Wednesday, June 20, 2012

marriage, love & anniversaries

Today is my anniversary. 

I married the love of my life 4 years ago.  Granted, yes we have an almost 7 year old together but, I could not marry him when I got pregnant.  I had issues.  When I married him...I wanted to be able to say....I will love you to the end.  I will love you enough to risk being a widow again.

I know that sounds awful but that was my truth.  I had been widowed once and I never, ever want to go thru that again.  Actually the day I married my Hubby I made him promise that if he ever, EVER thinks he is going to die....he must come and blow my brains out...so that he dies first.

He agreed to that the day we married.

We did not have a wedding.  We went to the courthouse and got married.

We were having lunch at our favorite restaurant and talking about taxes, finances and the like.  He had just accepted a new position and was commuting back & forth weekly.  It was more money but, it was crazy making for me.  Because of the pay increase...he needed more deductions and because of him being gone so much and my stress level...it was time for me to get insurance.  The solution...marriage.

I had already let him have Nash as a deduction and child care.  I was making him pay me child support even tho we were living together.  And we were committed to each other.  But, marriage was the next logical step and I was ready.

So, thank God I married him. 

Soon there after both my Mom and brother were diagnosed with cancer.  Mom stage 2 breast cancer and brother stage 4 kidney cancer.  Mom survived but mentally stripped me and my family of just about everything.  My brother died June 12, 2009.  I took my Mom up to my brother at the end, helped his wife make decisions and helped make it easy for him to go.  His death was proof that if I didn't stand up for myself...I would be nothing but her's for the rest of my life. 

A couple of months later, in August, 2009, at a family party the same bullshit played out that has played for years...and I was done.  Because now....it was effecting not just me but my kids.  I never stood up for me but I would never NOT stand up for my kids!

This opened a world of doors to the past and how it effected today.

I said no more!  It was like I finally stopped looking at her version of the truth and saw....THE TRUTH.

I lost my entire family over this...I miss them terribly.  But, I will never go back...I will never be a part of their truth again.  I deserve better.  My kids deserve better.  And life has been so amazing since I let them go.

My hubby is my family now.  MY children, his children, our grandchildren, his extended family accept me for me. 

I am lucky.

I love my husband!

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