

God they are cute....loud but cute....still!

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Smart children and weak parents!

Oh.....these days are flying by!

First of all...my son, Nash.  Nash has been in a "special" place for the last couple of weeks.  He has had a bad attitude, bad behavior, arrogant, dismissive.....all of this at the ripe old age of 5.  I have gotten to the point of thinking murder  :)

Last night was the snapping point.  I was trying to watch the last Oprah show...the LAST ONE!  I have said for days...please let me watch the show live...please.  My family knows...I love Oprah!  But, Nash...my baby....was a poop head!  That rest of the day was ruined.

The madder I got...the more he misbehaved.  Which made me madder...which made him more of a jerk.  Well, you see how this just spiraled out of control!  He ended up not eating dinner because he was busy manipulating the situation...then after we were done announced that now he wants to eat.  Well buddy......STARVE!

I had a long talk in his room...mainly I was very threatening and actually...making promises that I was not able to keep.  Locking him in jail, taking away every toy he loves, torturing Harry (blanket).  Yes....I had gone past the deep end of parental bullshit.  then the boy was off to bed.

Then when I was really looking for an adult to fight with...Lance made a very insensitive comment....and well....you can only guess that I became the best wife & mother on Earth at that moment  :)

With some choice words to my loving husband...I grabbed my iced tea and headed for the computer to be a bitch to just myself  :)  Oh, I stewed pretty good.  I walked out into the living room...looking for more of a fight and found that HE had escaped too!  To his computer!  Now...I am really fit to be tied!

So, I frantically work to calm down  :)

Sophie comes in.  I am calm by now...she has no idea that Lance and I are fighting.  :)  So, after we talk I ask her a question about her brother and how he has been acting lately.  Sophie...the child I love asked...do you really want to know what I think????  REALLY????  Why yes...I do.  Please impart on me the information that I am perfect and loving and the best Mom ever...and my son is just a natural born pain.

My daughter...Sophie...the one I adore!  Looked right at me and said Mom...you are really being a Bitch!  You aren't stupid.  Do you think you are going to win this???

OK....WOW!  Just what I needed!

Sophie went on to say Mom....you have been blessed with extremely intelligent children and you are right....you have been saying this all along that Nash is way too smart....and I do think, yes...he is smarter than me. 


Now, its all coming back.  When Sophie was this age.  She was the queen of manipulation and making my life miserable.  I had fought her until I was backed so far in a corner that I couldn't get out.

And here I am again.  I am backing myself into a corner when I have a million battles to fight on behalf of my family, their school, my business and the world in general.....and he has only one.  Me  :)

I need to back down and quit.  So, I will try.

I love that Sophie remembers and can understand....me.

I apologized to her.

I went out to my loving husband...and apologized to him.  And he did the same.  that's what I love about him.  He is easy to talk to when I am done trying to rule everyone in my world  :)

I still believe that a parent should only get one gifted child in a family.  I said a long time ago....I wanted just a normal child...of average intelligence.  But, once again...I didn't.

People that have average children think that a very smart child is nothing but an asset.  But, like everything...excess always comes with a price.

I love my children more than life itself...but, I say this at least weekly....I would like a day of just average!

I hate having to always be a couple of steps ahead of my children and prepare for the next thing they might think of! 

How many of you have gotten a call from the school telling you that your child manipulated a test and tests as dumb as a rock...just because they were bored.

How many of you have a child that refuses to turn in work so that she can maintain a 3.66 GPA?

How many of you have been sitting at the Honors Ceremony watching your child receive her certificate all the while her teacher comes up and tells you that she is NOW flunking school....because she decided that if she is gifted she needs to never do any of the work.

So, my first child Sophie survived and we have learned to deal with her "special"ness.  I don't like it most of the time but I now haw to accept it.  And now...Nash is blazing a trail of his own!

Lance thinks its awesome.  He has always thought that Sophie was amazing!  And his chest swells with pride knowing that Nash is "special" too.  I was average....it seems easier.

But then...I have no idea!

Thanks for reading!

Thursday, May 19, 2011

I know you are out there

OK...so I have been blogging for a couple of months.

If you don't blog...you should......it's very eye opening.

I have several readers according to my stats page.  At least 20 to 30 per post.

You read...and you don't write back or leave comments.

Of course...that is strictly our prerogative I am not here to judge.  I would write even if no one reads it.

This is my therapist  :)

So, I guess it's you  :)

I pour my heart out about what is in my head or what is going on in my life and it feels like better.

I also had my first 3 months published in softback form.  I want to be able to have it for my kids.  One day they are going to want to know what the HELL happened to their Mom and why she is the way she is.  This blog along with other things I have kept from my past will explain everything.  Or at least give their therapist a reason why THEY are the way they are.

Anyway...if you would like to say hi and let me know what you are thinking...I would like that.  And if you don't then by gosh...don't.

But, know that I appreciate that there are eyes out there reading my words.  Maybe one day...we can say hi to each other!

Until then...thanks for reading!

OMG!  while writing...I managed to finish off a bag of dark chocolate pomegranate HEALTH candies.  OK...maybe not HEALTH but...healthier than most things I put in my body.

OMG!  They are fabulous!

But, just for the record...my bag was not 2 pounds!  it was a previously opened 7 ounce bag.  OK...just wanted to make sure you knew.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

a life in the day of....

  1. back to lists
  2. I do like them
  3. today was work
  4. second session of Nash's hand therapy assigned by the occupational therapist.
  5. he loves it!
  6. we get to play with playdough, cotton balls, discs, spinning tops, shot things.
  7. he loves it!
  8. had Community Feud to compete to win $5000 for our school.  Did well the first night.
  9. Didn't the second night.
  10. we lost.
  11. but, it was fun!
  12. today...broke the news to those that were supporting us.
  13. better next year!
  14. up last night with Nash
  15. Hope he doesn't get up tonight.
  16. I am tired.
  17. tonight was my 1st night home in days...and not sure when I will be back here.
  18. tomorrow is the Open House & Ice Cream Social.
  19. 2 of my 8th graders have other plans...
  20. so, I will only have 7 kids to serve.
  21. still need to pick up the ice cream & whipped cream
  22. get the toppings ready to dispense.
  23. dinner night out with Lance & Nash.
  24. Round Table.
  25. It cost me over 5 dollars for Nash to play basketball.
  26. you would be amazed how GOOD he is.
  27. also worked a claw machine....and won a ball!  Of course!
  28. Sophie is working the lights for Lip Sync this year.
  29. why cant the teachers say a correct time to pick up kids?
  30. I got there on time...and waited for 20 minutes!
  31. about bed time.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

a glass box


Yes....been about a week since my last post.

Seems like I am running at a very fast pace and don't want to.  I really want to put my hands out and stop this ride I am on.  It's not fun.....I am not enjoying myself...........I am not even getting sick to my stomach.

I just want it to stop.

I signed the paperwork to retain Nash in kindergarten today.  Mrs. Carlon handed me the paperwork and said I could sign it whenever I felt I wanted to.  It's a hard thing for parents to sign.  Purposefully holding a child back.  Saying NO....to moving forward.

And it's funny.........Nash is NOT the one I want to hold back.  I know holding him back in kindergarten is the best thing for him.  Yes, I do know that!  I am not questioning this at all.
my babies....Sophie & Nash

What I am questioning is that why can't I hold Sophie back???

You ask....why?  Why would you hold Sophie back?  Isn't she at the top of her class?  Isn't she already registered for high school?  Is there one person who would side with you to retain Sophie in 8th grade???


Nope...not one person will stand with me to retain Sophie.  And.....everybody is right.  She should not be held back....I just want her to be held back dammit!

Lance asked me this morning...is this because my childhood was such a mess that I am trying to really protect myself?  Is this a grief thing over David?  Or a mystery feeling?  Or maybe a little bit of all of the above.

I would do anything to make damned sure that NOTHING....and I mean NOTHING....ever happens to my little girl.  You look cross eyed at Sophie and you are OUTTA HERE!  If I even suspect anything MIGHT happen....I will be all over it!  God help the soul that tries......I think I have said enough on that.

I also think is has to do with David and the whole letting go thing.

Not a lot of people know that when David died.....I clung to Sophie with vise grip hands!  Thank God that child is so VERY independent.  But, to be able to let her go to kindergarten....I had to go into therapy.  Yes...I did. 

So, if you are a smart person....you might figure out why I do so much volunteering at the school.....LOL  Now you know.  It's to hold fast to my children.

In high school...they don't have classroom Mommies.  They should!  But, they don't.

I was watching a Mom in Nash's kindergarten class today.  Her daughter is a year older than Nash.  She literally carries the child to class.  Cuddles her in the classroom....during most of the class.  I never, ever did this with my children.  Sophie would never allow it....and Nash would and would never let me go.

It's a balancing act being a parent.  When do you know when to do what is best?  When do you start to let go?  When can you hold on?

My sister-in-law, Dr. Janet Madden, used to always tell me when her daughter, Muireanne was 13....that she wanted a glass box for her daughter.  At the time Sophie was only 2.  I thought I understood what she was saying at the time.

I did NOT!

Now, I do.

I want a glass box for Sophie.  So that I can watch her and nothing can hurt her in there.  She is protected but can grow and see the world.  But, I hold the key.  :)

OK...enough today.  Thank you for reading....this is my psychosis  LOL  Sad....but true.  I think the writing for you and ME to read is helping.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

been a while....

I have had a lot to say....but didn't.

I have had a lot of emotions about all that has transpired....but, trying to not deal with it so that I can deal with others.

I have been busy.

Or kept myself that way.

I have been sick. 

Got the cooties.

Then it was Mother's Day.

It was a great day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Seems like I am running down a hill to a finish line.

School is almost over.

Sophie will move on to high school...we all know how I feel about that!

Nash will stay in Kindergarten.  Yes, its for the best that he stays back. 

But..........it hurts....my ego.

I think if I DIDN'T have to do Kindergarten again...I would be fine.  I am ready for a longer day of him at school.  Yes....I said it.  I need a longer day of freedom.

The days are speeding past now.

Blurring into each other.

Time is going so fast.

I really want to get off this ride for a couple of days.

Make it stop.

Make Sophie stop growing up. 

Make Nash stop growing up.

Give me more time. 

More time!

I feel like I am running...so fast to keep up with them. 


it's not fast enough.

I am getting left behind.

I think that's it.

I feel left....forgotten...........missed.

How can I love them so much and let them go?

I look at myself....no one cared that I grew up, moved on.................

no one even thought to think about missing me.

I miss my kids....and they are still here.

But, I miss them.

Can't it just stop for a while?

Slow down even........slow!