Wednesday, August 22, 2012

back to school....thank you JESUS!

Today was back to school for both of my kids.

Sophie is now a Sophomore and Nash is a 1st grader!

This has been a VERY long summer!  I was more than ready to get them out the door and off to school.

Both were very nervous about the 1st day.  Sophie was afraid she would not have any friends and Nash just didn't want to deal with people.

Sophie started the day badly because she almost missed her bus because she wasn't paying attention to the time...and the bus passed our house.  She went running down the street with binders, purse and in heels.  She is not a graceful child so...I was VERY concerned.  I grabbed my keys, Nash and I hoped in the HER in the van and speed to the bus time!

Nash was different.  We had to leave an hour before school started just to get a parking spot in the parking lot!  I have been at this school for 10 years....I know how it works  :)  We go to Starbucks, grab a coffee and a snack and wait in the parking lot.  Nash did NOT want to leave the car and just wanted to go home.  So, I set a timer...because they always work.

We walked to his class and said hi to Ms Kitchen and checked out his new desk.  I filled out paperwork and he proceeded to get MORE nervous.  We went to the playground but they sent us back to, that was it.  He colored and told me many times how much he loved his desk! you don't get homework on the 1st day....Moms do!  I spent 1 1/2 hours going thru papers, writing checks, plugging in dates on my calendar and signing my life 2 schools!

But...I am glad school is back in session!  May it last forever!

Saturday, August 18, 2012

another ride on the crazy train

Today was going to be a good day...I got to sleep in...on a Saturday.

But, as much as I tried...there was a lot of emotion...step-family stuff.  So, decided to be better than the yuck and move on.  I invited my Hubby out to a late lunch and a movie.  Our typical date night (afternoon).  Went to our favorite restaurant and saw the movie...Hope Springs.  It was great!

Then came home to kids.

I hate when a simple incident becomes a flashback to my childhood.  And when its my's rarely a happy moment.

When I was getting Nash ready for bed he tattled on his sister.  So typical.  And since Sophie has been doing some really stupid things lately.....I am guessing it because of hormones and brain sludge from, I asked her about what Nash had said.

I could tell...she was not telling me the truth.  And it was NOT a big deal but....I was raised with lies and have raised my children with truth.  So, I asked her again and asked Nash again.  Really???  Now, I am getting crazed because what had be accused was stupid and didn't really matter but, don't lie!

And before I knew it...the past was staring me in the face!  I had to stand my children side by side and ask them to tell me the truth.

As a child, I had 2 brothers...1 Rick was 1 year younger and the other, Ryan, was 6 years younger.  Mom was never home and if anything ever happened, she handed the punishment over to our step-Dad, Marv.

He would line us up and ask us a question.  Rick...always lied!  We could never tell on someone else, they had to confess.  And if he went thru the line up and no one confessed.....the beatings commenced.  We were told to go to our rooms and think about what we are doing to him, to Mom and to ourselves.  I always got beat first because I was the oldest and should have known better.

This is what Sammy looked like.
He would come into my room.  He would be dragging a leather belt.  He would look at me and ask the question....and if I did NOT confess...he would take his belt and double it and hold it in his right hand.  He would hold out his left hand and I would have to place my right hand in his left hand.  And he would start beating.  By holding my right hand and beating me with his caused me to run....away.  He loved that.  Because then our family dog, Sammy, that only loved him.....would be able to chase our feet and bite our toes...while we ran in circles!

As soon as the begging started to get really good and we were falling...he would stop and go to the next person.  Rick, no matter how guilty he was...he never confessed!  So, the beating would happen to him.....and then Ryan.  Ryan would always tell on Rick...which made Marv madder.  And then he would come back to me.  This would go on until someone confessed on their own or Marv got tired.

One time, it kept going on and on over the opening of a Pepsi bottle.  I know...sounds stupid but someone popped the top on a 2 quart bottle of Pepsi and no one confessed!  No one!  So, when he got tired of betting us...he grounded us.  We were grounded for over 3 months.  We could only go out of our rooms for school and meals.  At least my brothers had company since they shared a room.

I finally made it stop when I ran away.

Marv would line us up on occasion, ask us who did it?  And beat us.  Then back to our rooms.  While I was confined to my room...I was also getting molested on a more frequent basis because now...I was really isolated.  So, I had had it.  I was 13 years old and was done!  I ran out the front door...slamming it so hard because I really didn't know where to go.  I just wanted it to stop.  No one came out.  No one heard...except my brothers....and they couldn't tell because....well....they couldn't.

I went to my friend, Joann's house.  Her Mom was an alcoholic cocktail waitress that worked graveyard shift at one of the casinos.  So she was either always drunk, passed out or.....working.  So, I hung out there for several hours.  And then Marv showed up with my Mom...who always claimed she knew nothing!  Demanding that I come home because I am breaking rank and his rules.

And since Joann lived in an apartment, and Marv was loud and Mom was screaming that I had to come home....Joann's Mom woke up and threatened to call the police.  So, I didn't want to get Joann in trouble.  I got in the car with Mom and went back to my prison.  When we got home...I told Mom about the molestations, about that I was going to tell the world what was going on.  She promised it would stop.

You know it did not stop.

It was never spoken about again.  We did get off grounding.  But there still were beating just like before.  And the more underground but it really didn't need to be because Mom was never home.  She was out sleeping around with everyone else BUT Marv.  Nope...she gave him me.

Tonight, during the inquisition.  I was a mess.  As soon as Sophie figured out I was boarding the crazy train...she revealed what happened.  I did everything I could to maintain a normal stance...but I crumbled very fast.  I apologized, grabbed some anxiety pills and went to the porch to have a panic attack.  I hate those things!

I hate my children having to see their Mother buy the ticket on the crazy train.  I am used to Sophie knowing.  But, now Nash knows.  It's shameful, it's humiliating, it's humbling, it's my reality.

My chest still hurts, my head hurts from the pounding headache.  I wish that I had never been born.  I wish that my Mom never had us kids.  She was unfit.  And yet here I am...dragging my precious children onto the crazy train with me.  I am so, so sorry to my kids.

The crazy train sucks!  I wish the crazy train did not know where my stop is.

The past, bleeds into the present....and as much as you don't want to hurt your do, because you have that ticket...the ticket no one the crazy train!

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Get out....go to school! Please!

The kids go back to school on August 22nd!

As you know...that is a MAJOR HOLIDAY for parents!

I am practicing my Happy Dance...not that I need the practice.  I have been doing it in my head for weeks now!

Sadly, the last 2 days....I am just done with the kids being home.  They are bored.  It's NASTY hot outside and Nash is getting prickly heat all over his body.  And...honestly....I am sick of their faces!  I would love 5 minutes to myself!  I went into the bathroom the other day...just to "have a moment".  Then I see the boys feet!  I scream....OMG!  GO AWAY!  And now...the girl is joining in.  Really???  You are almost 15 years old!  Do you have to watch me sit on the toilet???

Yesterday...I relished the hours I spent at school copying the Back to School letter to parents from our PTO  I sat in the Teacher's Lounge and enjoyed the conversations with other adults.  Altho they are teachers and are not as happy as I am about school starting.

So, officially....tomorrow it will be a week!  ONE WEEK!

So, Lord...protect my babies....'cuz I do love them more than life itself!  But, I have a shipment of stun guns and pepper spray for my new direct sell company arriving in days and I would hate to have to practice on them  :)

Monday, August 13, 2012

teenage girl sleepovers!

Tonight...there is a sleepover going on in my house.

They are watching scary movies.  So, lots of screaming!  And lots of talking...LOUD talking!

I didn't do a lot of sleepovers but my daughter Sophie does.

I think it's a joke that they are called sleepovers.

They do NOT sleep at night! 

Maybe they should be called "Keep your parents awake all that you can sleep the next morning when they go to work" party.

I have gotten a lot of work done...since I can't sleep.

But, sleep would be nice!

Friday, August 10, 2012

have you done direct sales yet???

I did an event tonight as Errand Girl and Party Favors by EG at Ironstone Vineyards in Murphy's, CA.  It was called a "Girls Night Out"...I had a blast!  Lots of direct sale vendors and a few local artists.  I got to meet a ton of nice women!

And...I do love to talk!

Anyway...I have been thinking about doing a direct sale company.  But, nothing has really spoken to me. My hubby signed me up to win a free spa....and I bought BeautyControl.  Not intentionally to sell. 

I have looked at Grace Adele purses....I buy my purses at Target...the same style for years.  Altho...their purses are GORGEOUS!  And I would really like to do Jamberry, the vinyl nail shields.  I had full intention of buying into that company...TONIGHT!  But, she was not there!
In the caves of Ironstone Vineyards

I sat next to lady by the name of Rae Davis, selling Damsel in Defense.  Wow!  Cool company, I think I could work it with my own business because it is a woman product that is right for the times.  And who wouldn't love a pink stun gun????

So, thinking about....what would I do best at.

I have even thought...the last time I saw this company...of hosting a party at school!  It would be great!

Think I made my decision!

Sunday, August 5, 2012

driving lessons

My baby drove a car today.

OK, I let her sit behind the wheel, with it in park and take her foot off the brake...a lot!  She did circles and figure 8's in the parking lot.  And when she couldn't go forward I let her put it in reverse and go backwards.

She was so excited!

I wanted her first experience to be something she will never forget!  Something she can look at with great joy...........not wondering WTF?

I don't remember much of my first experience except it was awful.  My step-Dad took me out and made me sit in the driver's seat of the car.  He told me to start it.  I had no idea how?  He told me to put my foot on the brake and start the car.  When I asked which one was the brake...he was horrified.  He was calm but I was clueless.

I was never taught anything...just expected to know.  How to drive, how to cook, how to do everything.

But, my step-Dad was a good teacher once he got that I had no clue.  He taught me how to drive at over 100 miles an hour...because he said that I would so I should learn HOW to do it.  I learned to go super fast and slam on the brakes and spin out.  He was a new car lot manager in Las Vegas.  He always had some kind of new car that he drove off the lot.  I got to drive a 1979 Corvette...FAST! 

Other things happened other than driving but that was a part of my life at the time.  Still not sure what was worse...driving knowing that eventually, I would be putting out or driving with my Mom in car screaming to the top of her lungs how awful I was.

And when I finally got my license...exactly on the 16th birthday, God...I was horrible!  But, I never killed anyone.  I dented a lot of other cars!  LOL  And I did kinda hit someone.  But, I was told by the officer that it was the guys fault.  Pedestrians do not have the right of way in Las Vegas.  So, when I went to make a right turn and he was in the crossing walk...he should have been paying attention.  Not flailing onto my hood  :)

she does not look ready to be driving!  She can't even stay off the floor!
As a parent...I am not ready for my baby to be driving.  Being out there where I can't protect her.  Nope...not ready at all!

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Hunger Games...OMG!

I finally finished reading all of the Hunger Games books.

Sophie started reading them 2 years ago when my step-daughter Liz gave them to her when we visited in the Summer of 2010.  I knew Sophie loved them immediately because she could NOT stop talking about them!  I didn't start reading them until I saw the movie.

I devoured the first book, Hunger Games, in days!

But, as a busy Mom...I do NOT have time for relaxing reading.  So, I had to wait a while before I could read Catching Fire.  And Sophie was constantly.....READ MOCKINGJAY!

So, it's been a busy Summer here at VERY Busy Mom.  So, when I finished the Humane Society's BBQ last Saturday night...I promised myself a break and to read the final book.

So, last night I was at 84% on my Kindle.  I knew I had a busy morning so I scheduled time this afternoon to finish the book.

Sophie was bugging me with...are you done yet??

As a Mom who has been thru a lot!  It spoke to me differently than it did my 14 year old daughter. I have seen bad things, lived bad things....know bad things happen everyday.

When I was done...I felt empty.  Pissed!  But...sad.

It reminded me of life...the life of those that are taken advantage of for the pleasure of others.  I cried for Katniss, for Peeta, for her Mom, for Haymitch, for Finnick, for Prim, for all of the people that got fucked over in the book...which was everyone in every district and the Capital.

This...I tried to explain to my darling how life can be.

There are those that will go along with whatever someone tells them.  And then there are those that see the bullshit.  But try to believe the bullshit to survive.  And one see the bullshit for what it is.  And say no. can't tell me anymore that the sky is purple.  I know the sky is blue!  I know what I know!  Your bullshit is not working anymore.

If you have not read the Hunger must!  I know I was one of the last to read them...but....I loved them!