Saturday, January 19, 2013

life changes...where have I been?

Since my last post...things have CHANGED!

No, I am not a fan of change.  Some changes I have embraced, some I am annoyed at and some of them finally have a name.

Changes I have embraced - 

  • closing my business!  Woo hoo!
  • working for someone else!  again....WOO HOO!
  • Less stressful life...YES!

Changes that are annoying - 

  • retired husband...there is good and bad in this.  
    • He is so much more relaxed now.  
    • The lines on his faces are not as deep.  
    • He smiles more.  
    • But, he is driving me NUTS!  I will be glad when he finds his place in this new life of his....he deserves it.
Just received a hat from our garbage man, Chris...Nash's hero!

Changes that have a name - 

  • I have said this from the very week of my son's birth.....he is weird  :)  But, he is my son and I love that kid!  Since I was always a stay at home Mom, even with the business, I did accommodate his idiosyncrasies.  They were just who he was and how he was dealt with.  I did ask his pediatrician often if this was normal and I was assured it was.  
  • But, this past October, when it rained for the first time since Spring....he amplified.  
  • We still don't have a  specific name yet...but these are a few of them.
    • Autism
    • OCD
    • ADHD
    • Anxiety disorder
    • Asperger's
    • genius with issues
I closed my business because dealing with Nash and the business was becoming very STRESSFUL!  I could do one or the other but not both.  And with Hubby deciding to retire and be home and saying he would come and work for me....SNAP! 

My friend happened to post on Facebook that she was looking for someone to help out in her would start out part-time and could become full-time.  I had known her for a while...not really personally but professionally  :)  I had been to her office and met the others that worked in the office for her. 

The moment I saw her post...I knew what I was going to do!  It was a life-raft in the sea of yuckie!  It was the answer to what I needed to do for myself.  I responded instantly...or very soon  :)  And it was the best decision...ever!
  • It was a place where I was an adult among other adults.  
  • It was a haven from dealing with the issues of Nash and of Hubby.
  • It was a paycheck!  Woot!
  • I was needed for more than being a wife and Mommy.
  • I had to look put together...daily!  That was very nice...but, not so easy to do.
  • And...I work with awesome people!
Nash....he is no different than he has always been except amplified!  But, the day it rained it all became clear.  I saw things from myself and my brothers that now made sense.  I saw why Mom was a crazy person that drank and screamed all the time......and didn't want to be around us.  It all became clear.

But, now having a name for it...helps.  But, I see these same issues in myself and also in my daughter.  When I told the therapist that is treating myself and my kids that Sophie and I have it too.  She agreed but said that we are not paralyzed by it like Nash is.

We have a long road ahead of us but, it will be funny, it will be sad, it will be heartwarming, it will make me VERY mad at my past and at the lack of caring but I will be able to understand why.  Mom is fucked up and doesn't care or drunk....or like her whole life....only concerned about what was best for her and no one else.  Yes you know....she is the center of our world and I will bet you don't even know who she is  LOL  Be grateful!

Life is good now!  NO family just my kids and my Hubby....THIS is a blessing to have them gone!

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