Sunday, April 17, 2011

the joy of depression...NOT!

So, I am a sufferer of clinical/major & chronic depression.  From what I have been told...I have had it my whole life.  But, I was very, VERY good at denial and dancing as fast as I could from it. comes to a head.  Or at least that's what I am told.  Two years ago it all came crashing down.  No more dancing, no more denial.  REALITY!

So now...I take anti-depressants & anti-anxiety medications.  They WORK!

I do really good most of the time.  I will have moments or a day of the cloud hanging over my head. 

But, this was more than that.  It was overwhelming.  It was exhausting.  It hurts...really.  The body aches are awful!  It's a sadness that envelopes you.  It feels like it will never end...even tho you know it will.  You want to end.

I have come close to ending my life...many times.  And really more than I am willing to admit. 

When I was a kid I thought about it a lot but was afraid of who would take care of my brothers & mother if I left.  So, I stayed.

When I was a young adult....some of the walls that I had built to keep me from knowing what I had endured as a child opened and I saw what I had gone thru...but, only a sliver of the horrors.  So, I drugged up and learned to pretend it DIDN'T happen.

But, I finally got to a place where I had to face it to protect my own children.  It all came out and I HAD to see it, touch it, FEEL it.  This is why I don't have a relationship with my family anymore.  I could no longer deny my past or pretend that it was ok.

I cracked open....or just cracked!

But, I saw it all with the eyes of an adult and felt it with the heart of my inner child.....and said NO MORE with the clarity of a survivor.

I hope...and pray that I never end my life.  I DON'T plan on ever wanting to.  I have a great life, a fabulous husband, wonderful children, step-children, and grandchildren.  I have great & amazing friends....and with all of them...I have people that really love me.  They want the best for me.

Sometimes.....I feel like the girl on the swing.  I do hate to remember but, if I forget about could happen again.  To someone I love more than I love myself.

Yes world....depression is NOT fun!  But, it can be lived with.

I live with it and will continue to LIVE with it.

If you ever get depressed or just have a slope for a couple of days...this is a great book!

Today, I will have bumps in my road and trips & falls.  I will never NOT have depression.

Thanks for reading  :)

The fight goes on......................

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