Tuesday, May 17, 2011

a glass box

Hi...

Yes....been about a week since my last post.

Seems like I am running at a very fast pace and don't want to.  I really want to put my hands out and stop this ride I am on.  It's not fun.....I am not enjoying myself...........I am not even getting sick to my stomach.

I just want it to stop.

I signed the paperwork to retain Nash in kindergarten today.  Mrs. Carlon handed me the paperwork and said I could sign it whenever I felt I wanted to.  It's a hard thing for parents to sign.  Purposefully holding a child back.  Saying NO....to moving forward.

And it's funny.........Nash is NOT the one I want to hold back.  I know holding him back in kindergarten is the best thing for him.  Yes, I do know that!  I am not questioning this at all.
my babies....Sophie & Nash


What I am questioning is that why can't I hold Sophie back???

You ask....why?  Why would you hold Sophie back?  Isn't she at the top of her class?  Isn't she already registered for high school?  Is there one person who would side with you to retain Sophie in 8th grade???

No.

Nope...not one person will stand with me to retain Sophie.  And.....everybody is right.  She should not be held back....I just want her to be held back dammit!

Lance asked me this morning...is this because my childhood was such a mess that I am trying to really protect myself?  Is this a grief thing over David?  Or a mystery feeling?  Or maybe a little bit of all of the above.

I would do anything to make damned sure that NOTHING....and I mean NOTHING....ever happens to my little girl.  You look cross eyed at Sophie and you are OUTTA HERE!  If I even suspect anything MIGHT happen....I will be all over it!  God help the soul that tries......I think I have said enough on that.

I also think is has to do with David and the whole letting go thing.

Not a lot of people know that when David died.....I clung to Sophie with vise grip hands!  Thank God that child is so VERY independent.  But, to be able to let her go to kindergarten....I had to go into therapy.  Yes...I did. 

So, if you are a smart person....you might figure out why I do so much volunteering at the school.....LOL  Now you know.  It's to hold fast to my children.

In high school...they don't have classroom Mommies.  They should!  But, they don't.

I was watching a Mom in Nash's kindergarten class today.  Her daughter is a year older than Nash.  She literally carries the child to class.  Cuddles her in the classroom....during most of the class.  I never, ever did this with my children.  Sophie would never allow it....and Nash would and would never let me go.

It's a balancing act being a parent.  When do you know when to do what is best?  When do you start to let go?  When can you hold on?

My sister-in-law, Dr. Janet Madden, used to always tell me when her daughter, Muireanne was 13....that she wanted a glass box for her daughter.  At the time Sophie was only 2.  I thought I understood what she was saying at the time.

I did NOT!

Now, I do.

I want a glass box for Sophie.  So that I can watch her and nothing can hurt her in there.  She is protected but can grow and see the world.  But, I hold the key.  :)

OK...enough today.  Thank you for reading....this is my psychosis  LOL  Sad....but true.  I think the writing for you and ME to read is helping.

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