Thursday, April 5, 2012

face slap.....and Moms

Just when you think....it's ok.  Wack!

Today is my Mom's birthday and I have not spoken to her in over 2 1/2 years.  There are many reasons why I don't speak to her...she was a terrible Mom because she had a terrible Mom...who probably had a terrible Mom. 

I loved my Mom's Mom...she was my Granny.  I worshiped her.  And I am seeing now...that my worshiping of her was a tool against my Mom.

Wow, when there are problems...and you start looking at them.  WOW!

All I can say is I am better off separate from her and so are my children.  But, it is very sad.  I love my Mom.  But, she is really fucked up.  And me too. 

I have been in and out of therapy for the past 3 years.  I am diagnosed with clinical depression and major depression with anxiety disorders.  You can look at family history and see it goes back genetically for generations.  But, no one ever got treated until I spoke out.

We were a family of self-medicators  :)  My families medication of choice was alcohol.  My siblings used drugs...I did too.  But, my favorite drug of choice is food....it has always worked when I used it.  It was also my Granny's.

Anyway...why am I writing this???

Today, Hubby and I decided to go out for a date.  We are pretty basic...dinner and a movie.  Or if we can take the chastising from my daughter...lunch and a movie.  Because we like to be home and in jammies by 6pm  :)

Today we decided to see "The Hunger Games".  Great movie!  Anyway...I always choose the same restaurants to eat at so I gave Hubby his choice.  A local restaurant that we had not been to.  I wanted to park on the front street and show my new van signage but there was no parking.  So, I went to the back....and sometimes...I am a really bad parker!  So, be damned!  I parked in a parking lot instead of the street.

Excitedly, we cross the street and enter the building,  You have to walk down stairs, past a beauty shop to enter.  I open the door to enter the restaurant and who is there???

As soon as I saw her face...I was shocked at the anger and hatred fuming from her.  I turned around very fast and told Hubby...we are leaving.  As soon as  reached the door.....I hear...fucking coward.  And just so that I can stoop to her level...I yell out Bitch

I am in the throws of a panic attack and as I am marching back up the stairs...of course........I see people I know.  I am horribly embarrassed.  I apologize..slightly...and leave the building.  I cross the street and get into my van.  I am hyperventilating, panicking, angry, embarrassed.........and as I look at the building...I see the windows into the restaurant.  She saw me coming...and like a cat hunting a  mouse...was waiting to pounce.

I know...I am not a good daughter either.  I could no longer take her behavior, her names, her life.  It was self preservation and that of my children from a sick woman and her equally sick husband (NOT my Father).

I am not here to bad mouth my Mom but to vent about a monster in a closet.

This is how sick I am....still.  In the end....I knew it ruined her day....and it's her birthday and I feel terrible for that.  No one...even her...deserves to be called a bitch on their birthday.

Thank goodness for therapy and friends that love me.  And a Hubby who has seen the monster is her natural habitat and is thankful that the relationship is severed.

Come on...therapy appointment!

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