Sunday, June 19, 2011

What is a Father?? What is family?

  1. Today is Father's Day
  2. I really don't get the father thing
  3. Didn't really have one
  4. I had men that were around that slept with my Mom
  5. Don't think that is a father
  6. Did have a real father that didn't want me around
  7. He said he loved me....but, also said I wasn't his daughter and shouldn't have his last name.
  8. So, I don't know.
  9. Mom married many men and lived with them or slept with them or just dated them for an hour.
  10. So, I don't really get what a father does
  11. When I married David and had a child....he explained what a Father was.
  12. Then he became the father I knew all along.
  13. He left...like they all do.
  14. So, Sophie didn't get a Father until I married Lance.
  15. I still don't understand how to raise children with someone else
  16. I don't get....what a Father is.
  17. I know Lance is a good guy.
  18. Lance is everything the books say a Father should be.
  19. He is a great Boy Father.
  20. And I am learning that he is a GREAT girl Father.
  21. How do I know?
  22. Sophie seems well adjusted
  23. spoiled!  :)
  24. But, well adjusted.
  25. She asked me last week why all of her friends are obsessed with Boys.
  26. And why isn't she?
  27. I thought long and hard about that one.
  28. It's a good thing we were on the road for 13 1/2 hours that day.
  29. Then it occurred to me.....
  30. When it got to the point that she really needed a father......Lance was here.
  31. She got to have a crush on him like girls do.  
  32. She preened for him.  
  33. When she dresses up....she looks to him.
  34. And not in a way that I understand....
  35. She looks to him like a daughter is supposed to look to their Dad and her Dad looks to her like a REAL Dad is supposed to.
  36. Not in a sexual way that I know
  37. But, in the way I don't know.
  38. I am glad I don't know they way Lance looks at my daughter....because that means he is safe.
  39. And....better....Sophie is safe.
  40. I got so lucky when I found that man.
  41. The family I created is a work in progress
  42. Most are.
  43. I parent in a backwards way.
  44. I only know what NOT to do.
  45. So, I start there and figure out what NOT to do
  46. and after much deliberation, study and shear wit
  47. I do the best I can while going in the opposite direction I started at.
  48. My family of origin is a mess.
  49. Father died 9 years ago of alcoholism, liver deterioration, and heart damage.
  50. We divorced him when I was 9????
  51. I saw movies of when I was very young....he seemed like a good guy.
  52. He held me...the look in his eye said he loved me.
  53. During the divorce, I got put aside.
  54. He left me on visitations with his girlfriends or barflys.
  55. He took my brothers out and did things with them.
  56. He did things I didn't like...hunting, fishing, shooting....boy things.
  57. Mom made him take me....I cried.  He dumped me.  He & the boys had fun.
  58. My oldest brother and I didn't get along.
  59. We were always rivals for the attention.
  60. We did NOT like each other.
  61. We fought like cats & dogs.
  62. Since neither parent was ever around...I was the oldest and in charge and he was not having anything to do with it.
  63. He was my bully when we were young.
  64. But, I learned later......he just wanted out.
  65. Mom had remarried a man by the name of Marvin Gross.
  66. He moved us away from our hometown of Taft, CA and our father.  And moved us to Las Vegas, NV.
  67. Rick hated Las Vegas, hated Marv...hated everything and wanted to be with his Dad.
  68. Lots happened between us, in our house, in our neighborhood....adults were never there.
  69. He finally did what he had to do to get what he wanted...out.
  70. At 11...he got shipped to our Father.  Didn't see him much after that.
  71. On June 12, 2009....Rick died in Klamath Falls of stage 4 kidney cancer.  
  72. I was there at his death.
  73. As you know.....I don't have a relationship anymore with my Mom, her sister, their spouses or family.
  74. I finally stood up and said no more to lying, covering up and pretending that everything was fine.
  75. I wanted to finally be number 1 in my life.
  76. Not paying attention to the person that needed to always be number 1 in everyone else's life.
  77. There are days I miss her.
  78. There are days I don't.
  79. Everyday is peaceful tho..
  80. Except days when I get a call from my brother, Ryan.
  81. Ryan is the baby of my family.
  82. I protected him growing up.
  83. I was his mother most of the time.
  84. Growing up...Mom always said that he & Rick were her favorites.
  85. Boys were easy.  
  86. I was a terrible, crying girl that needed too much.
  87. When I asked as a child...why was I even born if she didn't want me.  
  88. She said she needed a housekeeper & babysitter.  
  89. That's why I was born. .
  90. Rick was born for my Dad.
  91. Ryan was her baby.
  92. Yet...I was the one always taking care of her.
  93. Taking care of him.
  94. I would tell her...when I had had enough...I would buy a 1 way bus ticket for her and ship her to her baby.
  95. Since I turned my back on my family...I get calls from Ryan.
  96. He claims he wants a relationship with me.
  97. But, when he calls....he is always drunk.
  98. He is always mean on the phone.  Always makes comments...and when I try to talk back...he shuts me down.
  99. He called tonight.
  100. I knew it was him when the phone rang.
  101. No one ever calls my house after 8pm but him.
  102. It was 8:58pm....riiinnnggg.
  103. I answer the phone........you can almost smell the beer on his breath.
  104. I am NOT in the mood to hear his crap.
  105. I don't feel good!
  106. And I don't want to be made to feel bad.
  107. His first line is...did I call too late?
  108. Yes Ryan...my family is asleep and you know that.
  109. You know you are drunk and you know you are not supposed to call me when you are drunk.
  110. A long a quiet pause..............
  111. and he hangs up.
  112. Have you ever been in a room alone but feel the slam across your face?
  113. Family.......special family.
  114. When I was young and in the middle of my nightmare life.
  115. I used to try to twitch my nose.
  116. I knew...if I could just twitch my nose like Samantha in Bewitched....I could get out!
  117. I never learned to twitch my nose.
  118. I stayed.
  119. I stayed longer than I ever should.
  120. I just wanted to be loved.
  121. I knew my Father didn't love me.
  122. Aren't Mom's supposed to love their children?
  123. I love mine....more than life itself!
  124. But, I know....this is NOT the norm always.
  125. I had a cat once kill every one of her kittens.....twice!
  126. She reminded me of my Mom....scary huh?

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