This has been an interesting holiday that is upon me. And the only way I can approach all that I have to say is via a list.
I am thankful for the life I have.
I am thankful for the parents that brought me into this world.
I am thankful that they did the best they could with what they had both were injured and unable to parent me in the way I wanted to be parented. I forgive my parents for holding them to to a level that they ended up failing.
I love my Mom and miss her.
I think I love my Dad altho I really didn't know him and what I did know I didn't like. But, he was my Father and without him...I would not be here today.
My Father has been dead for almost years.
I am grateful for the peace and sanity that my life holds when I don't have a relationship with my family.
I wish it weren't this way but this is the way it is.
I have seen my Mom around town several times over the past 2 weeks. Normally, I can feel her vibration......but with forgiveness in my heart....I can't anymore.
So, I walked in front of her in the WalMart parking lot...she was in her car and I was pushing Nash in a cart. I was sicker than a dog and prayed that she would be civil.
Then I saw her in Joann's the next day. I was cruising around checking out the new store when I heard a gasp. I looked up to see her running away towards my Aunt. The stare of hate penetrated my soul from my Aunt. I parked my cart and left.
I have had many nightmares again after seeing my Mom.
But, this is the way it is.
She is the center of her whole world and when I don't have a relationship with her.....I don't have to be in a world where my children can't be the center of my world.
I do miss her tho....but no, I don't want her back in my life.
My daughter is having a really hard time without a family and I feel awful about this. I have told her if she wants a relationship with any of them....I would facilitate it. I think she is afraid of going back to the Hell we were in when were were removing ourselves from them.
And both Sophie and I miss Ginny.....very much!
This will be our first Thanksgiving without talking to Ginny, Sophie's paternal grandmother.
I know Sophie is very sad but won't express it. She is pretending that Ginny is not gone because it is easier than facing the fact that Ginny is gone.
Sophie is also mad at me for the loss of these relationships. I am a Mom...this is my job. :)
But....there is a huge hole in my heart where Ginny should be. I have missed her terribly since she died.
She knew of the craziness of my family and loved me anyway.
She held the spot of her son in my heart as well. I miss him everyday.
But, today I want to be thankful.....
Thankful for my children
Thankful for my wonderful Husband....whoever he is :)
I am thankful for my many friends
I am thankful for Deb for stepping up and filling a void in my life. You have a very special place in my heart and in my children's lives. Thank you for being a part of my life.
I am thankful for my extended family....step-children, grandchildren, in-laws.....they make my world.
I am thankful for being a big fish in a small pond of sorts. I like walking around our town and being able to say hello to people I know and that know me as well.
I am thankful for those that I love and trust and for those I love and distrust too. Because when you mix it up.....you need them all to make a balance in the world.
Happy Thanksgiving to all.