Fourty.....8.......thoughts

• 1. Today is my birthday
• 2. I have NOT been looking forward to it
• 3. How can I be 48?????  
• 4. How did this happen?
• 5. I was raised in a VERY vanity driven home
• 6. I always wanted to be good enough...I grew up thinking & told I wasn't
• 7. The day my Mom turned 30...was a horrible day
• 8. I learned the word vain that day
• 9. I baked a chocolate cake with vanilla frosting and decorated it with fresh rose petals so that she would stop crying and screaming and throwing things.
• 10. It didn't work
• 11. I HATE ROSES!
• 12. I always thought you should be happy with what God gave you....if you get plastic surgery or change something for vain reasons you spit in Gods face.
• 13. I am far from perfect....but this is how God made me....I am just fine  :)
• 14. A couple of years ago...I was told by several people in my family that I think I am better than what I am.
• 15. I don't believe that's true.
• 16. I am better than what I was raised to be.
• 17. I have always felt lost in my life.
• 18. Like everyone knew the secret to growing up & being loved and I missed it.
• 19. I figured it out...just later than others.
• 20. I am an incredible Mom.
• 21. I  am learning daily to be a great wife!
• 22. I am still unlearning old things and replacing them with new things.
• 23. I get better everyday!
• 24. I absolutely adore my children!
• 25. I can't believe I am their Mom.
• 26. What did I do to deserve their love and innocents?
• 27. Sophie is my Hero.
• 28. Her presence in my life....saved my life.
• 29. I marvel at her wonderfulness.
• 30. Sophie looks so much like her Dad...David.
• 31. I am so grateful for the time & gifts I got from David.
• 32. David forever changed my life and told me I was more than what I thought I was.
• 33. I was destroyed when David died
• 34. If the dead can ever come back to life......I would hug him, kiss him, and punch him right in the face.
• 35. Yes, it's been 13 1/2 years since he died....and I am still pissed off  :)
• 36. David was the funniest, sweetest, worst with money, trusting, fanatical, open man I have ever known.
• 37. I miss him every day and count myself as lucky to be able to see him everyday in Sophie.
• 38. I have loved 2 men....more than life itself.
• 39. David....and Lance.
• 40. Lance is the love of my life!
• 41. I can't believe that Lance is my husband and loves me like he does.
• 42. He believed in me...when I didn't.
• 43. Lance makes me a better person because he loves me.
• 44. He talked me into having Nash  :)
• 45. I am glad he did!
• 46. Nash makes me question my parenting skills daily!
• 47. Nash proved to me that I trust others...all I have to do is trust the right ones:

• 48. My life is filled with the right ones now.  I am lucky.  I have a wonderful life, husband, children, friends, and people I have chosen to be my family.  I guess it took 48 years to understand that I am ok and worthy of all that I am. I have been through bad, worse and ugly.  But, I wouldn't trade any of it because that made me who I am today.

Thank you to all of the people in my life now.  I will be fine being 48...according to Sophie....I only look 40.  And coming from a 13 year old....that's pretty good!

So, Happy 48th Birthday to me.