Wednesday, July 13, 2011

a bad day

I wrote this for me...because something came up for me with my Mom yesterday and I needed to get this off my chest.  So, part of me doesn't want to post this...and part does.  So, I guess I will and be part of Mama Kat's Writing Prompt this week.

I have been lucky in this past 12 to 15  months and not really had a lot of bad days.

I did before....a lifetime of them.

I was raised in a very dysfunctional family.

  1. Parents divorced when I was 9
  2. oldest of 3 kids
  3. Mom married the first guy that said he would move her out of the small homey town we lived in
  4. moved us to Las Vegas
  5. you can't imagine the shock!
  6. Step-dad turned out to be a molester
  7. Mom only married molester for personal gain
  8. didn't care what was happening at home.
  9. She was busy with other boyfriends and her life.
  10. I was responsible for the house, the boys, and my step-dad.
  11. She left him every May
  12. and returned every August
  13. sometimes we moved with her
  14. sometimes she left us behind
  15. when she finally left him for good
  16. there were times we didn't know where she was
  17. lots of different men came thru our house
  18. we were raised in chaos
  19. Mom drank
  20. natural father didn't care about me because I was a girl
  21. he focused on my brothers
  22. they both turned out to be drunks and drug addicts
  23. both served time in jail and prison
  24. life was something to survive 
  25. not learn to be an independent person
  26. but, to make it from minute to minute
  27. keep head low
  28. do whatever you are told
  29. and when you cry....know that no one cares, I am now 48 but almost 3 years ago, everything came to the top.  Mom was going thru stage 2 breast cancer and falling apart thru it and oldest brother, Ricky, had stage 4 kidney cancer and he did not survive.  Step-father (husband #4) was now being inappropriate with girls in my family and propositioned me.

I stood up for myself and my daughters.

It was same ol', same ol' my whole life.

I finally said no!  No to that crap.  No to my Mom.  No, to just surviving!

While trying to get across to my Mom that this was unacceptable and as long as she did not stand up for me and my family.....I could not carry on a relationship with her.  Not that I asked her to leave my step-Dad....I just can have him around me or my family and children.  This went on for several weeks...her telling me I was telling her that I am done acting like nothing is going on.

This crap will never happen to MY DAUGHTER!

Because my Mom is the center of her world...and she thinks everyone else's.  She pleaded with my Hubby to make him see that I was crazy.  She went to my daughter-in-law and step-daughter to get me to change my mind.  She was pretty pathetic...telling people that I was lying, should be examined and as usual, I was lying and doing this only to hurt her..

She left a package of crap she bought at a yard sale.  Projects that she said she was saving to do with Nash...her favorite child of mine.  Favorite because he looks just like her favorite brother, Ricky.  The box and letter were not addressed to me but to Hubby and Nash.  It was a letter telling them I was pathetic and ruining their lives and as well hers....I was worthless.  And to never let me read the letter.

I am blessed to have a WONDERFUL Hubby.

I read her letter.........and I have never, ever really let loose all of the emotion I have held on to in my life.  It was a guttural scream that I could not stop.  I fell to the floor and groaned, cried, hyperventilated....until I couldn't speak or move anymore.

My hubby picked me up and put me to bed.  I slept for days.

I went to therapy and dealt with my past.  I still have things come up and smack me.  I point of reference is not like others that came from a more normal life.  Sometimes...I just don't know or understand things.   I do my best.

This was the beginning of the end of my bad days.

It took many months to recover from that....ok...I know I am not recovered but I am working on it.  And better for the time I spent in therapy.  And am still working on myself.

Mama’s Losin’ It


K said...

I linked over to you from Mama Kat and had to read your post three times because it grounded me in my chair and every word had meaning. I can't imagine how it felt to write this about your life, but I hope in some way it helped. You are endured so much and I think sharing it with us will help others to know they are not alone, but also to stand up for themselves and their children. Thank you for sharing this with us to give women this help. I am so glad you had the strength to survive and to be strong for your daughters!

Mama Kat said...

Oh my goodness!! Honey you need to write a memoir...I'm so sorry you have this to deal with. I can't imagine living through even a quarter of what you've experienced. I hope the healing is helping and am SO glad you have a reliable family of your own now to draw your strength from!