Wednesday, February 15, 2012

What kind of mom are you??

Yesterday I sat in a therapists office with my daughter...talking about an incident that happened in the crazy days...a couple of years ago.  It was a very terrible thing that happened at the hands of myself.

Now, you are thinking....OMG!  What did Tammy do??? 

I had to rush myself and my Mom to Klamath Falls to help my brother die.  It was a rush trip...I got friends or family to help out with both of my children.  My step-daughter picked up Nash and was supposed to take him home to a waiting 11 year old Sophie.  Hubby was supposed to come home and take care of both my children.

That is not how it happened.

Sophie got home from school and waited.  My atep-daughter picked up Nash from daycare and took him to her house and didn't tell anyone.  And Hubby got held over for work and could not come home.  And I....was 16 hours away in Klamath Falls.

It really is a very involved boils down to......this was the first time...Sophie was ever left alone for a period of time.  Once Sophie called me on my cell phone and told me what was happening at home. everyone to do what they were supposed to do or at least make sure my kids were in their own home and supervised until their Father got home to take care of it.

I was a mess!  Can you even imagine what I was going thru???  But, when I heard it from my daughter...her side.  It was awful.  She was scared and left alone without knowing what was going on or where her brother was.

When Sophie was asking me questions about this time period...we were driving home from seeing Paula Deen in Sacramento on February 3rd.  Sophie always seems to want to talk when I am driving.

This is when I realized what kind of Mom I have been with Sophie.

I am a Hover Mother.  

Or more like a Mom who runs ahead of my child and paints everything to be pretty and sparkly.  I make it that nothing ever happens badly.  I have woven a cotton candy cloud for her to walk thru life in.  She is very safe is the world I created.  I started this world when she was only 6 months old.  That is when her Daddy died.

Babies with crazy Mommies should not have the only NON-crazy person in their life die.  Especially when the Mommy & Daddy had made a deal before even thinking about having a child.  The deal was...Mommy would go out into the world and make money and Daddy would raise the child.  He was working on his doctorate so this seemed like a fabulous idea!

The thought of being a Mommy was horrifying to me.  I had no clue how to be a Mommy.  I was raised in chaos and had an awful Mom.  That I knew...did not give me a fighting chance of being a good Mommy.  Our deal seemed like it would work.  I was good at making money and he was an amazingly good and decent man and really looked forward to being a stay at home Daddy.

See what happens when you make really good plans!  LOL

So, when he died suddenly...tragically.  I.....yes, crazy with grief and crazy with the thought of being the only one in charge of this wonderful child......had to decide to be a Mommy.  The only way I knew how to be a Mommy was to do everything the opposite of how I was raised.  When a question came up or a decision had to be made for Sophie....I would look at it....and do the complete opposite of everything I knew!

I became a Hover Mother.  I spun a magical world where even if something bad happens....I made it magical and sparkly so it would not hurt so much.  I would frantically run ahead of where ever Sophie would go and make sure nothing could happen to her.  And If I couldn't guarantee it...I would be the background watching. 

This is how I became Co-President of our school's PTO, class see?  If I am close...I can make everything puffy and cotton candy-ish....magical and sparkly!

And now....I am looking at it and seeing that I now have 3 years to make a world that Sophie can leave me and go to college.  Where I can't make cotton candy clouds of magic to make the world a perfect place.

And a good I really raised a normal wonderful child.  Who's big problem in life was coming home to an empty house...once.  She was safe and really nothing happened.  According to our therapist...this is a very good problem to have.

And as a Hover Mother...this is the problem my child has to deal with.  Not too bad I'd say.

Thank God for therapy!

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