Thursday, August 18, 2011

how to go on from here

Joining up with mama Kat today and posting this blog that I wrote 2 weeks ago. It was not my first panick attack...and will not be my last. But, I am survive them.


So, if you read my last post you know....I have a complicated mind.

I learned at a young age how to hide from my life while still being there.  I was a very good student.  But, you can't hide forever.

Over the past many years...I have learned that when life gets complicated for me...that's when my mind decides to reveal a past memory.

Why?

Hum...that's what I have been asking myself...why does my mind work like this?  Well...I don't know.

It has happened many times...you would think I would I figure this out....but I haven't yet.

When I was 19.  I lived in an apartment with a roommate and I don't know what triggered it but....I ended up in my closet, shaking, covered in blood (from my fingernails digging into myself)...my roommate found me.  That was when my mind let me see all of the molestations from my step-Dad.  This was when I was having Barry Manilow sing to me.  Damn shocker to find out what was reality going on at the time.  With the help of my friend and my Mom's best friend.  I told my Mom what had happened to me.

Major denial and blame.

I have had little reveals since then.  It's funny when they happen.  Either thru a dream or when the stars align like when Sophie went to high school.

Several years ago....hubby wanted to go to Las Vegas on vacation.  We booked it months in advance.  I tried...really I tried to go.  But, the closer it got to going...the more I knew I could not go.  Finally...2 weeks before went were to go....I told Hubby...I was not going...no way in HELL!  Hubby...I love him so....said cancel it.  We did!

But, a couple of years later.....while life was once again very complicated....I booked the trip.  I was going thru my Mom's breast cancer and had just helped my brother die from kidney cancer.  I faced a lot of stuff in Las Vegas.  I got proof of memories I had had...that I was told never happened.  I saw with my own eyes....places, homes, PROOF of things that happened.

I was in therapy at the time.  I did not have the blessing of my therapist....but, she had me prepared for the trip.  I photographed everything, every place.

And when I got home....I dealt with it.  But, it also aligned the stars in a way that is hard to understand.  But, it was the motivator to finally remove myself from my damaging family.  To finally believe what I knew to be true.  To finally take care of myself and not them.

It's been 2 years since I walked away from my family...this month.  I see them around town.  I am angry but....they have to live with themselves...I don't have to.

It's weird to not have family.  I have Hubby and my kids.  I have a ton of friends.  But, I have no one that knows me.  I have no proof of where I came.  I have no one that can verify....me.  I have had a hard time coming to terms with that.  But, with that comes freedom.  Freedom to be me.  Freedom to finally take care of me.  Not live a life for someone else.

There are times that I question my ability to parent and be a good parent.  There have been times that my Mom has come out of my mouth.  It's horrifying!  And to think...when I had a relationship with her...she always told me what a bad parent I was.  This I finally know is false.

I am not a perfect parent......but, who is?  But then...I don't have perfect children.  Who would want that?

I have many flaws but I know that I am a kind and caring person.  I always think of others before I think of myself.  I was always told that I had a black heart but I know now that that was only when I didn't do what she wanted.

Sad.

I always thought I was a horrible person.  I remember telling my Granny (who I adored!) that I must be the blacksheep of the family since I was always wrong, always fat, always stupid.  She told me I wasn't.  I was a pawn.

I never understood that.  Now I do.

I still say I am lucky.  I was told because of how I looked I would never find anyone to love me.  Men don't like fat, stupid women.  But, you know what...I am not.

I am a woman that deserves a little more room on this Earth.  I was told that a long time ago by a Dietician. I thought she was just calling me fat all over again.  But, she wasn't.  She explained that I never took enough room before...and now, I am making up for it.

And I have had 2 men love me more than many deserve to be loved.  David....was the first person that ever loved me.  He married me.  We had 2 children...Nicholas & Sophie.  He took Nicholas to Heaven and I got Sophie here.

And then I found Hubby man (you know who he is but he has asked to not go public).  But, he is my husband, we have a son and he loves me more anything in the world....even if he won't be my friend on Facebook.  LOL  I am WAY too open for him.

But, I have to be....and I understand a little...not a whole bunch but a little...that he has the right to that.  Because I have the right to fling my crap out in the world...because I never did before.

This reveal the other day was not bad.  It was NOT easy but, I think I did good with it.  I am tired.  I would like to punch my Mom....I would like to confront her but I know...it would fall on deaf ears.   I will probably never understand why she did what she did and chose to not see what she didn't want to see and deny everything that makes her look bad.

I guess if I did what she did...I would not want to admit it either.

There are no guilty people in prison  :)

I don't forgive her.  I pity her.  I am ashamed of her.  But, I still love her.

It's sad that children are kind of like dogs.  You can kick them, starve them, harm them and they will still come up and lick your face and love you.

Today....I am a very strong person.  I wish sometimes I could crawl in a hole and hide from it all but I can't.  I know it will find me wherever I go....so, I will stand up to it and face it directly.

I may falter and stumble....but, watch out.  I just get stronger!

2 comments:

SisterSister said...

Your courage is really inspiring. Stay strong.

hi from mamak's

Clueless Mom said...

Very brave to let your emotions out, but also, very healthy.